Re: Any advice for people still financially dependant on a bpd parent?

[Guest guest]

Well, that is a typical emotionally abusive behavior for someone with

BPD. It was mean and unfair. She has split you " bad " and your

brother " good. "

My only advice for people who are financially dependent on a BPD

parent is to MAKE A CONCRETE PLAN WITH A TIMELINE to become

financially INdependent. You are right, money is power to these

kinds of parents.

If you are a student, this might mean getting a job or two, taking

out your own loan, and possibly even enrolling part-time and

graduating at a later date. Unless of course you are only a semester

or two away from graduating.

For my mother, any time I went against her wishes, I'd hear the

words " spoiled brat " at least once, and, " I'm paying for your

college! How dare you talk back to me! "

My sister just finished her undergraduate degree. My parents told

her she could move back home and that they would also pay for grad

school. I was so proud of her--she said no on both counts.

I have been married and on my own for nearly 8 years--and it is

WONDERFUL not having my mother's money (oops, i guess it's

technically my father's--she doesn't work) hanging over my head.

Anyway, I wish you could have had a mother who didn't berate you just

for thinking about coming to a funeral. But since that's the card

you were dealt, I hope you will learn how to win with it anyway.

>

> Hi there, I found out that my nada has BPD 6 months ago and have

been

> coming to terms with it all. I have been just reading this site,

but

> it has been great just to read and hear that some other people also

> have to deal with similar situations which I am going through.

>

> Well coming to the reason for my post. Last week my Grandmother

> passed away. I never got to visit her as she lives in another

> country, but I was sad, and frustrated with my circumstances at not

> ever being able to meet her. I was considering taking a loan and

> being present for the funeral at least, with my aunt showing me

> around and introducing me to the family. In the end I decided not

to,

> it would be much better to meet the family in more positive

> circumstances, and with more available time. I decided all of this

> before I got a call from my nada who had been speaking to my

brother

> who was present at the aunts place when we were discussing it all.

>

> My nada started to yell and said how she couldn't understand why I

> was doing this, and that since my brother got to meet her and was

> closer to her then he should deserve to go not me, and that she

would

> not have helped me financially if I was going to piss off overseas.

> (I am a student and have returned home for the summer holidays, I

> have moved into a flat after 2 weeks at home and have had very

little

> financial help).

>

> I told her that if I was going to go (which I wasn't at that point)

I

> would have taken a loan so it wasn't her money. That it was my

> grandmother so I would have liked to have some involvement, and I

> calmly told her to stop yelling at me.

>

> Worst was that when I saw her next she pretended like nothing had

> happened, and that I was the crazy one.

>

>

> I was wondering if anyone had any advice for people who are still

> financially dependant on a bpd parent? Its very hard having to rely

> on her when she uses it against me at every opportunity.

>

[Guest guest]

I have to agree; I think the only way to stop a BP parent from using it to shame

and manipulate you is to get to a place where you don't need any help from them

at all.

It's pretty disgusting -- I find it especially so now that I'm a parent myself.

Now I look back at all the shaming and manipulation my nada put me through when

I was in college and just starting out and I can see clearly how insane she is,

how she has no idea what NORMAL parents are happy to do for their kids.

They're selfish -- emotionally they're toddlers and they're CHEAP. They don't

like giving away their money -- it's exactly like forcing a toddler to share her

toys. They're GREEDY. They're Indian Givers (when they can get away with it!)

They want BIG TIME payback for anything they're forced to give you. And they

project negative traits onto US to justify their cheapness to themselves and

everyone around them.

Anyhow -- I think you're just going to have to grin and bear it as much as

possible until you can reach a point where you never need anything from them.

You WILL get there, but it might take a while, so just be kind to yourself in

the meantime!

It's NORMAL to need occasional help from your parents -- especially when you're

young and just starting out! THEY'RE the ones who are abnormal for using it

against you. Keep reminding yourself of that and try not to let your nada's

cruelty affect how you feel about yourself.

(YOU are going to be fine! She, on the other hand, will always be crazy and

never get better.)

Best, S

Re: Any advice for people still financially

dependant on a bpd parent?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Well, that is a typical emotionally abusive behavior for someone

> with

> BPD. It was mean and unfair. She has split you " bad " and your

> brother " good. "

>

> My only advice for people who are financially dependent on a BPD

> parent is to MAKE A CONCRETE PLAN WITH A TIMELINE to become

> financially INdependent. You are right, money is power to these

> kinds of parents.

