new to group

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much, ...at this point any information or personal stories are

helpful!

Susie

----- Original Message -----

From: maria halloran

Hi, my son is 7 and has always been orally fed, but had texture

issues--still does, but can eat most foods. but until 27 months he ate

pureed foods or stage three baby food mushed up.

[Guest guest]

i'm new to this too.

 

I am new to the group too.

 

I have a MIL with BPD.

 

I just want to let you know that you will find a great deal of comfort here..

Esp. when you realise that you are not alone in this. we are all dealing with

the crazyness too.

 

Nerak

Subject: New to group

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, December 3, 2008, 5:17 PM

I was placed into therapy by my mother ever since I was in middle

school because of my " acting out " . After a few years of getting no

where, I stopped therapy, entered high school, fell into a total

active addiction to narcotics, and sky rocketed into that until age

20. I got clean at 20 and have been so for 2 1/2 years. The treatment

facility I entered began me in therapy again and I have been actively

seeing a therapist under my own motivation since. Just last week, my

therapist got a gastly white look on her face while I was describing

a current situation with my mother, and she said, " Oh my God, I cant

believe I didnt put this together before now, but I believe your

mother has BPD. " I have been doing some research and I read a blurb

of Stop Walking on Eggshells off Amazon.com and almost starting

crying right here in the school library. I can't believe it, I

thought I was losing my mind and had almost gone crazy myself. If

anyone has any suggestions to help me, I am totally open to beginning

this process. Its a relief of course to find some reason behind why I

have been feeling this way for 22 years, but also a little bit sad

because maybe I will never be able to have the relationship with my

mother that most of my friends have with theirs. Literally everyday I

don't know what I'm walking into. One minute I am a great mother (I

have an 18 month old) and the next day I am a terrible mother. One

day I am a wonderful daughter, and the next I am selfish, princess

b**ch when I havent done anything except wake up that morning and

walked downstairs. She is constantly fearing I will leave her. She is

jealous that I talked to my boyfriend's mother on the phone once and

is afraid I will leave her and want my boyfriends mom to be

my " mother " . She doesnt realize this behavior is actually pushing me

further away. I will tell her a little issue I am having with my

boyfriend, and by the next morning she will have totally

catastrophized and projected my future misery in my life in the 10

years future if I continue my relationship. If I dont want her to hug

me one day (after 15 years of physical abuse) she breaks down into

hysterical sobbing and self-pity because I have rejected her and she

is worthless in her own eyes. It is maddening! Please help...

[Guest guest]

You deserve respect; you have had a difficult life, but even though

you are still very young it sounds like you beat the terrible problem

of drug addiction and are on your way to becoming a fully-functioning,

independent adult. Many kudos to you for that.

Even so, from what you have written, it sounds to me like you are in a

very precarious situation in relation to your child.

You wrote that you live with your bpd-mother (we use the slang word

" nada " , for " not a mom " ) and your descriptions do indicate that your

nada is emotionally unstable and very well could have bpd.

You shared that she can be violent: she physically abused you for

years. You also wrote that you yourself have rapid mood swings and

can be " a good mother one minute and a bad mother the next minute. "

In my opinion you have described a potentially very dangerous

situation for your tiny child to live in.

I hope that since you are currently in therapy you will share with

your therapist what you wrote about here. I hope you will get your

therapist to help you focus your time and energy on creating and

maintaining a calm, stable, gentle and nurturing emotional environment

for your child, because its *her* time to grow up and mature into a

healthy, fully-functional adult. That goal is going to be extremely

difficult for you to accomplish if you are focused on your mentally

ill mother and your issues with her, focused on dating, and focused on

your own internal issues instead.

You chose to become a mother, so now its all about your child; the

child's needs and safety come first now.

