Re: Question - how many people here have stood up directly to nadas & howd it go

[Guest guest]

lorliz51So much of this sounds like my mother. I'm so sorry for you, but so

glad not to be alone, if that makes any sense.

We live about 5-6 hours from my nada, but she stalks my son's school

calender online and pressures us to come to her home any time he has a day

off. No matter that I have three children under the age of five, and it's a

long trip. I tell her no, and then she asks if I can just meet her halfway

and get the kids. I tell her no, and then she wants to come pick them up. I

tell her no, and then she starts whining about how the other grandparents

get to see them all the time, and she doesn't, and how she never appreciated

her mother and now grandma is dead (hint, hint). I feel like I have to come

up with complicated justifications for spending Christmas break with my own

son. How sick is that? Then I get long letters and emails listing all the

things in my children's lives she has missed and how someday maybe my

husband will want to live closer to her so that she can be a part of their

lives. The reality is that I do not want to live near her, and it has

nothing to do with my husbamd. And even if we did live closer, I wouldn't

allow her more time with my kids.

It's crazymaking.

On Sun, Dec 14, 2008 at 4:41 PM, lorliz51@... wrote:

> Hi,

> Interesting question and I'm looking forward to reading other's

> experiences. For me I was never aware of my own needs and really felt I was

> not allowed to have any needs. I also guess that for most of my life I was

> afraide to speak up and express a " need " as I never felt my needs were as

> important as my nada's and my brother's needs. In recent years when I did

> try to express a need to my nada who lives 20 minutes from me (nada lived 2

> hours away up until the past 7 1/2 years) it is always met with mocking,

> sarcasm or total disregard like I never said anything. An example is I am

> off from work on Sundays & Mondays. I finally got it through to my nada

> that Sundays I am usually tired and I need that day. The only reason that

> she got that and respected that was because she was already planning Monday,

> my other day off. The first year that nada lived closer to me I spent every

> Monday with her. I started resenting that it was just expected and

> found my life was work, one day off to catch up on chores, laundrey, etc.

> and the other day was entertaining nada. When I try to say I need another

> day for myself her response is " you always say that " or she repeats what I

> say in a mocking way . She will then go on and on about every other woman

> who works and have wonderful careers (according to Nada my job isn't a real

> job), take care of their children (I don't have any) and manage to do a

> million things and spend time with their mothers, but, I can't do anything.

> It had gotten to the point where I began having upset stomachs, migraine

> headaches every Sunday knowing I have to go through her calls about what we

> can do together on Monday. I admit I have used " illnesses " rather than be

> direct and then she would ask " are you going to work on

> Tuesday? " I have actually stayed home on Tuesdays quite a few times I think

> to justify the fact that I am really sick-see Mom, I didn't go to work on

> Tuesday. I started realizing how crazy my behavior was getting just to have

> my days off to myself. Today it started about tomorow already. If I have

> laundrey to do her response is " why can't my partner do the laundrey? " If I

> say I have something work related to do her response is " you're ridiculous

> doing that for that job where you don't make any money, they could care less

> about you and how she could understand if I had a good job, but, not for

> what you do), if I say I want to write Christmas cards she will say again

> " why can't my partner write the cards-she knows plenty of men who do that).

> If I say I want to clean out my closet and take care of some things for

> myself her response is " that's all you ever do and it certainly never looks

> like you do anything for yourself-your hair, your clothes, your

> nails are always a mess " . I finally said I'm not spending every Monday

> with you and then it's the " I don't know how long I'll be around and you'll

> feel bad when you couldn't spend time with me when I was alive " . The only

> thing that has gotten better for me is I don't buy into the guilt like I

> used to and I realize that even if I spent every Sunday & Monday with her it

> would never be enough. Nothing is ever enough.

>

> As for setting limits that has never gone over too well. Whenever I try I

> get the " oh, really? Well I should have done that to you and your friends

> (she goes back 40 years all of the time! LOL) and she will bring up every

> case scenario where she should have set limits with me and then she starts

> on my father, and anyone else who she has felt has done her wrong her entire

> life. Another response I get everytime I make a small attempt at setting a

> limit I get it thrown back " would you say that to so and so " (anyone who I

> have a relationship or friendship with) and the limit or need I expressed

> will be thrown back at me from now until eternity.

>

> I remember one time about 12 years ago, right after my cousin's father had

> died (my cousin helped me when my father died) I had gone to my mother's and

> stated very firmly that I was there for my cousin, not her. It didn't mean

> I wouldn't stay at her house or spend time with her, but, I wanted to be

> there for my cousin like she had been for me if she needed me. To this day

> i still have that thrown in my face. At the time my cousin spent time with

> her own family & friends so I really wasn't needed and my nada loves to

> remind me of that. That was probably the first time I really stated

> something firmly right in the beginning so the purpose of my visit would not

> be misunderstood and quite frankly, I wish I hadn't as I have heard it so

> many times in the past 12 years.

>

> With my nada, I find trying to express my needs or attempting to set

> limits/boundaries is alot of work and the repercussions will haunt me the

> rest of my life as she will always throw it back in my face. I have

> expereinced the same with my brother and hoping his reactions are fleas and

> not bpd. I will not give up and I try to stand firm in what I say as

> otherwise i will be walked all over as I have always been by my mother and

> brother.

>

> It's funny to me as therapists have told me over the years about setting

> boundaries and limits and I would just roll my eyes and say you just don't

> understand....and they never did.

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 3:35:30 PM

> Subject: Question - how many people here have stood up

> directly to nadas & howd it go?

>

>

> Hi there

>

> Ive been thinking about the benefits of directly and

> indirectly 'standing up for myself' with nada and family and in life in

> general.

>

> I remember a poster given advice to directly set limits in writing with

> their nada and at the time I thought - 'ouch, couldnt do that, or that

> wouldnt work for me' and my reaction got me thinking about how I handle

> things in my life and with my FOO and nada. And it got me thinking

> about why that was.

>

> I just had a general question for everyone here - how many people

> directly stated their needs and limits to their nadas and how they did

> that and how did it go?

>

> I know people have different situations and some are very dangerous

> etc. - but just throwing out a general question to get some feedback

> about my approaches and some different perspectives.

>

> Thanks!

> Grace

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