>

> If you are a student, this might mean getting a job or two,

> taking

> out your own loan, and possibly even enrolling part-time and

> graduating at a later date. Unless of course you are only a

> semester

> or two away from graduating.

>

> For my mother, any time I went against her wishes, I'd hear the

> words " spoiled brat " at least once, and, " I'm paying for your

> college! How dare you talk back to me! "

>

> My sister just finished her undergraduate degree. My parents

> told

> her she could move back home and that they would also pay for

> grad

> school. I was so proud of her--she said no on both counts.

>

> I have been married and on my own for nearly 8 years--and it is

> WONDERFUL not having my mother's money (oops, i guess it's

> technically my father's--she doesn't work) hanging over my head.

>

> Anyway, I wish you could have had a mother who didn't berate you

> just

> for thinking about coming to a funeral. But since that's the

> card

> you were dealt, I hope you will learn how to win with it anyway.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi there, I found out that my nada has BPD 6 months ago and

> have

> been

> > coming to terms with it all. I have been just reading this

> site,

> but

> > it has been great just to read and hear that some other people

> also

> > have to deal with similar situations which I am going through.

> >

> > Well coming to the reason for my post. Last week my

> Grandmother

> > passed away. I never got to visit her as she lives in another

> > country, but I was sad, and frustrated with my circumstances

> at not

> > ever being able to meet her. I was considering taking a loan

> and

> > being present for the funeral at least, with my aunt showing

> me

> > around and introducing me to the family. In the end I decided

> not

> to,

> > it would be much better to meet the family in more positive

> > circumstances, and with more available time. I decided all of

> this

> > before I got a call from my nada who had been speaking to my

> brother

> > who was present at the aunts place when we were discussing it

> all.

> >

> > My nada started to yell and said how she couldn't understand

> why I

> > was doing this, and that since my brother got to meet her and

> was

> > closer to her then he should deserve to go not me, and that

> she

> would

> > not have helped me financially if I was going to piss off

> overseas.

> > (I am a student and have returned home for the summer

> holidays, I

> > have moved into a flat after 2 weeks at home and have had very

> little

> > financial help).

> >

> > I told her that if I was going to go (which I wasn't at that

> point)

> I

> > would have taken a loan so it wasn't her money. That it was my

> > grandmother so I would have liked to have some involvement,

> and I

> > calmly told her to stop yelling at me.

> >

> > Worst was that when I saw her next she pretended like nothing

> had

> > happened, and that I was the crazy one.

> >

> >

> > I was wondering if anyone had any advice for people who are

> still

> > financially dependant on a bpd parent? Its very hard having to

> rely

> > on her when she uses it against me at every opportunity.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi. I'm very sorry to hear about your Grandmother's passing and the

things you're going through with your nada.

> I was wondering if anyone had any advice for people who are still

> financially dependant on a bpd parent? Its very hard having to

rely

> on her when she uses it against me at every opportunity.

>

Boy, do I remember those days and how completely trapped I felt. I

kept telling myself that it was easier to let them help me

financially and put up with the strings attached to everything, and

then I'd beat myself up for staying in the situation or I'd feel

guilty for thinking of leaving and what that would do to my younger

brother.

All you can do, though, is take it at your own pace.

I can tell you that the manipulation will not stop. I got to a point

that I couldn't take it anymore, so I separated. That was painful in

itself and yet another way for me to fill the role of " bad daughter "

in her eyes. She became the victim because I was ungrateful and

suspicious of her motives, when all she wanted to do was help me and

love me. Why did I reject her so easily?

It's the " double bind " that makes BPD so crazy-making for those

around the BP. There's a consequence with any move you make, every

decision. You'll never be right or good enough, according to them,

because you'll never fill the black hole they have inside of them.

The truth is, the best move is what keeps you safe and happy, and

honors your path. That's the best any of us can do, not only for

ourselves, but also for our families and the BPs in our lives, too.

Modeling appropriate behavior and appropriate boundaries and holding

firm to those boundaries is the most altruistic thing we can do.

Good luck in your journey!

