Re: BLETCH! She's started again...

[Guest guest]

((((((Lynnette)))))))

Yep, that sounds very nada-esque: " Only *I* get to have opinions and

*I* get to tell you and everyone else what I damned well please, but

you do NOT get to have any opinions or tell *me* anything! "

*sigh*

In recent years, I could only hope to get two good days out of my nada

when I'd travel to her state to visit her at her house. On the third

day, she'd start in with the complaining, whining, and criticizing as

though she was trying to pick a fight with me over any little thing,

until I would just make an excuse and leave. Argh. The only thing

that could ever extend nada's good mood/good behavior was if we

traveled to a place that *she* found highly entertaining, such as Las

Vegas. I get bored in Vegas after a day or two, but she'd keep me

there for 4 days at a time until I was ready to climb the walls. Argh

again. No more vacations with nada, ever.

-Annie

>

> Good behavior only lasted for 5 days (sorta).

>

> Just left a 'family dinner'. Afterward we were watching TV and an

> add for a senior retirement community came on. Out of nowhere, " I

> REFUSE to go into one of those places. I mean REFUSE REFUSE REFUSE

> REFUSE... If YOU put me there I WILL kill myself. I'd rather be

> DEAD! "

>

> She's been saying that for years. Therapists reaction when I told

> her that 9 months ago, " Well, it IS her choice to kill herself. It

> is NOT her choice to force herself on YOU and be mean to you for the

> rest of HER life. "

>

> And... I did something jokingly behind son's back and she said, " Oh,

> don't DO that... "

>

> I said, " Please don't tell me what to do with my son... I'm

> playing... "

>

> She said, " I'll tell you WHAT I WANT TO TELL YOU. Someday you'll

> wake up and it'll be ALL OVER and you'll wonder where it all went and

> YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!! "

>

> We left.

>

> Please help me find the humor in this... I'm trying not to cry

> anymore...

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

How frustrating!! I would be in tears if this happened to me too.

Try to see this for what it is....the blatantly manipulative " you'll

be sorry threat! " Whatever. The only person that is sorry is her.

She is a miserable person who refuses to change. She is obviously

jealous of your happy normal relationship with your child. Karma is a

bitch, ain't it?

Seriously, the only person that can change her behavior is her. If

she chooses not to change, then that is her choice. Misery loves

company and if it isn't you she is picking on it will be someone else.

It really sucks to be the one left with the aftermath of dealing with

nada especially when you have just given her a chance. Just goes to

show that BPDs will piss away chance after chance and never really

fundamentally change at all, it's all just part of the game. Sorry I

don't mean to sound so pessimistic but it just seems to be such common

practice with borderlines. It seems to me that your nada does only

what she has to in order to get contact with you. Maybe you need to

do something out of character for her to be shocked into really

believing that you will only put up with proper behavior.

>

> Good behavior only lasted for 5 days (sorta).

>

> Just left a 'family dinner'. Afterward we were watching TV and an

> add for a senior retirement community came on. Out of nowhere, " I

> REFUSE to go into one of those places. I mean REFUSE REFUSE REFUSE

> REFUSE... If YOU put me there I WILL kill myself. I'd rather be

> DEAD! "

>

> She's been saying that for years. Therapists reaction when I told

> her that 9 months ago, " Well, it IS her choice to kill herself. It

> is NOT her choice to force herself on YOU and be mean to you for the

> rest of HER life. "

>

> And... I did something jokingly behind son's back and she said, " Oh,

> don't DO that... "

>

> I said, " Please don't tell me what to do with my son... I'm

> playing... "

>

> She said, " I'll tell you WHAT I WANT TO TELL YOU. Someday you'll

> wake up and it'll be ALL OVER and you'll wonder where it all went and

> YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!! "

>

> We left.

>

> Please help me find the humor in this... I'm trying not to cry

> anymore...

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

Lynnette,

There is pain, guilt, fear, and irrational behaviot here- but

there is no humor. I am so happy you left. It is very hard to

perform without an audience.

I too have been conditioned that a good daughter would never

place their parents in a home. I have been brainwashed since I was a

young child how a good daughter takes care of her mother.

So when both of my mother's parents became very ill, and medical

issues were tough- they both ended up not in retirement centers, but

not so wonderful nursing homes. My mother never said how terrible it

was, just never really talked about it- it just had to be that way.

So Lynnetter, unless one can find humor in crazy, and

occasionally I can- but many not in this situation, oh try not to

cry. Really what we are crying about is never getting a normal,

compassionate, loving mother. Hang in there....and go enjoy time

with your children. I remind myself- maybe I didn't have that kind

of mother, but I can be that kind of mother.

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " yp_lynnette_cameron_park "

wrote:

>

> Good behavior only lasted for 5 days (sorta).

>

> Just left a 'family dinner'. Afterward we were watching TV and an

> add for a senior retirement community came on. Out of nowhere, " I

> REFUSE to go into one of those places. I mean REFUSE REFUSE

REFUSE

> REFUSE... If YOU put me there I WILL kill myself. I'd rather be

> DEAD! "

>

> She's been saying that for years. Therapists reaction when I told

> her that 9 months ago, " Well, it IS her choice to kill herself.

