How to Diagnose BPD?

[Guest guest]

Hey All,

I just joined this a few hours ago and have pretty much been reading

up non-stop on what people have to say. I was wondering how many here

have diagnosed BP parents and how many just assume that they are BP?

I feel that my mother is pretty close to a nada (where does that name

come from?), but how can you know for sure?

I should add my predicament: I just graduated from college and moved

back in with the parents. If my mom is BP, she is high-functioning,

so the first few months were more or less fine, but recently it has

been a mess. I have always thought that my mom lacked rationality and

was overly emotional, but now I am afraid she may have a full blown

mental illness. I was wondering, if I gave you some instances of her

behavior and explanations of her background, if anyone here could tell

me if she is a definite BP case?

Some reasons:

1) She had an extremely traumatic childhood, the details of which I

continue to learn about.

2) The driving thing - quite a few people here have mentioned this and

it really hit home. It almost seems like she's trying to get us into

a wreck when she is screaming bloody murder from the passenger seat of

the car for no apparent reason. She gets extremely worked up in cars

if anyone else is driving.

3) Splitting - definitely likes defining things in black/white

good/evil terms. Recently, she admitted it has been hard for her to

learn that " good people can do evil things, " and in general, if you

are not supportive of her, you are automatically against her.

4) Excellent at guilt-tripping. Great example: We decided to get a

family dog, and we were going to meet at the breeder's home. My

brother and I were late arriving and the parents called us and told us

not to come, saying that they had already left. We came home to find

that they had impulsively gotten two dogs (we had only ever talked

about getting one) because my mom thought they were so cute and

perfect. When she asked what I thought about them, I said " well,

they're great, but isn't it a little quick to have already picked up

two of them? " She decided that my answer was not positive enough and

that I was not appreciating her. She yelled " I did this all for you! "

(there are five members of the family and she just blatantly singled

me out) and then she ran away crying, to guilt me for not appreciating

her nice gesture that I had no say in.

5) She has intense bouts of rage that occur typically when she is

stressed, but it is never obvious what triggers it and she always

picks a single family member as the target (whom she screams at).

There never seems to be any rationality behind it.

6) She likes to be the center of attention at all times, especially at

dinner parties when she tries to dominate conversation.

7) Her only true close friend left is my father, who is still married

to her and definitely co-dependent (even if she isn't BP, I am certain

they would both be messes without one another).

8) She is flawless in her own mind, and she redirects any criticism of

her usually with some stinging criticism of you. It seems that she

has an impeccable memory of all your childhood flaws, which she brings

up whenever she feels the need.

9) Her common criticism of her children is that they are " impudent "

and " ungrateful " and she always lets us know how she feels - that we

never appreciate all the things she does for us.

But at the same time, she is a high-functioning person who would not

be considered mentally ill to an outside observer. When I was young

and asked my friends growing up if their moms were really emotional

and tough on them, they said yes, so I always assumed my mom acted

like other moms to their children. However, after reading a lot of

posts on this site, it seems more and more likely that she is a nada.

And I am starting to wonder if my dad is a NP because he loves that

mom fawns over him for all that he does for her (and he does do

everything around the house and takes extreme pride in his work). He

was also apparently quite an elitist growing up, believing he was

smarter and more capable than his peers. So I could see how he could

be NPD-lite. Why is it so common to have NPD/BPD parents as a match?

And does this mean that my genes are seriously flawed (like would

there be any trickle down effects on my kids)?

In terms of how I cope: I have become much more aggressive as an adult

in pointing out the irrationality in my mom's thoughts and arguments.

And when she rages, I have become angry back, to the point that now

she switches from a full-blown rage to tears in a matter of minutes.

When I was a child, I was too afraid of the rage, but now I feel it is

a duty to stand up to it. However, as my dad continues to support her

no matter what, I almost feel like I am losing a grip on reality and

perhaps I am the one out of touch, when both of them tell me that I am

way off base. So it has been very trying on me.

Thanks for any and all insight. It has definitely been helpful to

read all the posts here.

-jm