>

> Hi there, I found out that my nada has BPD 6 months ago and have

been

> coming to terms with it all. I have been just reading this site,

but

> it has been great just to read and hear that some other people

also

> have to deal with similar situations which I am going through.

>

> Well coming to the reason for my post. Last week my Grandmother

> passed away. I never got to visit her as she lives in another

> country, but I was sad, and frustrated with my circumstances at

not

> ever being able to meet her. I was considering taking a loan and

> being present for the funeral at least, with my aunt showing me

> around and introducing me to the family. In the end I decided not

to,

> it would be much better to meet the family in more positive

> circumstances, and with more available time. I decided all of this

> before I got a call from my nada who had been speaking to my

brother

> who was present at the aunts place when we were discussing it all.

>

> My nada started to yell and said how she couldn't understand why I

> was doing this, and that since my brother got to meet her and was

> closer to her then he should deserve to go not me, and that she

would

> not have helped me financially if I was going to piss off

overseas.

> (I am a student and have returned home for the summer holidays, I

> have moved into a flat after 2 weeks at home and have had very

little

> financial help).

>

> I told her that if I was going to go (which I wasn't at that

point) I

> would have taken a loan so it wasn't her money. That it was my

> grandmother so I would have liked to have some involvement, and I

> calmly told her to stop yelling at me.

>

> Worst was that when I saw her next she pretended like nothing had

> happened, and that I was the crazy one.

>

>

> I was wondering if anyone had any advice for people who are still

> financially dependant on a bpd parent? Its very hard having to

rely

> on her when she uses it against me at every opportunity.

>

[Guest guest]

Been there, done that. I actually worked 35-40 hours per week in

college while maintaining a full course load so I wouldn't have to

be any more financially dependent on my parents than absolutely

necessary. But they still held their portion of my tuition payments

over my head, saying such helpful things as " I don't see why we

should be sending you to college if all you're going to do is get

C's. " (this after my first C, ever, during a semester in which I

took on a particularly diffcult courseload and was pressing charges

against an ex-BF who basically stole all of my belongings). And

then there were the assertions that they couldn't afford my tuition,

spoken just before " Do you want to see our new bedroom furniture? "

My nada decided to start buying these creepy porcelain dolls (the

kind that run upwards of $200 per) at the same time. Yep. Know the

feeling.

My advice: work your a$$ off and get out of her clutches, even if

it means delaying your progress through school. By the end of

college I practially had a nervous breakdown from all the stress

with complete lack of emotional support from my parents. In

hindsight, I would have been much better off going to school part

time and paying for the whole cost of tuition myself.

> >

> > Hi there, I found out that my nada has BPD 6 months ago and have

> been

> > coming to terms with it all. I have been just reading this site,

> but

> > it has been great just to read and hear that some other people

> also

> > have to deal with similar situations which I am going through.

> >

> > Well coming to the reason for my post. Last week my Grandmother

> > passed away. I never got to visit her as she lives in another

> > country, but I was sad, and frustrated with my circumstances at

> not

> > ever being able to meet her. I was considering taking a loan and

> > being present for the funeral at least, with my aunt showing me

> > around and introducing me to the family. In the end I decided

not

> to,

> > it would be much better to meet the family in more positive

> > circumstances, and with more available time. I decided all of

this

> > before I got a call from my nada who had been speaking to my

> brother

> > who was present at the aunts place when we were discussing it

all.

> >

> > My nada started to yell and said how she couldn't understand why

I

> > was doing this, and that since my brother got to meet her and

was

> > closer to her then he should deserve to go not me, and that she

> would

> > not have helped me financially if I was going to piss off

> overseas.

> > (I am a student and have returned home for the summer holidays,

I

> > have moved into a flat after 2 weeks at home and have had very

> little

> > financial help).

> >

> > I told her that if I was going to go (which I wasn't at that

> point) I

> > would have taken a loan so it wasn't her money. That it was my

> > grandmother so I would have liked to have some involvement, and

I

> > calmly told her to stop yelling at me.

> >

> > Worst was that when I saw her next she pretended like nothing

had

> > happened, and that I was the crazy one.

