Re: Field report: Gave the direct approach a try

[Guest guest]

Good for you!

> Hi everyone

>

> Peoples different responses to the *confused* thread gave me some

> food for thought. I was thinking as to the reasons I wasnt standing

> up directly to nada and npdfather. Interesting. Got me thinking. I

> think the main reason was that I was in some way under their

> control. When I first joined I got some really good advice here

> about figuring out the different ways I was under their control, and

> Ive been working on those ways FOO use to manipulate me.

>

> Last night I got an opportunity to field test standing up to them

> directly. This is after a year of indirect stuff. So I thought -

> ok 'brace myself' give it a go.

>

> It went good and bad. But I was in a small room with both nada and

> npdfather. But I was calm and I didnt experience terror or fear.

>

> So, the whole time I was getting shouted directions at 'Take off your

> coat, dont put the cup there, get a tray, cant you do anything right)

> and for every shouted direction they gave I stood up to them. I

> said 'dont tell me what to do' - saying it lightly, with a smile (as

> you do so as not to offend the n and bl). I said - 'heh, Im 36 I know

> how to hold a coffee cup' again lightly - showing im not taking

> offense. This ENRAGED them. They were visably distressed at how I

> was not obeying them.

>

> So then my npdfather starts. 'What are you doing tomorrow' - its not

> a light converstaion question - it means YOU ARE GOING TO DO WHAT I

> TELL YOU. Normally - or before I used to be so stupid. I thought he

> loved me. So Id tell him the truth. This time I said 'Why?' OH MY

> GOD HE WAS ABOUT TO BOIL OVER. He said 'Cause you HAVE to drive me

> to the garage to pick up YOUR car.' (this is a car he got repaired

> for me - even though I dont want it or need it and told him not to).

>

> So I said (and this is a first for me to call him on stuff and stand

> up to him directly), I said 'oh why dont I walk down and collect it

> and then just park it at my place?' now he starts screming 'NO YOU

> WONT DO THAT, YOU'RE DRIVING ME' and then a full rage attack starts

> and I said (round of applause everyone pleasssee - big deal for

> me) 'Im not being screamed at' and I leave the room, leave the house

> and go.

>

> I think it doesnt affect me - but Im crying. Im so fucking sad that

> I now know what he's like and how he operates.

>

> I was driving home and it struck me - 'hes going to ring my npdsister

> and make like IVE ABUSED HIM', so I rang her and disco - yes he'd

> rung her and what I got from her was 'what did you do to daddy and

> mammy they're really upset'. I held my own with her and told her I

> was just ringing 'to warn her that he was screaming and yelling and

> not to call over with her son'.

>

> Now normally this type of this is my biggest trigger - and it would

> have floored me - the going behind my back and lying. But after a

> YEAR of standing up to them, figuring them out and trying to get him

> to stop stalking and abusing - I wasnt completely devestated. I was

> really upset but not devestated.

>

> Then, I get a text later from npdsister - saying not to worry he was

> just upset (this is huge progress - usually this would all have been

> dumped on me and I was the bad guy - they work like a team).

>

> Today - I decided to call them, npdfather answered the phone like

> nothing had happened, I said I was calling up to say a quick 'hi'.

> Stayed for dinner - not a squeak out of them. Hellllllooooooooo? I

> told my Dad tomorrow at 11am would suit if he wanted a lift.

>

> So thats my field report - sooooooooo good to get different

> presepctives - although last night I was so upset I thought 'oh I

> shouldnt have done that Im dead meat'. Today I could see it paid off

> dividends. Theyre not going to change, but I am.

>

> Yippee

> Grace

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yipppeee!!!

I love that....they aren't going to change, but you are.

And you are, and you have, and you will keep going.

>

> Hi everyone

>

> Peoples different responses to the *confused* thread gave me some

> food for thought. I was thinking as to the reasons I wasnt standing

> up directly to nada and npdfather. Interesting. Got me thinking.

I

> think the main reason was that I was in some way under their

> control. When I first joined I got some really good advice here

> about figuring out the different ways I was under their control,

and

> Ive been working on those ways FOO use to manipulate me.

