Guest guest Posted December 1, 2008 Report Share Posted December 1, 2008 Exhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale... I feel for you!!! %$#^#$% & ^@#%$%@#$%$ ! Nada " accidentally " took one too many pain pills at her ex-husband of 15 years mother's house. Work 'that' sentence... Ho Ho Ho! Lynnette > > Thanksgiving dinner, was more then interesting this year. I had my > combat gear on the whole time. > > It started with combatting the crazy behavior from my NP husband, > and verbal abuse towards me. I had been asking for 2 months, and not > nagging- because that results in more verbal attacks back on me, for > two rugs shampooed and 3 windows on the outside washed to be > completed for Thanksgiving. 2 days before the one room was > shampooed, and the furniture from the living room was piled on to my > dinning room table. I heard I promise we will be ready for > Thanksgivng morning. Not. > > So I told him just help me get the rooms back. It was about 10:30 > that morning- with company and dinner needing to be finished by 2:30- > I just wanted to enjoy the day and not be rushing around. > > No, he insisted on finishing the job. It was pretty awful- with his > anger at me flying- because I am never happy with him, no matter > what he does. It is now 2:10 - and some how my downstairs is back > to normal, meal is almost done- and my husband is pounding on the > windows for me to help him clean them all and the screens. I had > told him early it was ok, he could do it another day. That point I > couldn't help him now with windows. He gets off the ladder comes in > now it 2:15- and start screaming- " I never make you happy no matter > what I do. " > > I responded, " Look I want them done, but not now 15 minutes > before company coming " . Which gets from him- " DOn't start with me, I > don't want to hear it from you. " Which is his response for my words > or feelings that don't agree with him. So I say, please stop telling > me how to feel, I don't want to do this now. " Which his response is- > " Fuck you, Malinda " - slams the door and leaves. > > At that point the front door bell is ringing and company is early. > Somehow- I pulled it together. Dinner- was tasty, but my daughter > brought her new boyfriend. My father kepts cursing- and saying f--- > this and that, like it was funny. He would always do that when I > brought new friends home- the whole cursing thing like it was funny. > I couldn't get him to stop. > > My nada asked ALOT of questions and when her boyfriend left, my > mother literally cornered her with wanting to know every details > about this man- their relationship, his parents, his grandparents. > It was like the Spanish inquistion. I felt so bad for my daughter. > > My nada's final comment to my daughter was - " I looked really > hard to find fault with your new boyfriend, but I couldn't find any. " > Who says that. > > Later that evening, my nada told me how much she liked my > daughter's new boyfriend. I said I agree, and she told me how lucky > I was that my daughter found a nice man. She then said, " Unlike the > a--hole you brought home to us. " He was an a--hole, then and will > always be. " She also said she was robbed of not having a decent son- > inlaw. " > > Oh I am not done- the final piece of my holiday, was sitting > around talking about this winter season- and our area this year > getting more snow. Most people were happy about that- I don't care. > My nada's reaponse' " That is terrible I will have to spend more > money having to have someone shovel my snow. " Hello- I used to > shovel my parents house. I did it for about 23 years, and I finally > told them about 3 years- I can't do it anymore. So that was another > dig at me. > > Friday morning between my Np husband and Bp mother- I was > physically and emotionally exhausted. I couldn't get out of bed. My > husband 's anger had been building over the past several days- so > that is what he does...and nada is just a hurtful and crazy woman.. > And as I say to myself all the time lately- " What about ME? " > > Thanks for letting me ramble....and I just can't wait for > Christmas. > > Malinda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 1, 2008 Report Share Posted December 1, 2008 OMG. You have the patience and fortitude of a saint, honestly! I simply can't handle the kind of hostile, passive-aggressive behavior your husband displays, passive-aggressive acts are such crazy-making behavior. (and all that on top of your bpd mom's hostility!?! Good Lord, woman!) From what I've read, pa behaviors are intractable so you have to just choose to live with that aspect of an individual (or leave them), but there are some techniques for reducing the amount and frequency. Here's a link to a site about dealing with passive-aggressives, but there are a lot of sites and books about that behavior and ways to deal with it: http://passiveaggressive.homestead.com/SUGGESTIONS.html That's probably why I live alone: I can't take drama and arguing and hostility and subtext in conversations any more. I feel like the first 20 years of my life were lived in a war zone, and I was frequently taken prisoner by the hostile forces (nada), beaten and tortured, and then released, and then captured again. So, I've had enough drama to last me a lifetime. -Annie > > Thanksgiving dinner, was more then interesting this year. I had my > combat gear on the whole time. > > It started with combatting the crazy behavior from my NP husband, > and verbal abuse towards me. I had been asking for 2 months, and not > nagging- because that results in more verbal attacks back on me, for > two rugs shampooed and 3 windows on the outside washed to be > completed for Thanksgiving. 