> >

> >

> > I was wondering if anyone had any advice for people who are

still

> > financially dependant on a bpd parent? Its very hard having to

> rely

> > on her when she uses it against me at every opportunity.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I can really relate to this. Since being laid off and unable to find

a new job, I have had to move in with nada. Needless to say, it is

living hell. She is constantly going on me about me not being

grateful for all that she is doing for me. BPDs totally live in their

own world and refuse to even acknowledge that there is any other

reality than what they believe. I have helped nada plenty in the

most, with moving and chores, and I earn my keep around the house. I

also put MYSELF through school completely, and have been pretty much

self-supporting since age 18 (actually before that because sweet

generous nada had me paying " rent " when I was only 16 years old).

Believe me, I know how your self-esteem can take a beating when

throughout your life your parents make you feel like nothing but a

burden. I am dealing with this bitterness on a daily basis now.

My advice: try to avoid your BPD parent as much as possible. I just

landed a decent job where I set the hours, and believe me, I intend

to work as much as possible in order to get out of the house. Also, I

have found safe havens where we live, like the library. I spend a lot

of time there. As soon as I earn some spending money, I intend to

join meet-up groups in my area. Although all I seem to do irritates

nada, most others seem to enjoy my company and it is good to know our

rotten relationship is her fault, not mine.

Also one thing I would suggest: BPDs have a lot of trouble with

boundaries and limits, and being financially indebted to them can

make them feel like they have the right to violate your boundaries

and limits because you " owe " them. If you can, try to make the

indebtedness/loan/whatever as business-like as possible. Although

nada states that she trusts me to pay her back for a car loan(one of

the few virtues that she thinks I possess is honesty, but that's the

only one really), I insisted in writing up a promissory note and pay

interest on the loan. I decided to do this after she started

making " jokes " while watching Judge Judy when parents would sue their

deadbeat children for unpaid loans. Another little fun fact: BPDs are

masters of passive-aggressiveness. A " joke " always has some deeper

meaning with nada.

Hope this was helpful to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[Guest guest]

Dave Ramsey's book, The Total Money Makeover, really helped us

financially. If you go to his website and listen to some archieves,

you can occassionally hear a definite bp member in the family whose

manipulative w/money. There are actually quite a bit of dysfunctional

family stories w/stolen identities and such. But his advice via his

book is really sound. It helped us financially to be less fearful and

stand on our own two feet as a married couple.

I took out student loans for college just b/c my nada never offered

to help w/college. It was a gift of sorts to me. I have seen this a

lot in life w/various family memebers and even friends- especially

w/child sitting even. I'm amazed at times.

Best wishes to you. I'm sorry about your grandmother's passing and

never having had a chance to meet her.

Kerrie

> >

> > Hi there, I found out that my nada has BPD 6 months ago and have

> been

> > coming to terms with it all. I have been just reading this site,

> but

> > it has been great just to read and hear that some other people

> also

> > have to deal with similar situations which I am going through.

> >

> > Well coming to the reason for my post. Last week my Grandmother

> > passed away. I never got to visit her as she lives in another

> > country, but I was sad, and frustrated with my circumstances at

> not

> > ever being able to meet her. I was considering taking a loan and

> > being present for the funeral at least, with my aunt showing me

> > around and introducing me to the family. In the end I decided not

> to,

> > it would be much better to meet the family in more positive

> > circumstances, and with more available time. I decided all of

this

> > before I got a call from my nada who had been speaking to my

> brother

> > who was present at the aunts place when we were discussing it

all.

> >

> > My nada started to yell and said how she couldn't understand why

I

> > was doing this, and that since my brother got to meet her and was

> > closer to her then he should deserve to go not me, and that she

> would

> > not have helped me financially if I was going to piss off

> overseas.

> > (I am a student and have returned home for the summer holidays, I

> > have moved into a flat after 2 weeks at home and have had very

> little

> > financial help).

> >

> > I told her that if I was going to go (which I wasn't at that

> point) I

> > would have taken a loan so it wasn't her money. That it was my

> > grandmother so I would have liked to have some involvement, and I

> > calmly told her to stop yelling at me.

> >

> > Worst was that when I saw her next she pretended like nothing had

> > happened, and that I was the crazy one.

> >

> >

> > I was wondering if anyone had any advice for people who are still

> > financially dependant on a bpd parent? Its very hard having to

> rely

> > on her when she uses it against me at every opportunity.

> >

>