>

> Last night I got an opportunity to field test standing up to them

> directly. This is after a year of indirect stuff. So I thought -

> ok 'brace myself' give it a go.

>

> It went good and bad. But I was in a small room with both nada and

> npdfather. But I was calm and I didnt experience terror or fear.

>

> So, the whole time I was getting shouted directions at 'Take off

your

> coat, dont put the cup there, get a tray, cant you do anything

right)

> and for every shouted direction they gave I stood up to them. I

> said 'dont tell me what to do' - saying it lightly, with a smile

(as

> you do so as not to offend the n and bl). I said - 'heh, Im 36 I

know

> how to hold a coffee cup' again lightly - showing im not taking

> offense. This ENRAGED them. They were visably distressed at how I

> was not obeying them.

>

> So then my npdfather starts. 'What are you doing tomorrow' - its not

> a light converstaion question - it means YOU ARE GOING TO DO WHAT I

> TELL YOU. Normally - or before I used to be so stupid. I thought he

> loved me. So Id tell him the truth. This time I said 'Why?' OH MY

> GOD HE WAS ABOUT TO BOIL OVER. He said 'Cause you HAVE to drive me

> to the garage to pick up YOUR car.' (this is a car he got repaired

> for me - even though I dont want it or need it and told him not to).

>

> So I said (and this is a first for me to call him on stuff and stand

> up to him directly), I said 'oh why dont I walk down and collect it

> and then just park it at my place?' now he starts screming 'NO YOU

> WONT DO THAT, YOU'RE DRIVING ME' and then a full rage attack starts

> and I said (round of applause everyone pleasssee - big deal for

> me) 'Im not being screamed at' and I leave the room, leave the house

> and go.

>

> I think it doesnt affect me - but Im crying. Im so fucking sad that

> I now know what he's like and how he operates.

>

> I was driving home and it struck me - 'hes going to ring my

npdsister

> and make like IVE ABUSED HIM', so I rang her and disco - yes he'd

> rung her and what I got from her was 'what did you do to daddy and

> mammy they're really upset'. I held my own with her and told her I

> was just ringing 'to warn her that he was screaming and yelling and

> not to call over with her son'.

>

> Now normally this type of this is my biggest trigger - and it would

> have floored me - the going behind my back and lying. But after a

> YEAR of standing up to them, figuring them out and trying to get him

> to stop stalking and abusing - I wasnt completely devestated. I was

> really upset but not devestated.

>

> Then, I get a text later from npdsister - saying not to worry he

was

> just upset (this is huge progress - usually this would all have

been

> dumped on me and I was the bad guy - they work like a team).

>

> Today - I decided to call them, npdfather answered the phone like

> nothing had happened, I said I was calling up to say a quick 'hi'.

> Stayed for dinner - not a squeak out of them. Hellllllooooooooo?

I

> told my Dad tomorrow at 11am would suit if he wanted a lift.

>

> So thats my field report - sooooooooo good to get different

> presepctives - although last night I was so upset I thought 'oh I

> shouldnt have done that Im dead meat'. Today I could see it paid

off

> dividends. Theyre not going to change, but I am.

>

> Yippee

> Grace

>

[Guest guest]

What a great job handeling the situation! You were able to be in control of the

situation! How liberating it must have felt for you!

I know when I was able to stand back from the situations with my nada and see

and understand the tactics (like you clearly did here) I was able to handle it

much better emotionally. It became more like a military battle. I could

consider situations in my head and then arm myself with what to say or do when

they happened. I could suddenly see them as weapons and tools. And being able to

get in control of the situation takes away the helpless feeling.

julie in maine

[Guest guest]

Hi Grace,

it's those " baby steps " that count.  The hardest thing is " accepting they are

NOT going to change " and You are the ONLY one who can change.  Sometimes those

little changes you make can actually make them change a little in how they

respond to the " new " you.  They will soon learn that what they do or say is no

longer going to work with you so they might take a different approach.  And they

might not, but, you stick to doing those little things.  It hurts at first and I

know what you meant about feeling like you're going to be dead meat and then it

all worked out.  YOU told your dad when YOU would pick him up, not the other way

around where he just assumes you will do what he wants when he wants it.  You

should feel really proud of yourself.  The tears you shed were reactions to

doing something that probably went against your grain and you were frightened of

the consequences of you standing up for yourself.  You might even get a little

respect

from them too.  Congratulations to you. Another pat on the back!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, December 9, 2008 10:39:24 PM

Subject: Re: Field report: Gave the direct approach a try

Yipppeee!!!

