Giving love or giving up???

[Guest guest]

My anger and sadness over the last abusive incident with my nada is

starting to fade. I started taking antidepressents for the first time

in my life so I'm feeling strong and have been thinking about

contacting her. I know this is a dangerous pattern - she doesn't

apologize and won't discuss what happened at all. She just waits

until the whole thing blows over and acts as if nothing happened.

Then we have a few good months, she gains my trust and then she does

something awful to me and the whole cycle starts again. It's hurtful

and exhausting and I always regret letting her back in my life. Yet I

still have this yearning for the mom who is sometimes very loving and

supportive, even though I know she could turn evil without warning.

Has anyone succeeded at having a relationship with their nada or is

NC the only way to go?

Part of my motivation is to get in touch with my 18-yr-old brother

who still lives with her. I believe she's been telling him I'm

ashamed of the fact that he is gay, which is a lie. She tells people

this is the reason I am keeping my distance from her. She is the one

who has a problem with it, but I just want him to be happy. I'm

keeping my distance because of her behavior, not his.

He's graduating from high school this year, and I just want him to

know the truth. I sent him a letter telling him basically that this

summer, but I'm not sure if he got it. I know she intercepted it

because she told me he didn't like it and found it impersonal. That

really confused me because I wrote from the heart, but now that I

understand more about BPD I wonder if she kept it from him or if she

convinced him it was impersonal or untrue. Hopefully he saw it and

heard what I was saying despite her manipulation. He has never talked

to me about it and doesn't initiate contact with me so I have no idea

what he thinks. She says their computer is broken so I can't e-mail

him. She also stopped paying his cell phone and it was turned off. So

my only way to him is through her (by her design I'm sure.)

So here's my question:

Do you fight through the lies or just let it go and let people figure

it out on their own? I've been trained all my life to be passive and

sometimes I think I should be more assertive and set the record

straight. Other times I think there's no winning with a BPD or that

I'm being codependent and should let it go. I guess I really need

some unbiased feedback...