2 days before the one room was > shampooed, and the furniture from the living room was piled on to my > dinning room table. I heard I promise we will be ready for > Thanksgivng morning. Not. > > So I told him just help me get the rooms back. It was about 10:30 > that morning- with company and dinner needing to be finished by 2:30- > I just wanted to enjoy the day and not be rushing around. > > No, he insisted on finishing the job. It was pretty awful- with his > anger at me flying- because I am never happy with him, no matter > what he does. It is now 2:10 - and some how my downstairs is back > to normal, meal is almost done- and my husband is pounding on the > windows for me to help him clean them all and the screens. I had > told him early it was ok, he could do it another day. That point I > couldn't help him now with windows. He gets off the ladder comes in > now it 2:15- and start screaming- " I never make you happy no matter > what I do. " > > I responded, " Look I want them done, but not now 15 minutes > before company coming " . Which gets from him- " DOn't start with me, I > don't want to hear it from you. " Which is his response for my words > or feelings that don't agree with him. So I say, please stop telling > me how to feel, I don't want to do this now. " Which his response is- > " Fuck you, Malinda " - slams the door and leaves. > > At that point the front door bell is ringing and company is early. > Somehow- I pulled it together. Dinner- was tasty, but my daughter > brought her new boyfriend. My father kepts cursing- and saying f--- > this and that, like it was funny. He would always do that when I > brought new friends home- the whole cursing thing like it was funny. > I couldn't get him to stop. > > My nada asked ALOT of questions and when her boyfriend left, my > mother literally cornered her with wanting to know every details > about this man- their relationship, his parents, his grandparents. > It was like the Spanish inquistion. I felt so bad for my daughter. > > My nada's final comment to my daughter was - " I looked really > hard to find fault with your new boyfriend, but I couldn't find any. " > Who says that. > > Later that evening, my nada told me how much she liked my > daughter's new boyfriend. I said I agree, and she told me how lucky > I was that my daughter found a nice man. She then said, " Unlike the > a--hole you brought home to us. " He was an a--hole, then and will > always be. " She also said she was robbed of not having a decent son- > inlaw. " > > Oh I am not done- the final piece of my holiday, was sitting > around talking about this winter season- and our area this year > getting more snow. Most people were happy about that- I don't care. > My nada's reaponse' " That is terrible I will have to spend more > money having to have someone shovel my snow. " Hello- I used to > shovel my parents house. I did it for about 23 years, and I finally > told them about 3 years- I can't do it anymore. So that was another > dig at me. > > Friday morning between my Np husband and Bp mother- I was > physically and emotionally exhausted. I couldn't get out of bed. My > husband 's anger had been building over the past several days- so > that is what he does...and nada is just a hurtful and crazy woman.. > And as I say to myself all the time lately- " What about ME? " > > Thanks for letting me ramble....and I just can't wait for > Christmas. > > Malinda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 1, 2008 Report Share Posted December 1, 2008 Wow, Malinda, I'm sorry the holiday was so hard for you. I wish you had a more supportive husband. I don't know how you can live with that. One reason I've been able to make so much progress on myself and my relationship with my parents is that my husband has been behind me 100%. Have you gotten good advice on dealing with the npd from your therapist? > > It started with combatting the crazy behavior from my NP husband, > and verbal abuse towards me. I had been asking for 2 months, and not > nagging- because that results in more verbal attacks back on me, for > two rugs shampooed and 3 windows on the outside washed to be > completed for Thanksgiving. That sounds reasonable and smart. 2 days before the one room was > shampooed, and the furniture from the living room was piled on to my > dinning room table. I heard I promise we will be ready for > Thanksgivng morning. Not. (I don't know if this works...but did you offer any praise for the work done? Like, " Thanks for starting the job, honey, it means a lot to me. " ?) > > So I told him just help me get the rooms back. It was about 10:30 > that morning- with company and dinner needing to be finished by 2:30- > I just wanted to enjoy the day and not be rushing around. Again, that sounds perfectly reasonable. > > No, he insisted on finishing the job. It was pretty awful- with his > anger at me flying- because I am never happy with him, no matter > what he does. He made an unfair blanket statement. I agree that his behavior is passive agressive here, and he is projecting, too. He has chosen behaviors that go against your clearly communicated wishes, TWICE (first, not finishing the job, then insisting on doing it when there was no time left). THEN, he blames you for being upset about it. There has to be a way to communicate about this. " I hear you saying you think I am unhappy with you no matter what you do. That's not true. I'm unhappy because you broke a promise to me. " etc. It is now 2:10 - and some how my downstairs is back > to normal, meal is almost done- and my husband is pounding on the > windows for me to help him clean them all and the screens. I had > told him early it was ok, he could do it another day. That point I > couldn't help him now with windows. He gets off the ladder comes in > now it 2:15- and start screaming- " I never make you happy no matter > what I do. " > > I responded, " Look I want them done, but not now 15 minutes > before company coming " . Which gets from him- " DOn't start with me, I > don't want to hear it from you. " Which is his response for my words > or feelings that