fleas vs injuries

[Guest guest]

Please correct me if I'm wrong here, because I don't have my copy of

" Stop Walking on Eggshells " any longer (I gave it to my Sister.)

So I'm going from memory.

But, I think that a " flea " is actually a bpd *behavior* that we have

" picked up " because we were exposed to it daily. Its a bpd behavior

we have copied because children naturally mimic their parental role

models, the " flea " is not a behavior that is intrinsic to our own

personalities, necessarily.

For example, early in life I picked up the " flea " of perfectionism

from my nada because she exhibited perfectionist behavior all the time

and expected it of me. I have gradually been able to out-grow my

perfectionism " flea " and am much more easy-going with other people and

myself, now.

At the same time, I still have some symptoms of PTSD from growing up

in a very stressful, negative, abusive, unpredictable atmosphere. I

still have a strong startle reaction, I do not want to be around

people who remind me of my nada, I still bite my nails, have trouble

staying asleep, and other physiological symptoms of high stress. But

that (I believe) is an injury I received, it is not a bpd behavior I

picked up.

Am I remembering the book correctly?

In any case, please, don't any of you feel ashamed for having an

injury. PTSD is not a character flaw, it is an injury. Would you be

ashamed if somebody broke your arm? Of course not!

If anyone should be feeling shame, its the people who *inflicted* that

injury on you.

See, when you exhibit the symptoms of PTSD it is a *reminder* to your

abusive parent/family that they traumatized you; apparently they deal

with the reminders by dismissing them, or dismissing you by calling

*you* crazy. So, its like abuse " squared " : you're being re-abused

because you are exhibiting the signs of abuse. People who do that are

just off the " Richter scale of cruelty " IMHO.

I know, because when I was a child I began flinching if my nada many

any sudden, unexpected move near me, and when she saw me do that it

would enrage her. So I had to learn to control my involuntary startle

reaction around the momster (aka nada.)

I'm not sure how or when I got it back (the flinch) but I did, and now

have a painfully strong startle reaction to unexpected and/or loud

noises. I wish I could get rid of that, its not pleasant at all.

Maybe its time for some desensitization training.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

> But, I think that a " flea " is actually a bpd *behavior* that we have

> " picked up " because we were exposed to it daily. Its a bpd behavior

> we have copied because children naturally mimic their parental role

> models, the " flea " is not a behavior that is intrinsic to our own

> personalities, necessarily.

I agree. I think of " fleas " as behaviors or thought patterns we

learned from following the example of someone with BPD, such as a

tendency to split or to fear abandonment. Other behaviors or thought

patterns which might be a result of having a parent with BPD--like PTSD

or chronic pain--are not necessarily " fleas " ...I think of them as " side-

effects. " I don't know how important the distinction is, though.

[Guest guest]

I guess it isn't really important to distinguish between a " flea " and

a " side effect " / " injury. " They're both unwanted, were inflicted on us

by a mentally ill person, and not part of our original, authentic selves.

I just think its easier to change/out-grow a " flea, " myself, because

it is a bpd thought pattern that is irrational. Its something I am

aware of in my conscious mind, so I can deal with consciously. In

computer terms, its like corrupted software that can be re-written.

But I believe its harder to change an " injury " like PTSD because its

damage to the physical brain as well as the conscious mind.

Myself and others here had a physical/chemical/neurological response

to scary, unpredictable, abusive nada: high levels of fear and stress

every day for the first 20 or so years of life. THis kind of

environment can re-wired a person's nervous system. In computer terms,

it would be a " firmware " injury: both the mechanical part of the

computer and the programming were damaged. (And I suppose you can

think of a personality disorder as a bad hard drive!)

PTSD can be treated, but it's a lot more difficult because we are

dealing with both conscious, voluntary thought patterns AND

unconscious, involuntary neurological damage. For example, my body

responds with a painfully hard jerk and prolonged accelerated heart

rate to unexpected noise before I am even consciously aware that I

heard the noise!

I'm sure that desensitization therapy could help that, but

the idea of going through it is not appealing; sort of like the cure

being worse than the disease. But I think I'm eventually going to go

deal with this in therapy. So far, my Sister is choosing to not

become re-acquainted with her repressed anxieties. Her choice on how

to proceed with her therapy is still in limbo.

-Annie

> > But, I think that a " flea " is actually a bpd *behavior* that we have

> > " picked up " because we were exposed to it daily. Its a bpd behavior

> > we have copied because children naturally mimic their parental role

> > models, the " flea " is not a behavior that is intrinsic to our own

> > personalities, necessarily.

>

> I agree. I think of " fleas " as behaviors or thought patterns we

> learned from following the example of someone with BPD, such as a

> tendency to split or to fear abandonment. Other behaviors or thought

> patterns which might be a result of having a parent with BPD--like PTSD

> or chronic pain--are not necessarily " fleas " ...I think of them as " side-

> effects. " I don't know how important the distinction is, though.

>