-Annie

>

> I was placed into therapy by my mother ever since I was in middle

> school because of my " acting out " . After a few years of getting no

> where, I stopped therapy, entered high school, fell into a total

> active addiction to narcotics, and sky rocketed into that until age

> 20. I got clean at 20 and have been so for 2 1/2 years. The treatment

> facility I entered began me in therapy again and I have been actively

> seeing a therapist under my own motivation since. Just last week, my

> therapist got a gastly white look on her face while I was describing

> a current situation with my mother, and she said, " Oh my God, I cant

> believe I didnt put this together before now, but I believe your

> mother has BPD. " I have been doing some research and I read a blurb

> of Stop Walking on Eggshells off Amazon.com and almost starting

> crying right here in the school library. I can't believe it, I

> thought I was losing my mind and had almost gone crazy myself. If

> anyone has any suggestions to help me, I am totally open to beginning

> this process. Its a relief of course to find some reason behind why I

> have been feeling this way for 22 years, but also a little bit sad

> because maybe I will never be able to have the relationship with my

> mother that most of my friends have with theirs. Literally everyday I

> don't know what I'm walking into. One minute I am a great mother (I

> have an 18 month old) and the next day I am a terrible mother. One

> day I am a wonderful daughter, and the next I am selfish, princess

> b**ch when I havent done anything except wake up that morning and

> walked downstairs. She is constantly fearing I will leave her. She is

> jealous that I talked to my boyfriend's mother on the phone once and

> is afraid I will leave her and want my boyfriends mom to be

> my " mother " . She doesnt realize this behavior is actually pushing me

> further away. I will tell her a little issue I am having with my

> boyfriend, and by the next morning she will have totally

> catastrophized and projected my future misery in my life in the 10

> years future if I continue my relationship. If I dont want her to hug

> me one day (after 15 years of physical abuse) she breaks down into

> hysterical sobbing and self-pity because I have rejected her and she

> is worthless in her own eyes. It is maddening! Please help...

>

[Guest guest]

Annie wrote " You chose to become a mother, so now its all about your

child; the child's needs and safety come first now. " Can I suggest

that it's not an " either-or " situation? I agree if " lemon " is

focused on dating or her conflict with her mother, that may distract

her from parenting. But, working on her own issues can only make her

a better parent. It's the old oxygen mask situation. She has to put

hers on so she can take care of the child.

The way I read this, being a good mother one day and a bad one the

next was quoting her Nada's ever changing opinion of her, not talking

about her actual parenting.

I second talking with the therapist about this. I am also concerned

about her and the child living in the same house with her violent,

abusive mother. I think I'd deal with the mother issues with a

suitcase - pack it and move out. Of course I don't know the

situation, or if heaven forbid the Nada has legal custody of the

child.

My Nada used my first baby to lay many guilt trips on me - being told

you're not a good mother (or even thinking it) is a very hurtful

thing. I think if someone reminded me that " it's all about the

child " I would hear that as criticism of me being self centered or

not loving my child enough or something. Mom used to do that trip if

I even mentioned a need of my own, even basic physical things like

needing something to eat or being tired, or if I did the smallest

thing for myself. That's my flea - being accused of selfishness if I

breathe too much air, so being very sensitive to that sort of

criticism and constantly trying to prove that I'm not selfish by

letting other people run all over me. <end of rant>

Wanting to be a better mother is what motivated me to get into

therapy. I attended parenting classes and read books (since I didn't

have any good models from my own family) but I couldn't do the things

I learned to do until I worked through some of my own issues.

Best wishes to lemon

> >

> > I was placed into therapy by my mother ever since I was in middle

> > school because of my " acting out " . After a few years of getting

no

> > where, I stopped therapy, entered high school, fell into a total

> > active addiction to narcotics, and sky rocketed into that until

age

> > 20. I got clean at 20 and have been so for 2 1/2 years. The

treatment

> > facility I entered began me in therapy again and I have been

actively

> > seeing a therapist under my own motivation since. Just last week,

my

> > therapist got a gastly white look on her face while I was

describing

> > a current situation with my mother, and she said, " Oh my God, I

cant

> > believe I didnt put this together before now, but I believe your

> > mother has BPD. " I have been doing some research and I read a

blurb

> > of Stop Walking on Eggshells off Amazon.com and almost starting

> > crying right here in the school library. I can't believe it, I

> > thought I was losing my mind and had almost gone crazy myself. If

> > anyone has any suggestions to help me, I am totally open to

beginning

> > this process. Its a relief of course to find some reason behind

why I

> > have been feeling this way for 22 years, but also a little bit

sad

> > because maybe I will never be able to have the relationship with

my

> > mother that most of my friends have with theirs. Literally

everyday I

> > don't know what I'm walking into. One minute I am a great mother

(I

> > have an 18 month old) and the next day I am a terrible mother.

One

> > day I am a wonderful daughter, and the next I am selfish,

princess

> > b**ch when I havent done anything except wake up that morning and

> > walked downstairs. She is constantly fearing I will leave her.

