Dealing with flashbacks ...

[Guest guest]

My flashbacks still come and go and sometimes I still cry.

 

One time in particular my nada let her drunk boyfriend beat with his fists until

I got a black eye.  When I back flipped away from him (literally I was on a

bed), I grabbed for the phone out of her hands to call the police and she hit me

over the head with it.  I'll never forget how it all started and the words

slashing from her lips when I screamed for her to help me.  I had been in my

bed, with my little night light with kittens on it - and a purple ribbon.  Nada

came in crying asking me why I always made him so angry.  The truth was he would

get drunk and want to fight with me.  I was 13.  Nada was in tears and said, " Oh

I know it's not all your fault. "   She was sitting on my bed and whispering.  The

he burst in the door, blinded us with the light and started screaming at me.  I

do not remember a thing he said for the unintelligible drivel glided along the

spittle assaulting my face.  I leaned into the bed, threatened to kick him and

he

started throwing punches.  I screamed for her help and the icicles came over

her face.  She was stone.  She sneered:

" Why should I help you, you have no respect for me. "

 

I was so stunned he landed the punch and I flipped, grabbed for the phone, got

smacked and nearly ripped the doorknob out of the socket getting down the stairs

and into my basement bathroom to sit in the dark hugging my knees for a solid 20

minutes or so.  They did not check on me.  Nada went to bed without a word.  I

turned on the light and saw the black eye and instead of crying, smirked.  I

figured I finally could get that worthless school counselor to call the cops

about what I had been complaining about for months; the drunk fights that I knew

would eventually lead to violence.  Nada blamed me in the police report.  Little

did I know she was setting me up to send me to a military school for disturbed

children.

 

To this day when I think of those moments, or when someone goes off angrily I

shake and get light headed.  My father beat with a belt until I bled at one

point and wasn't afraid to punish at the drop of hat - particularly on a bad

day.  One time when I was 19 he was beating the dog and I almost peed myself.  I

went in the bathroom and dry heaved.  To this day when my father gets upset I

can't speak for a few moments and I get instantly adrenalized - terrified.

 

Flashbacks from my sexual assaults plague me every time I'm intimate.  It's a

nightmare and not a tale for this list, but suffice to say I didn't feel an

actual 'touch' anywhere on my body until I was 22.

 

I get flashbacks in the middle of the day and have to ground myself with the TV

or the PC or else my mind will simply revel there with all those emotions and

body reactions spinning around. 

 

I don't think they ever go away ... I think I've just learned ways to ground

myself and tune them out, put them back in their place in my mind/memories.  I

also make it a point to tell my husband and spend time with him being close to

me - just holding my hand or a hug.  Or I hug my children, tell them I love them

and how beautiful and smart they are.  I look for anything I can love.  Because

only the light of love seems to force the despondency of the shadows away.

 

Sorry so long ... *sigh*  Nada to this day will not apologize for that incident

nor admit what she said or did.  She changes the story always.  Even in that

story she told all her friends I beat her and then went to my friends parents in

the 8th grade and told them tearily that I abused her and beat her.  I lost

every friend I had save one.  I wasn't allowed to see anyone.  This was my

punishment for trying to get help from the police.

 

I'm sorry to anyone who has flashbacks ... I also try to remind myself that

there's always someone out there who has endured worse than I have.  And that if

they can live through it ... so can I.