Re: My fleas

December 7, 2008

I know what you mean about " knots in your stomach " and tightening muscles prior

to visiting your nada. I experienced and still experience those symptons

anytime I have any contact with my nada. I realize now after learning about BPD

that I wasn't just a " nervous wreck " , an " emotional mess " or whatever I felt I

was or other people thought I was. These were signals from my brain to my body

alerting me of a potentially threatening situation.. I always felt maybe I

projected too much, expected the worst and therefore, it happened. Maybe I

subconsciously was this evil person who knew exactly what to do and say to set

nada off. I always felt I caused it and if I didn't feel I caused it then my

nada would certainly let me know it's because of you. I have wasted so many

years of my life trying to understand, trying to please, trying to be that

daughter my nada wanted. I also would think maybe we will have a nice visit, a

nice time together and

there were many times we did enjoy each other's company. That was what confused

me my whole life. But, then there were those times when all seemed to be going

well , something would trigger her , the rage began and I could not understand

what I did. I also left in tears so many times swearing I would never visit

again, never let her get me to that point, but, something in me would forget the

" bad " , and go right back for more. I remember being in a therapy group many

years ago and I would talk about these long phone conversations I had with my

mother and how horrible I would feel during and after the conversation. It had

gotten to the point that as soon as the phone rang and I heard her voice I would

take a valium. The therapist running the group commented that you pay for these

long distance phone calls for hours to get abused, what's the pay off to you? I

didn't have an answer. My boyfriend would also comment that I allow this to

happen, I don't

speak up for myself, I'm crazy to speak to her and how he wouldn't take that

abuse from anyone. Mind you he really knows so little as I have kept most of it

to myself my whole life. When I was in my 20's I would visit my parents and an

older woman commented that it seemed everytime I visited it would take me a week

to get back to being myself. She had told me how she began therapy and for the

first 6 months she could only talk about her mother and her significant other.

She said she was the only one who had taken care of her mother-she would take

her to lunch, to the movies, run her errands , listen to her on the phone for

hours and all her mother did was bad mouth her to everyone. She was always cast

out as the " bad " one while her siblings who did nothing were wonderful. She

explained to me her mother was mentally ill. I listened, but, I didn't think my

mother was that bad, my mother couldn't possibly be mentally ill. She told me

after she got

everything out about her mother and boyfriend the therapist said " what about

YOU? " She said she was silent. She didn't know anything about herself, her

feelings, etc.. It was a big revelation for her to discover herself and to move

on with her life. I was in too much denial to even be able to identify anything

she was saying. My mother was the best mother in the world (that's what she

constantly drummed in my head and still does), my mother sacrificed everything

for her children, my mother loved her children too much, etc.. Now I'm in my

late 50's and am finally realizing my mother has fed me lies my entire life. I

also felt bad because my brother left home and travelled as far away as possible

most of his life, my mother and father didn't get along so it was my duty as a

daughter to make her happy, to please her, to give up my life for the Queen only

to get hurt over & over, to hear horrible things being told about me to other

people, and

to be expected to do everything she needed and wanted. I also could cry just

thinking about her not being around and how I wanted it to be different and

something happened to me about 7 1/2 years ago and since I have been numb.

Nothing she could do or say would hurt me. Maybe it was like a minor breakdown,

maybe ptsd i don't know, but, I just turned off. I felt bad about feeling that

way, but, it became my only coping skill. Now that I have learned about BPD and

NPD (about 6 months ago) everything is making sense to me-my mother, my

reactions, everything. I am finding it harder & harder since the " lightbulb

went off " to even talk to or be in her company. It's like I read about her on

this list everyday. I can relate to something everyone says in their posts.

It's been an emotional roller coaster ride for me-from anger, to sadness, to

disgust, to apathy, I could go on and on. I'm still in the process of trying to

process all this

information I have learned and it's really difficult especially when you have

been brainwashed for so many years.

Therapy will help you- a place to vent, to learn and to practice boundaries.

It's like we're little kids learning to walk all over again. Learning skills

that we were never taught and each tiny step forward should feel like a major

achievemnet to us. Reading what other people write helps me to realize that it

isn't hopeless, that others have been there and are able to live their lives in

healthier ways. On the positive side I think our painful childhoods have made

us into more caring and sensitive people. Guilt is what I lived on for most of

my life. Throw it out-it serves no good and will only destroy you.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, December 5, 2008 9:27:03 PM

Subject: My " fleas "

i have many of the " fleas " that follow being the non-BPD daughter of a BPD

nada.

I keep trying to win her approval and to please her. I have the choice to pass

her house on the way to and from my doctor appointments. I struggle with

avoiding further interaction with someone who regularly hurts me. I find myself

pulling into the drive way and having my muscles tighten and knots begin in my

stomach. I convince myself that " this time " things will be different.

Occasinally, they are and we actually have a good visit. Other times, I leave

in tears and swear that I will not go back for more abuse. My husband has

commented many times that he would not keep going back for more. I am an only

child and feel so obligated to help her. I wrestle with my memories of a painful

childhood and then with guilt over how I will feel when she is no longer

around. I am in therapy and just now learning how to set boundaries.

December 8, 2008

lorliz51,

i feel a lot of hope after reading what you wrote. it may have taken a while,

but you have gotten the " aha " moment. you are very insightful. what you said

helps shed light on my situation and I'm sure many others'. ...and you have

found a place where your experiences can be validated. what a relief, huh?

