Re: HELP!!! NADA's GUILT-RIDDEN LETTER

[Guest guest]

I agree: I think your therapist is right: its best for you to not

accept e-mails from your mom. Your bpd mom isn't respecting the

boundaries you set: the amazingly guilt-laced letter is evidence.

Notice that in her letter its *you* who have all the problems (of

course.) She wrote that *you* are co-dependent on your therapist, etc.

etc.

I think the most telling statement is: " ...as long as u r alive, I

will continue to try to see you and talk to u. As a daughter, you are

not going to tell me what to do anymore. "

Whoa! She is telling you directly that you are not allowed to have

boundaries, and she will do whatever she damned well pleases, and

up yours, etc.! (And I find it fascinating that she thinks " everyone "

fits in one of the borderline mother categories! Its true: Cluster B

pds do not recognize that they themselves have any problem, its

everyone *else* who is mentally ill!)

It would be wonderful if you could rescue the two kids, but, it would

take a lot of time and money and effort to do that, and then you'd be

enmeshed back with your mom and sis again as they would probably

demand and receive visitation rights. Very sad for the kids.

Yep, I personally think that your best bet is continued no contact.

You don't even have to reply to the e-mail letter or explain anything,

really. I'd just ignore it.

Personality disorders do not " get well. " You are right: all you can do

is change your own reactions and behaviors, detach yourself

emotionally, set firm boundaries, and enforce them. YOu are not a bad

person for protecting yourself from abuse.

-Annie

>

> If no one remembers my story, let me refresh you all.  I have a BPD

sister and a BP Mom.  I have been involved in their dysfunction for 29

years.  I am now 32, and have been NC for 3 years.  I went NC after a

string of chaotic enmeshed outbursts.  My sister went on a drug binge

and broke into her neighbor's home at 5 AM.  She is a mom of 3 and at

the time of the incident, they were 1, 3, and 6.  The kids were almost

taken away by the State, and she was arrested and Baker Acted into 72

hour lockdown of psych ward.  She got her kids back thanks to my

mother, rescuing the situation.  But, I was blamed for not being in my

role, the typical scapegoat family rescuer, who never let anybody

down.  You see, I was specifically trained for that role for 29

years.  In the past 3 years, I have maintained a marriage, which was

bound to end, because of all the chaos.  I go to therapy and go to

CoDA.  I have really worked on myself and worked on

> relieving my guilt, because believe me, I DID LIVE IN THE FOG!!!!

>  

> Since then, against the wishes of my therapist, I have answered some

of the emails from my mom.  At first, they were just Hi dear, just

wrote to say I love you.  Or, Happy Birthday, etc. etc.  Now, I know

that they are just hooks.  I have not wanted to answer her emails, and

I was doing really good the first 2 years, but this 3rd year has been

really hard on me.  I miss my nephew, and my nieces, and by going NC

with mom and sis, I haven't been able to see them grow.  This year, my

younger half-sister (my dad remarried) is getting married. She has had

engagement parties and graduation events, etc, and I have been faced

with my BP sis on several family occasions.  We don't speak, but at

least she doesn't keep her kids from talking to me.  It's difficult to

be in the same room, but I've managed.

>  

> Now, I did put one boundary up with my mom, that I am okay with

emails on Holidays.  Again, this is against the wishes of my

therapist, but I figured with the strength I have gained over the

years, I could be fine with that.  But, it seems I just giving BP mom,

false hope.  She wrote me and said Happy Thanksgiving, and I wrote her

back with the same wishes.  However, this is the response that I got

from that one:  And I quote...

>  

> " Still have the apts over there?

>

>

> I know what you said, Mandy, & I have sat back & waited for 3 years

while u healed your COda. 3 times u gave me hope that we would have a

meeting & set boundaries only to give me more disappointments from

WHOMEVER you are coda on now & giving u advice. 

>

>

> 3yearsMandy! I think that shows I am capable of boundaries. I would

give anything to have another 3 years with my mom. I am 62 years old

& someday u will understand how I feel. You r missing out on a lot of

luv, fun, trips, shopping and movies with a person who loves u very

much .. Always have, always will.

>

>

> U r not dead, yet I have had to grieve & behave as tho u are. As a

mother ,as long as u r alive, I will continue to try to see you and

talk to u. As a daughter, you are not going to tell me what to do

anymore. Whatever makes u happy, YOU do it. I am convinced now, that

you don't ever want to see me again. I am sick over it, devastated,

hurt beyond the imagination and I don't deserve it. I've been taking

medicine for 10 years  for a dianosis a psychiatrist made after

talking to me for 1 1/2 hours. As far as your book goes, I have read

it twice and I believe most people fit one of those catagories.

 Pretty much sums up everyone,doesn't it?

>

>

> Love momma "

>

> The thing about BPD, is that the BP doesn't think they have BPD.  As

you can plainly see, after I asked her to read " The Borderline Mother "

a long time ago.  One thing I know for sure, is that they will never

change.  It is ME that has to continue to change.  I think I am

happiest when I am NC, because I do not have my heart torn into pieces

and guilt consuming me and crying all the time.  I think there was a

reason my therapist told me to ignore emails.  Guess I have learned my

lesson.  Thoughts, anyone?

> Love,

> Mandy

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I've seen other people do this, and I've always wanted to give it a

whirl. See my comments for her subliminal messages within your

nada's letter.

>  

> " Still have the apts over there?

>

>

> I know what you said, Mandy, & I have sat back & waited for 3 years

while u healed your COda [your problem, I've been waiting patiently].

3 times u gave me hope that we would have a meeting & set boundaries

only to give me more disappointments from WHOMEVER you are coda on

now & giving u advice [you couldn't possibly have your own opinion so

someone must be brainwashing you]. 

>

>

> 3yearsMandy! [gasp!] I think that shows I am capable of boundaries

[current e-mail notwithstanding]. I would give anything to have

another 3 years with my mom [therefore, so must you]. I am 62 years

old & someday u will understand how I feel [my feelings are paramount,

of course]. You r missing out on a lot of luv [kind of like " lite "

instead of " light " food], fun [fun!], trips [ER, etc.], shopping [for

me] and movies with a person who loves u [not " you " ] very much ..

Always have, always will [yeah, that's it!].

>

>

> U r not dead, yet I have had to grieve & behave as tho u are [see?

You made me do this!]. As a mother ,as long as u r alive, I will

continue to try to see you and talk to u [it is a mother's

perogative, after all]. As a daughter, you are not going to tell me

what to do anymore [i own you]. Whatever makes u happy, YOU do it. I

am convinced now, that you don't ever want to see me again [i'm on to

you]. I am sick over it, devastated, hurt beyond the imagination and

I don't deserve it [MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME]. I've been taking medicine

for 10 years  for a dianosis a psychiatrist made after talking to me

for 1 1/2 hours [your fault! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME]. As far as your book

goes, I have read it twice and I believe most people fit one of those

catagories.  Pretty much sums up everyone,doesn't it [clearly I don't

have a problem, after all, doesn't EVERYONE act this way?]?

>

>

> Love [?!?!?!?!?!?] momma "