I love that....they aren't going to change, but you are.

And you are, and you have, and you will keep going.

>

> Hi everyone

>

> Peoples different responses to the *confused* thread gave me some

> food for thought. I was thinking as to the reasons I wasnt standing

> up directly to nada and npdfather. Interesting. Got me thinking.

I

> think the main reason was that I was in some way under their

> control. When I first joined I got some really good advice here

> about figuring out the different ways I was under their control,

and

> Ive been working on those ways FOO use to manipulate me.

>

> Last night I got an opportunity to field test standing up to them

> directly. This is after a year of indirect stuff. So I thought -

> ok 'brace myself' give it a go.

>

> It went good and bad. But I was in a small room with both nada and

> npdfather. But I was calm and I didnt experience terror or fear.

>

> So, the whole time I was getting shouted directions at 'Take off

your

> coat, dont put the cup there, get a tray, cant you do anything

right)

> and for every shouted direction they gave I stood up to them. I

> said 'dont tell me what to do' - saying it lightly, with a smile

(as

> you do so as not to offend the n and bl). I said - 'heh, Im 36 I

know

> how to hold a coffee cup' again lightly - showing im not taking

> offense. This ENRAGED them. They were visably distressed at how I

> was not obeying them.

>

> So then my npdfather starts. 'What are you doing tomorrow' - its not

> a light converstaion question - it means YOU ARE GOING TO DO WHAT I

> TELL YOU. Normally - or before I used to be so stupid. I thought he

> loved me. So Id tell him the truth. This time I said 'Why?' OH MY

> GOD HE WAS ABOUT TO BOIL OVER. He said 'Cause you HAVE to drive me

> to the garage to pick up YOUR car.' (this is a car he got repaired

> for me - even though I dont want it or need it and told him not to).

>

> So I said (and this is a first for me to call him on stuff and stand

> up to him directly), I said 'oh why dont I walk down and collect it

> and then just park it at my place?' now he starts screming 'NO YOU

> WONT DO THAT, YOU'RE DRIVING ME' and then a full rage attack starts

> and I said (round of applause everyone pleasssee - big deal for

> me) 'Im not being screamed at' and I leave the room, leave the house

> and go.

>

> I think it doesnt affect me - but Im crying. Im so fucking sad that

> I now know what he's like and how he operates.

>

> I was driving home and it struck me - 'hes going to ring my

npdsister

> and make like IVE ABUSED HIM', so I rang her and disco - yes he'd

> rung her and what I got from her was 'what did you do to daddy and

> mammy they're really upset'. I held my own with her and told her I

> was just ringing 'to warn her that he was screaming and yelling and

> not to call over with her son'.

>

> Now normally this type of this is my biggest trigger - and it would

> have floored me - the going behind my back and lying. But after a

> YEAR of standing up to them, figuring them out and trying to get him

> to stop stalking and abusing - I wasnt completely devestated. I was

> really upset but not devestated.

>

> Then, I get a text later from npdsister - saying not to worry he

was

> just upset (this is huge progress - usually this would all have

been

> dumped on me and I was the bad guy - they work like a team).

>

> Today - I decided to call them, npdfather answered the phone like

> nothing had happened, I said I was calling up to say a quick 'hi'.

> Stayed for dinner - not a squeak out of them. Hellllllooooooooo?

I

> told my Dad tomorrow at 11am would suit if he wanted a lift.

>

> So thats my field report - sooooooooo good to get different

> presepctives - although last night I was so upset I thought 'oh I

> shouldnt have done that Im dead meat'. Today I could see it paid

off

> dividends. Theyre not going to change, but I am.

>

> Yippee

> Grace

>