Subject: Re: My " fleas "

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, December 7, 2008, 10:58 PM

I know what you mean about " knots in your stomach " and tightening

muscles prior to visiting your nada. I experienced and still experience those

symptons anytime I have any contact with my nada. I realize now after learning

about BPD that I wasn't just a " nervous wreck " , an " emotional

mess " or whatever I felt I was or other people thought I was. These were

signals from my brain to my body alerting me of a potentially threatening

situation.. I always felt maybe I projected too much, expected the worst and

therefore, it happened. Maybe I subconsciously was this evil person who knew

exactly what to do and say to set nada off. I always felt I caused it and if I

didn't feel I caused it then my nada would certainly let me know it's

because of you. I have wasted so many years of my life trying to understand,

trying to please, trying to be that daughter my nada wanted. I also would

think maybe we will have a nice visit, a nice time together and

there were many times we did enjoy each other's company. That was what

confused me my whole life. But, then there were those times when all seemed to

be going well , something would trigger her , the rage began and I could not

understand what I did. I also left in tears so many times swearing I would

never visit again, never let her get me to that point, but, something in me

would forget the " bad " , and go right back for more. I remember being

in a therapy group many years ago and I would talk about these long phone

conversations I had with my mother and how horrible I would feel during and

after the conversation. It had gotten to the point that as soon as the phone

rang and I heard her voice I would take a valium. The therapist running the

group commented that you pay for these long distance phone calls for hours to

get abused, what's the pay off to you? I didn't have an answer. My

boyfriend would also comment that I allow this to happen, I don't

speak up for myself, I'm crazy to speak to her and how he wouldn't

take that abuse from anyone. Mind you he really knows so little as I have kept

most of it to myself my whole life. When I was in my 20's I would visit my

parents and an older woman commented that it seemed everytime I visited it would

take me a week to get back to being myself. She had told me how she began

therapy and for the first 6 months she could only talk about her mother and her

significant other. She said she was the only one who had taken care of her

mother-she would take her to lunch, to the movies, run her errands , listen to

her on the phone for hours and all her mother did was bad mouth her to

everyone. She was always cast out as the " bad " one while her

siblings who did nothing were wonderful. She explained to me her mother was

mentally ill. I listened, but, I didn't think my mother was that bad, my

mother couldn't possibly be mentally ill. She told me after she got

everything out about her mother and boyfriend the therapist said " what

about YOU? " She said she was silent. She didn't know anything about

herself, her feelings, etc.. It was a big revelation for her to discover

herself and to move on with her life. I was in too much denial to even be

able to identify anything she was saying. My mother was the best mother in the

world (that's what she constantly drummed in my head and still does), my

mother sacrificed everything for her children, my mother loved her children too

much, etc.. Now I'm in my late 50's and am finally realizing my mother

has fed me lies my entire life. I also felt bad because my brother left home

and travelled as far away as possible most of his life, my mother and father

didn't get along so it was my duty as a daughter to make her happy, to

please her, to give up my life for the Queen only to get hurt over & over,

to hear horrible things being told about me to other people, and

to be expected to do everything she needed and wanted. I also could cry just

thinking about her not being around and how I wanted it to be different and

something happened to me about 7 1/2 years ago and since I have been numb.

Nothing she could do or say would hurt me. Maybe it was like a minor

breakdown, maybe ptsd i don't know, but, I just turned off. I felt bad

about feeling that way, but, it became my only coping skill. Now that I have

learned about BPD and NPD (about 6 months ago) everything is making sense to

me-my mother, my reactions, everything. I am finding it harder & harder

since the " lightbulb went off " to even talk to or be in her company.

It's like I read about her on this list everyday. I can relate to

something everyone says in their posts. It's been an emotional roller

coaster ride for me-from anger, to sadness, to disgust, to apathy, I could go on

and on. I'm still in the process of trying to process all this

information I have learned and it's really difficult especially when you

have been brainwashed for so many years.

Therapy will help you- a place to vent, to learn and to practice boundaries.

It's like we're little kids learning to walk all over again. Learning

skills that we were never taught and each tiny step forward should feel like a

major achievemnet to us. Reading what other people write helps me to realize

that it isn't hopeless, that others have been there and are able to live

their lives in healthier ways. On the positive side I think our painful

childhoods have made us into more caring and sensitive people. Guilt is what I

lived on for most of my life. Throw it out-it serves no good and will only

destroy you.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, December 5, 2008 9:27:03 PM

Subject: My " fleas "

i have many of the " fleas " that follow being the non-BPD daughter

of a BPD nada.

I keep trying to win her approval and to please her. I have the choice to

pass her house on the way to and from my doctor appointments. I struggle with

avoiding further interaction with someone who regularly hurts me. I find

myself pulling into the drive way and having my muscles tighten and knots begin

in my stomach. I convince myself that " this time " things will be

different. Occasinally, they are and we actually have a good visit. Other

times, I leave in tears and swear that I will not go back for more abuse. My

husband has commented many times that he would not keep going back for more. I

am an only child and feel so obligated to help her. I wrestle with my memories

of a painful childhood and then with guilt over how I will feel when she is no

longer around. I am in therapy and just now learning how to set boundaries.

December 9, 2008

There are no words to describe the relief! Thanks.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, December 8, 2008 7:50:13 PM