don't agree with him. So I say, please stop telling > me how to feel, I don't want to do this now. " Which his response is- > " Fuck you, Malinda " - slams the door and leaves. > Well, he certainly likes feeling victimized and bullying you. If my husband yelled at me or said " f-you " to me once, that would be the last time. It is not acceptable to me. We argue, we disagree--but never once has he EVER raised his voice or cursed at me. I don't think it's acceptable for your husband to behave that way to you, either. Why is it okay with you? > At that point the front door bell is ringing and company is early. > Somehow- I pulled it together. Dinner- was tasty, but my daughter > brought her new boyfriend. My father kepts cursing- and saying f--- > this and that, like it was funny. He would always do that when I > brought new friends home- the whole cursing thing like it was funny. > I couldn't get him to stop. > " Dad, either you stop saying 'f' in my house, or you leave. It's up to you. " (This would be easier to enforce if your husband didn't do it too). > My nada asked ALOT of questions and when her boyfriend left, my > mother literally cornered her with wanting to know every details > about this man- their relationship, his parents, his grandparents. > It was like the Spanish inquistion. I felt so bad for my daughter. > Then why didn't you defend her? " Mom, that's enough. Let's talk about something else. " > Thanks for letting me ramble....and I just can't wait for > Christmas. > Why do you want to spend Christmas with them? You do realize you don't have to, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Thank you so much to all who responded to this post. I really wanted to vent, and I did. Thank your for your caring words and supportive insights. I can do holidays, but I am going to do them in a different way. A way that I am more protected and at peace with. Malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , " maparise17 " wrote: > > Thanksgiving dinner, was more then interesting this year. I had my > combat gear on the whole time. > > It started with combatting the crazy behavior from my NP husband, > and verbal abuse towards me. I had been asking for 2 months, and not > nagging- because that results in more verbal attacks back on me, for > two rugs shampooed and 3 windows on the outside washed to be > completed for Thanksgiving. 2 days before the one room was > shampooed, and the furniture from the living room was piled on to my > dinning room table. I heard I promise we will be ready for > Thanksgivng morning. Not. > > So I told him just help me get the rooms back. It was about 10:30 > that morning- with company and dinner needing to be finished by 2:30- > I just wanted to enjoy the day and not be rushing around. > > No, he insisted on finishing the job. It was pretty awful- with his > anger at me flying- because I am never happy with him, no matter > what he does. It is now 2:10 - and some how my downstairs is back > to normal, meal is almost done- and my husband is pounding on the > windows for me to help him clean them all and the screens. I had > told him early it was ok, he could do it another day. That point I > couldn't help him now with windows. He gets off the ladder comes in > now it 2:15- and start screaming- " I never make you happy no matter > what I do. " > > I responded, " Look I want them done, but not now 15 minutes > before company coming " . Which gets from him- " DOn't start with me, I > don't want to hear it from you. " Which is his response for my words > or feelings that don't agree with him. So I say, please stop telling > me how to feel, I don't want to do this now. " Which his response is- > " Fuck you, Malinda " - slams the door and leaves. > > At that point the front door bell is ringing and company is early. > Somehow- I pulled it together. Dinner- was tasty, but my daughter > brought her new boyfriend. My father kepts cursing- and saying f--- > this and that, like it was funny. He would always do that when I > brought new friends home- the whole cursing thing like it was funny. > I couldn't get him to stop. > > My nada asked ALOT of questions and when her boyfriend left, my > mother literally cornered her with wanting to know every details > about this man- their relationship, his parents, his grandparents. > It was like the Spanish inquistion. I felt so bad for my daughter. > > My nada's final comment to my daughter was - " I looked really > hard to find fault with your new boyfriend, but I couldn't find any. " > Who says that. > > Later that evening, my nada told me how much she liked my > daughter's new boyfriend. I said I agree, and she told me how lucky > I was that my daughter found a nice man. She then said, " Unlike the > a--hole you brought home to us. " He was an a--hole, then and will > always be. " She also said she was robbed of not having a decent son- > inlaw. " > > Oh I am not done- the final piece of my holiday, was sitting > around talking about this winter season- and our area this year > getting more snow. Most people were happy about that- I don't care. > My nada's reaponse' " That is terrible I will have to spend more > money having to have someone shovel my snow. " Hello- I used to > shovel my parents house. I did it for about 23 years, and I finally > told them about 3 years- I can't do it anymore. So that was another > dig at me. > > Friday morning between my Np husband and Bp mother- I was > physically and emotionally exhausted. I couldn't get out of bed. My > husband 's anger had been building over the past several days- so > that is what he does...and nada is just a hurtful and crazy woman.. > And as I say to myself all the time lately- " What about ME? " > > Thanks for letting me ramble....and I just can't wait for > Christmas. > > Malinda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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