She is

> > jealous that I talked to my boyfriend's mother on the phone once

and

> > is afraid I will leave her and want my boyfriends mom to be

> > my " mother " . She doesnt realize this behavior is actually pushing

me

> > further away. I will tell her a little issue I am having with my

> > boyfriend, and by the next morning she will have totally

> > catastrophized and projected my future misery in my life in the

10

> > years future if I continue my relationship. If I dont want her to

hug

> > me one day (after 15 years of physical abuse) she breaks down

into

> > hysterical sobbing and self-pity because I have rejected her and

she

> > is worthless in her own eyes. It is maddening! Please help...

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ah! I stand corrected; I re-read the paragraph and it does seem to be

lemon's mother's comment about lemon, not lemon saying that she

herself has mood swings. I'm sorry for the confusion, lemon; I apologize.

But I do still believe that if one is lucky enough to have a child, if

one chooses to bring a child into the world then you have chosen to

put your child's needs first. Yes, do continue with therapy so that

you will be the best mother you can be.

And I still don't think its a good idea at all to expose a small child

to a bpd grandparent who has been extremely physically abusive to

lemon in the past and who appears to be emotionally unstable now.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I was placed into therapy by my mother ever since I was in middle

> > > school because of my " acting out " . After a few years of getting

> no

> > > where, I stopped therapy, entered high school, fell into a total

> > > active addiction to narcotics, and sky rocketed into that until

> age

> > > 20. I got clean at 20 and have been so for 2 1/2 years. The

> treatment

> > > facility I entered began me in therapy again and I have been

> actively

> > > seeing a therapist under my own motivation since. Just last week,

> my

> > > therapist got a gastly white look on her face while I was

> describing

> > > a current situation with my mother, and she said, " Oh my God, I

> cant

> > > believe I didnt put this together before now, but I believe your

> > > mother has BPD. " I have been doing some research and I read a

> blurb

> > > of Stop Walking on Eggshells off Amazon.com and almost starting

> > > crying right here in the school library. I can't believe it, I

> > > thought I was losing my mind and had almost gone crazy myself. If

> > > anyone has any suggestions to help me, I am totally open to

> beginning

> > > this process. Its a relief of course to find some reason behind

> why I

> > > have been feeling this way for 22 years, but also a little bit

> sad

> > > because maybe I will never be able to have the relationship with

> my

> > > mother that most of my friends have with theirs. Literally

> everyday I

> > > don't know what I'm walking into. One minute I am a great mother

> (I

> > > have an 18 month old) and the next day I am a terrible mother.

> One

> > > day I am a wonderful daughter, and the next I am selfish,

> princess

> > > b**ch when I havent done anything except wake up that morning and

> > > walked downstairs. She is constantly fearing I will leave her.

> She is

> > > jealous that I talked to my boyfriend's mother on the phone once

> and

> > > is afraid I will leave her and want my boyfriends mom to be

> > > my " mother " . She doesnt realize this behavior is actually pushing

> me

> > > further away. I will tell her a little issue I am having with my

> > > boyfriend, and by the next morning she will have totally

> > > catastrophized and projected my future misery in my life in the

> 10

> > > years future if I continue my relationship. If I dont want her to

> hug

> > > me one day (after 15 years of physical abuse) she breaks down

> into

> > > hysterical sobbing and self-pity because I have rejected her and

> she

> > > is worthless in her own eyes. It is maddening! Please help...

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

hello everyone

i am a 42 year old mother of three (blended family) with a BPD

mother. i posted earlier but can't see that it has come up yet. i am

having a lot of trouble navigating the site and threads etc, so

please be patient with me!

it is SO exciting to find a group who are talking about things i can

really relate to. things have actually been going along OK for me and

my nada for some time. (can someone explain what this actually refers

to or means? i get that it is my bpd mother, but how does nada mean

that??!!), but a number of things have come up within the extended

family recently that have once again stirred old memories and

experiences, and i have felt the need to be able to talk to someone

who really understands. i was chatting with some friends today about

christmas, and while some of them groaned about the general family

tensions that can arise during the so-called festive season, they

really have no idea what a bpd can do, the havoc they can wreak, at

this time of year. or at any time of the year really! sometimes i

feel like i'm being held hostage in my own life, even though i have

managed to extracate myself a lot from her toxic influences. i find

it hard to talk to aonyone who really understands. my husband is

wonderful - sympathetic, strong, supportive. i couldn't ask for more.

but sometimes all i want to do is debrief, or even just plain dump.

so hopefully this is the place i can do that. i am yet to understand

how the threads work, my email account and so on, but i guess i'll

get there.

all my heartfelt support for the rest of you out there dealing with

bpd parents - it is just so hard

bernadette