It

> is NOT her choice to force herself on YOU and be mean to you for

the

> rest of HER life. "

>

> And... I did something jokingly behind son's back and she

said, " Oh,

> don't DO that... "

>

> I said, " Please don't tell me what to do with my son... I'm

> playing... "

>

> She said, " I'll tell you WHAT I WANT TO TELL YOU. Someday you'll

> wake up and it'll be ALL OVER and you'll wonder where it all went

and

> YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!! "

>

> We left.

>

> Please help me find the humor in this... I'm trying not to cry

> anymore...

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

OMG, my nada did the exact same thing to me regarding the retirement

communities. The irony of it was that she said it as we got into

the car after visiting HER mother in the retirement home. She

turned to me and said, " Promise you'll never put me in a nursing

home. " I told her there was no friggin' way I was going to make

that promise. Sniff, sniff, weep: " How could you DO that? "

Offloading her guilty conscience onto me, I guess.

Regarding them saying whatever they darn well please, my nada's

classic line to me was " Do you actually expect me to censor every

word I say around your kids? " (this after I called her out on making

disparaging comments to my kids). I looked at her and simply

said " Yes. " Then she gave me her squinty-eyed death glare. Now

that I think about it, that was the last time that I saw my nada,

which is over a year ago now. My last image of her will be her

pathetic squinty-eyed look. And like your nada said, someday I'll

wake up and it'll all be over--but I'll always remember nada's

glaring at me for telling her not to make fun of my kids and I WON'T

wonder where it all went, nor will I be sorry.

>

> Good behavior only lasted for 5 days (sorta).

>

> Just left a 'family dinner'. Afterward we were watching TV and an

> add for a senior retirement community came on. Out of nowhere, " I

> REFUSE to go into one of those places. I mean REFUSE REFUSE

REFUSE

> REFUSE... If YOU put me there I WILL kill myself. I'd rather be

> DEAD! "

>

> She's been saying that for years. Therapists reaction when I told

> her that 9 months ago, " Well, it IS her choice to kill herself.

It

> is NOT her choice to force herself on YOU and be mean to you for

the

> rest of HER life. "

>

> And... I did something jokingly behind son's back and she

said, " Oh,

> don't DO that... "

>

> I said, " Please don't tell me what to do with my son... I'm

> playing... "

>

> She said, " I'll tell you WHAT I WANT TO TELL YOU. Someday you'll

> wake up and it'll be ALL OVER and you'll wonder where it all went

and

> YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!! "

>

> We left.

>

> Please help me find the humor in this... I'm trying not to cry

> anymore...

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

Boy, can I relate to your post!

-------------

My nada also started obsessing about going to a 'HOME'.

Here's how it started.

1) My grandnada died well into her 90s. My nada had been NC for almost

50 years-- nonetheless she decides to go to the funeral ...because,

" What will the neighbors think!! " She spends the next bunch of weeks

muttering things about her " nada never having apologized. " dream on...

2) Several months later, we're driving in the car (nada, fada, & my

husband). Out of the blue my nada turns to me & says, " You had a

REALLY nice childhood! " (I'm her target & she's laying the groundwork)

3) A few weeks later my nada says to me, " The neighbor's daughter, B. ,

quit her job, moved back home & is taking care of her mother. "

(setting the trap)

4) The number 2 comment get repeated two more times within the space

of a few months. (adjusting the trap & trying to make it work)

5) We take a trip together as a family which turns into a life & death

power struggle. When I return home, I break away with the help of my

company's mental health hot line & a shrink. (the plan isn't working)

6) My nada goes running to my sister and keeps saying over and over

again, " I guess I'll wind up in a nursing home like my mother did " .

(my sister becomes her new target)

7) Nada throws money & " love " at my sister, but she's held at arms

length. Nada grows disillusioned. (another plan foiled)

8) Nada starts hand-picking younger family members & friends to

'reward' or 'punish' by doling out or withholding her money. (one of

my cousins is her new target)

!!!She behaves like a cartoon character!!!

-------------------------------

Old-age + BPD has been a @#$%^*@# nightmare!

Don't let your nada torment you.

Take care of yourself.

>

> Good behavior only lasted for 5 days (sorta).

>

> Just left a 'family dinner'. Afterward we were watching TV and an

> add for a senior retirement community came on. Out of nowhere, " I

> REFUSE to go into one of those places. I mean REFUSE REFUSE REFUSE

> REFUSE... If YOU put me there I WILL kill myself. I'd rather be

> DEAD! "

>

> She's been saying that for years. Therapists reaction when I told

> her that 9 months ago, " Well, it IS her choice to kill herself. It

> is NOT her choice to force herself on YOU and be mean to you for the

> rest of HER life. "

>

> And... I did something jokingly behind son's back and she said, " Oh,

> don't DO that... "

>

> I said, " Please don't tell me what to do with my son... I'm

> playing... "

>

> She said, " I'll tell you WHAT I WANT TO TELL YOU. Someday you'll

> wake up and it'll be ALL OVER and you'll wonder where it all went and

> YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!! "

>

> We left.

