Guest guest Posted December 2, 2008 Report Share Posted December 2, 2008 It is up to you as to who you allow in the birthing room. Talk with your doctor and ask him/her if there are any limitations on how many people can be in the delivery room at the time. Then basically tell your nada and extended family that the only people present will be you, the doctor and your boyfriend. Just like that, then make sure the hospital staff knows that, so she doesn't just push her way into the room. Further, when you go into labor, don't call her. Tell her after the fact. Set your boundaries. If she invited herself, it is up to you to tell her that the room will not accomodate her presence. Then stick to the decision. Be strong ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, December 2, 2008 10:23:47 PM Subject: Mom in delivery room I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited herself to be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure I'd rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing me out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me instead of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of times that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says is " I'll respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin with. I don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't deal with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal him to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just blame them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up being about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible person? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2008 Report Share Posted December 2, 2008 You are not a horrible person. Many people decide to have just SO and self in the delivery room. If you need (and/or want) to only have your boyfriend in the room with you, that is all that matters. It sounds like that is what you want, and that is normal, healthy, and very ok. You are ok. Figuring out how to effectively communicate that to your mom might be the most difficult part. It is your right. Actually, I see it as a kind of responsibility, too. If you feel it is healthy for you to have boyfriend and you in the room ONLY, then you owe it to yourself and to your little one to go with what you feel is healthy for you and baby. > > I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited herself to > be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure I'd > rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing me > out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me instead > of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of times > that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says is " I'll > respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't > understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin with. I > don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't deal > with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My > boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal him > to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just blame > them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up being > about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible person? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2008 Report Share Posted December 2, 2008 I have a 'funny' to share regarding this very topic... it will add perspective. When I had my son my mother INSISTED on being in the delivery room. My mother decided it was 'too much' for her. She got faint. Dizzy. Sweaty. They ended up bringing in a NURSE for her, a BED for her, a selection of JUICES for her and had HER hooked up to a BP machine... Hello? Who was giving birth? Lynnette > > I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited herself to > be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure I'd > rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing me > out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me instead > of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of times > that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says is " I'll > respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't > understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin with. I > don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't deal > with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My > boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal him > to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just blame > them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up being > about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible person? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 I absolutely wouldn't let anyone near your room that you aren't completely comfortable with during your delivery. The day you give birth is about you. Do you really want to worry about your BPD nada giving out too many details to the entire world or just driving you nuts? I have two children that were both born at home and I am 12 weeks pregnant right now. Birth goes much easier if you are comfortable with your surroundings. My first was born on a Friday evening and we didn't let anyone in the house to see her until Sunday afternoon. That's one of the best decisions I've ever made. Afterall, people don't come visit when you have the flu so I saw no reason for people to rush into my house before I had my act together. Many homebirth families are very private and don't allow visitors for quite some time. Another warning for you-- I feel very strongly that the newborn needs to bond with the mother (can you tell I'm one of those annoying natural mothers?). Be prepared to limit the time that people hold your baby and if you decide to nurse don't listen to any nonsense about how you aren't letting other people help take care of the baby. Just remember this time is about you and your baby. Don't ever feel guilty about making the best choices for the two of you. I think if I had to give birth with my nada in the room, I would just stay pregnant the rest of my life!!! le > > I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited herself to > be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure I'd > rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing me > out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me instead > of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of times > that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says is " I'll > respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't > understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin with. I > don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't deal > with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My > boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal him > to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just blame > them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up being > about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible person? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 I think I know exactly how you feel. No, you're not a horrible person. You need to do whatever it takes to make sure you are as relaxed and peaceful as possible when it comes time to deliver your baby. THAT is your job right now--not trying to keep your mother happy. When I was pregnant with my first child, my mom announced she would be coming down a month before the due date, to " help. " We lived on an island, and I already felt kind of trapped out there. The idea of her being on the same island as me made me all kinds of anxious. I knew she expected to be there when I delivered, just like all the happy families on tv, since that's what she thought we were. I tried saying, no, you stress me out and I don't want you at the hospital, but she does not hear no. She argued and tried to convince me it was the smart thing to do to have her in town in case something went wrong (can you tell she's a Hermit?), and when she promised she wouldn't call or come by at all, I finally conceded that she could come to town. But I was still sick about it. She hadn't listened to me. I knew I was not going to be able to relax and have the natural birth I wanted when she was haunting my mind and my city. This was before I learned to stand up for myself, so I asked my husband to call and uninvite her. He is such an excellent defender of his family and his wife. He called and said we did not want her to come to town until we called to tell her the baby was born. I'm sure she cried and was upset, but she was not going to try to wrest control away from him. She knew he was stronger. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. I was able to relax and focus on delivering my baby. I wasn't distracted by the anxiety of her awful presence. We let my parents visit a week or two later, after we'd had a chance to enjoy each other and settle into our new routine. Also, I made a birth plan that was explicitly clear about who I would allow in the room or to see the baby--my husband, and that's it. I suggest you consider not having your mom in the hospital at all, but that decision is up to you. Most hospitals allow you to opt out of their directory when you register. That way, people (like unwelcome mothers) can't be told if you're there or be allowed to call your room. Whatever you decide, be sure to let your doctor and the hospital staff know (preferably in writing) what your expectations are as far as visitors go. Again, my suggestion is not to even tell her when you're going to hospital. Tell her you want the whole experience to be something special between you and your husband only. And if you want " settling in " time with your baby before she gets to see him(her?), that is perfectly reasonable, too. > > I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited herself to > be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure I'd > rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing me > out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me instead > of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of times > that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says is " I'll > respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't > understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin with. I > don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't deal > with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My > boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal him > to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just blame > them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up being > about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible person? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 No! That is absolutely not horrible, that is so normal and comprehensible. Even if you and your mother had an OK normal relationship, and even if she were not mentally ill, I'd not advise anyone to have your mother with you in the delivery room! My sister gave birth just three days ago to a beautiful baby daughter, and with all the joy about her birth and the relief that both sister and niece are healthy and doing well, thank God, I was completely overwhelmed and stressed out from seeing my mother with the baby hours AFTER the actual birth. So, please, having a mother with you in the delivery room in this state of stress is an absolute nightmare. Doctors or nurses will sure support you. Here it is not even allowed that mothers are there when the husband / partner is there. I would not even tell my mother I'm in labour. My sister did and the result was that I got called out of bed several times in the night... " no news yet? Is she there yet? This can't be normal anymore. Now something has happened. Drama! Drama! Panic! " (while everything went perfectly fine.) I just can't deal with the sight of this small vulnerable infant in my mother's arms -- whereas it should be one of those Hollywood pictures of the ideal family and the happy and proud grandmother...Aaargh! Katrina > > I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited herself to > be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure I'd > rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing me > out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me instead > of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of times > that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says is " I'll > respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't > understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin with. I > don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't deal > with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My > boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal him > to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just blame > them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up being > about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible person? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 My stomach is turning at just the thought of my mother being in the delivery room during the birth of my kids (she wasn't). I basically told her, " You know, I just want it to be my husband and me. " Period. She got all weepy and stuff and I just ended the conversation. When the time came, I told the hospital staff that I didn't want any visitors. Hospitals are extremely protective of their patients, especially in labor and delivery, so if you tell them you don't want visitors I would be shocked if it occurred otherwise. This is not her show, it's yours. Grab the reins. Be strong! > > I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited herself to > be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure I'd > rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing me > out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me instead > of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of times > that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says is " I'll > respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't > understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin with. I > don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't deal > with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My > boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal him > to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just blame > them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up being > about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible person? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 I absolutely agree with the other posters: you totally have the right to have just you and your SO in the delivery room, it is not unusual, and you are not a horrible person for wanting it that way, so don't even think about feeling guilty in any way. Period. Nadas want Control of every situation, and they want to make every event All About NADA! That was a classic story posted earlier, about the nada who required a bed and IV for herself in the delivery room, holy freakin' cow! Mine likes to find out what the mother of the bride will be wearing, and wear something very similar or Better when invited to weddings. Always trying to draw the spotlight to herself. And just like another poster, tends to horrible-ize births with the overwrought " Something Must Be Wrong " drama scenes. Who needs it? So, to me that suggestion that you only have nada show up a week or two *after you arrive back home* sounds wonderful! Congrats on your impending new addition! -Annie > > I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited herself to > be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure I'd > rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing me > out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me instead > of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of times > that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says is " I'll > respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't > understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin with. I > don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't deal > with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My > boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal him > to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just blame > them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up being > about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible person? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Oh geez, my nada did the same thing- glad once again to see I am not the only one. You need to stand up and tell her that being in the room with you is simply not an option. You can welcome her to be in the hospital and see the baby once the doctor is done with everything but the birth is between you and your bf. Don't worry about code words once the birth starts, make it clear now she is not to be in the room and make sure the doctors and staff know it when you arrive. My nada tried to pull the same thing " but I want to be there to help my baby, you need a woman who's been through it, you need your mother " and all that crap. I told her this is between my husband and I and I did not need anyone else watching the show. She still tried to get in a few cracks- telling me she was worried I would die!- but I won in the end and I'm so glad I didn't have to worry about it while I was in labor. She did try to barge in at the end when the doctor was stitching me and another was suctioning my son but luckily the hospital staff knew she wasn't allowed and blocked her out. You're not a horrible person- this day is about you and your new family, not her feelings. > > I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited herself to > be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure I'd > rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing me > out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me instead > of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of times > that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says is " I'll > respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't > understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin with. I > don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't deal > with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My > boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal him > to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just blame > them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up being > about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible person? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " mycatsnameiswes " wrote Do yourself and your baby a huge favor; do not tell your Nada when you start Labor. Have the baby without her being there or even knowing you are at the hospital. She does NOT have to be there for the birth. It is NOT her right to be present. Childbirth is not a spectator sport. Being present at a birth is a privilege NOT a right. If you don't want her at your birth then make sure you don't tell anyone else who you think may tell her either. I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse. If you are anxious or stressed your labor may slow down or stop altogether; I saw this happen many times. A slowed or arrested labor means more medical intervention ( IV Pitocin and C-sections). Nadas are a constant source of stress and anxiety, (think of them as stress and anxiety carriers) and no one needs to be infected by them during their birthing time. Sheila > I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited herself to > be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure I'd > rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing me > out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me instead > of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of times > that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says is " I'll > respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't > understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin with. I > don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't deal > with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My > boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal him > to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just blame > them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up being > about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible person? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2008 Report Share Posted December 4, 2008 I agree to keep her out. The delivery is a time for you & your new baby & the daddy to be. Enjoy the joy of life together! I thank you for bringing up the subject. It prompted me to talk to my husband about how he & I would deal with the delivery of any future kids we may have. (we are newley weds & his mom is BPD). We agreed that delivery was for 3 people only! you, your BF or husbans & your new baby! Good luck with the remainder of your preg & your new baby!! Take care of yourself & avoid stress if you can!! Nerak Subject: Re: Mom in delivery room To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, December 4, 2008, 12:22 AM --- In WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com, " mycatsnameiswes " <mycatsnameiswes@ ...