Re: Birthday Wishes from Oz

[Guest guest]

That's a tough one. Do you feel like you need to see her before she

goes? Do you feel like you will have regrets if you don't see her?

My first inclination from reading this was No, don't see her, it

undoes all that you have done by going NC and just reinforces to her

that she can manipulate you into doing what she wants. But that is

just me and at the end of the day you need to do what is best for you

emotionally and only you know what that is. If you think that you

might need to see her then you should. But you definitely should not

if you are just doing it to appease her since she is leaving. In my

opinion, BPDs always find a way to worm their way back in if given an

opportunity....

>

> Although I have been basically NC with Nada since last Christmas, I

> did take her call on my birthday on Saturday...I knew it was her

> because of the Cruella D'Evil ring tone. She had already spoken to

> my daughter as she had called while I was in the shower and my

> daughter answered my cell phone. In addition to wishing me " happy

> birthday " they wanted to offer up some of their belongings again (of

> course I refused all offers). They are moving in January to another

> state having sold their condo here. They are about to descend upon

> my brother...who is currently separated from his likely BPD wife.

> They want to see " us, " me, my husband, and the kids before the move.

> I put off committing to a " date " but said I would get back with

> them. My husband would be willing to tolerate a visit (I had

> suggested to him maybe a restaurant thing which will naturally keep

> the visit short.). I'm not sure I want to do it. The phone

> conversation wasn't all that difficult...when you haven't spoken with

> someone in months, it's pretty easy to make a superficial

> conversation. Plus with all that is going on with my brother, that

> is also fodder for conversation because although Nada speaks with

> him, she doesn't ask for details...so talking to me gives her more

> information than she would otherwise receive.

>

> I can't help but feeling I would be walking into a mine field of

> sorts if I did agree to a visit. It would absolutely have to be on

> neutral territory. Not sure what I'm going to do.

>

> Any thoughts?

> JJFan

>

[Guest guest]

I think it's fine, if you WANT to see her. If you don't want to,

there's no reason you should have to. Meeting on neutral ground is a

good idea.

If you don't want to discuss your brother with her (or anything else

for that matter), just say so. " I'm really not comfortable

discussing that with you. " Then change the subject.

Happy birthday!

kt

> >

> > Although I have been basically NC with Nada since last Christmas,

I

> > did take her call on my birthday on Saturday...I knew it was her

> > because of the Cruella D'Evil ring tone. She had already spoken

to

> > my daughter as she had called while I was in the shower and my

> > daughter answered my cell phone. In addition to wishing

me " happy

> > birthday " they wanted to offer up some of their belongings again

(of

> > course I refused all offers). They are moving in January to

another

> > state having sold their condo here. They are about to descend

upon

> > my brother...who is currently separated from his likely BPD

wife.

> > They want to see " us, " me, my husband, and the kids before the

move.

> > I put off committing to a " date " but said I would get back with

> > them. My husband would be willing to tolerate a visit (I had

> > suggested to him maybe a restaurant thing which will naturally

keep

> > the visit short.). I'm not sure I want to do it. The phone

> > conversation wasn't all that difficult...when you haven't spoken

with

> > someone in months, it's pretty easy to make a superficial

> > conversation. Plus with all that is going on with my brother,

that

> > is also fodder for conversation because although Nada speaks with

> > him, she doesn't ask for details...so talking to me gives her

more

> > information than she would otherwise receive.

> >

> > I can't help but feeling I would be walking into a mine field of

> > sorts if I did agree to a visit. It would absolutely have to be

on

> > neutral territory. Not sure what I'm going to do.

> >

> > Any thoughts?

> > JJFan

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

> That's a tough one. Do you feel like you need to see her before she

> goes? Do you feel like you will have regrets if you don't see

her?

> My first inclination from reading this was No, don't see her, it

> undoes all that you have done by going NC and just reinforces to her

> that she can manipulate you into doing what she wants. But that is

> just me and at the end of the day you need to do what is best for

you

> emotionally and only you know what that is. If you think that you

> might need to see her then you should. But you definitely should

not

> if you are just doing it to appease her since she is leaving. In my

> opinion, BPDs always find a way to worm their way back in if given

an

> opportunity....

>

The more I think about it, the less I want to meet with my parents.

At the end of the day, I don't want to ask my husband to sit with two

people who have never welcomed him into the family...which is putting

it mildly. Nada spent time muttering under her breath that she

wished she were dead at the time of my marriage. Further, she spread

lies about my husband and me to my extended family. She excused

everything with being a " concerned " parent after first pretending she

couldn't remember what had happend because " We are not young

anymore. " When I saw her in person over the summer when my brother

was visiting, she tried to corner me into a conversation. She said

something like, " Don't think I'm not sorry. " Well, I know she's

sorry. She's sorry she hasn't seen my daughters. She's sorry she's

hasn't been to my house for birthday's and holidays. She's sorry for

what she misses, but not for what she did. She still feels justified

for doing what she did which means she will do it again given the

opportunity. Why would I set myself up for that? It's just not worth

it. So they are moving away. That doesn't change anything.