>

> Please help me find the humor in this... I'm trying not to cry

> anymore...

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

THANK YOU ALL!!!

I find it amazing that the #1 fear of all our Nada's seems to

be 'placement elsewhere.' I've been trying to figure out 'why' and I

think I hit it on its obvious head: they are so self-involved with

their bpd traits that the thought of not having a family audience on

a daily basis is their worst fear. Couple that with the perceptions

of 'being abandoned' and they're going to go right now the self-pity,

and therefore, suicide road.

Plus they just like to boss us around.

I'm trying very hard to keep the ship upright when she's in town.

Most of you know how these 'trips' in/out affect me & mine... not so

good. Thankfully ds is gone for a few days and I'm heavy in work so

I'm just bowing out of 'the spin' for now. I'm sure she'll show up

and start her thing but I'm getting better at just cutting her off...

don't care if I'm rude anymore... doesn't seem to have curtailed her

mouth ;o)

Trying hard to " Give Peace a Chance " ... internally at least.

Lynnette

> >

> > Good behavior only lasted for 5 days (sorta).

> >

> > Just left a 'family dinner'. Afterward we were watching TV and

an

> > add for a senior retirement community came on. Out of

nowhere, " I

> > REFUSE to go into one of those places. I mean REFUSE REFUSE

REFUSE

> > REFUSE... If YOU put me there I WILL kill myself. I'd rather be

> > DEAD! "

> >

> > She's been saying that for years. Therapists reaction when I

told

> > her that 9 months ago, " Well, it IS her choice to kill herself.

It

> > is NOT her choice to force herself on YOU and be mean to you for

the

> > rest of HER life. "

> >

> > And... I did something jokingly behind son's back and she

said, " Oh,

> > don't DO that... "

> >

> > I said, " Please don't tell me what to do with my son... I'm

> > playing... "

> >

> > She said, " I'll tell you WHAT I WANT TO TELL YOU. Someday you'll

> > wake up and it'll be ALL OVER and you'll wonder where it all went

and

> > YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!! "

> >

> > We left.

> >

> > Please help me find the humor in this... I'm trying not to cry

> > anymore...

> >

> > Lynnette

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Good behavior only lasted for 5 days (sorta)...

>

> ...She said, " I'll tell you WHAT I WANT TO TELL YOU. Someday you'll

> wake up and it'll be ALL OVER and you'll wonder where it all went and

> YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!! "

>

> We left.

>

> Please help me find the humor in this... I'm trying not to cry

> anymore...

>

> Lynnette

>

Lynnette-

Wow...talk about crazy. I can't find any humor, but when I read it, my

thought is she's totally projecting her current feelings. She is

bemoaning getting old and on some level realizes all the crazy therapy

groups and new outfits aren't enough to make her happy, in fact she's

down right ANGRY that her life is coming to the close and she's

accomplished zippo. But instead of focusing on the source of her anger

(her own behavior), she heaps a bunch of garbage on her favorite

scapegoat...you. What a horrible excuse for a mother!

Your therapist has a point...she doesn't have the right to continue to

trample over you and your feelins at will. Can I ask, any more

thoughts/discussions with your therapist about NC these days?

Take care-

JJFan

[Guest guest]

We're pretty LC these days. I just don't have it in me anymore... I

can't really 'do' NC but, make no mistake, she crosses lines and

we're zippo for weeks at a time. This is the first 'big contact'

she's had with us in a month+

Therapist is pleased that I'm being proactive with here rather than

reactive... she just caught me off gaurd the other night and brought

back 'the good old days'

Lynnette

> >

> > Good behavior only lasted for 5 days (sorta)...

> >

> > ...She said, " I'll tell you WHAT I WANT TO TELL YOU. Someday

you'll

> > wake up and it'll be ALL OVER and you'll wonder where it all went

and

> > YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!! "

> >

> > We left.

> >

> > Please help me find the humor in this... I'm trying not to cry

> > anymore...

> >

> > Lynnette

> >

>

> Lynnette-

>

> Wow...talk about crazy. I can't find any humor, but when I read

it, my

> thought is she's totally projecting her current feelings. She is

> bemoaning getting old and on some level realizes all the crazy

therapy

> groups and new outfits aren't enough to make her happy, in fact

she's

> down right ANGRY that her life is coming to the close and she's

> accomplished zippo. But instead of focusing on the source of her

anger

> (her own behavior), she heaps a bunch of garbage on her favorite

> scapegoat...you. What a horrible excuse for a mother!

>

> Your therapist has a point...she doesn't have the right to continue

to

> trample over you and your feelins at will. Can I ask, any more

> thoughts/discussions with your therapist about NC these days?

>

> Take care-

> JJFan

>