> wrote Do yourself and your baby a huge favor; do not tell your Nada when you start Labor. Have the baby without her being there or even knowing you are at the hospital. She does NOT have to be there for the birth. It is NOT her right to be present. Childbirth is not a spectator sport. Being present at a birth is a privilege NOT a right. If you don't want her at your birth then make sure you don't tell anyone else who you think may tell her either. I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse. If you are anxious or stressed your labor may slow down or stop altogether; I saw this happen many times. A slowed or arrested labor means more medical intervention ( IV Pitocin and C-sections). Nadas are a constant source of stress and anxiety, (think of them as stress and anxiety carriers) and no one needs to be infected by them during their birthing time. Sheila > I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited herself to > be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure I'd > rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing me > out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me instead > of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of times > that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says is " I'll > respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't > understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin with. I > don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't deal > with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My > boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal him > to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just blame > them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up being > about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible person? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2008 Report Share Posted December 4, 2008 Oh, I really agree. Keep her out of the delivery room--and preferably even the hospital and immediate area--entirely. When I was pregnant, my mom wanted to come help. I told her no. She was definitely not happy about it (and I felt needlessly guilty). I am SO glad I kept her out, though. Giving birth is hard and stressful work, and becoming a mom is incredibly hard work (though amazing and joyful and beautiful), and I think it's even harder when you've had a mentally ill mother and don't have a good model for what it looks like to be a mom. Giving birth was one of the hardest things I've ever done-- emotionally and physically--and I just cannot imagine having to deal with the psychological stress and fear my nada causes me on top of the enormous emotional, phsyical, and psychological work that go into giving birth and figuring out how to be a good mom. I struggled through awful ppd and post-partum ptsd largely as a result of stuff that came up about my relationship with my mom--becoming a mom myself just brought up so much stuff for me. I am SO glad my mom was not around as I was working through that and in desperate need of nurturing, stable, loving people around me. You and your baby both need a peaceful, nurturing, SAFE environment for the birth and post- partum period. You are a really GOOD person for taking care of yourself and your baby by keeping toxic people away. I thought of it as kind of akin to avoiding alcohol or dangerous meds or lots of junk food when I was pregnant. I absolutely was not going to expose myself or my baby to anything that might be damaging--and a BPD mom/grandma is definitely likely to be damaging. If you're not able to be present and stable as you give birth and become a mom, that will negatively affect not only you, but also your child. For me, being a good mom is largely about setting the boundaries I need to so I can be healthy and happy and love my own child (and myself) in a way my nada was entirely incapable of. That means keeping her away--even when she seems nice. She hates it and thinks it's cruel, but I love my daughter (and sometimes myself) too much to expose her to my nada's craziness and to the craziness it causes in me when I'm around my nada. Best, best, best wishes! > > > Subject: Re: Mom in delivery room > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Thursday, December 4, 2008, 12:22 AM > > > > > > > --- In WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com, " mycatsnameiswes " > <mycatsnameiswes@ ...> wrote > > Do yourself and your baby a huge favor; do not tell your Nada when > you start Labor. Have the baby without her being there or even > knowing you are at the hospital. She does NOT have to be there for > the birth. It is NOT her right to be present. Childbirth is not a > spectator sport. Being present at a birth is a privilege NOT a > right. If you don't want her at your birth then make sure you > don't tell anyone else who you think may tell her either. > I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse. If you are anxious or > stressed your labor may slow down or stop altogether; I saw this > happen many times. A slowed or arrested labor means more medical > intervention ( IV Pitocin and C-sections). > Nadas are a constant source of stress and anxiety, (think of them > as stress and anxiety carriers) and no one needs to be infected by > them during their birthing time. > > Sheila > > > I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited > herself to > > be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure > I'd > > rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing > me > > out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me > instead > > of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of > times > > that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says > is " I'll > > respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't > > understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin > with. I > > don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't > deal > > with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My > > boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal > him > > to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just > blame > > them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up > being > > about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible > person? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2008 Report Share Posted December 4, 2008 You are by no means a horrible person! Do what is best for you. When my daughter was expecting her first child (my first grandchild) we talked and she told me what she was comfortable with as far as having people present. No hard feelings......no arguments. I think this is what you deserve and I am sad that your mother won't respect your wishes. Even if she weren't bpd, you don't have to want her there. My daughter didn't (and to be truthful, I am glad, that felt like a private time for her and BF and I don't think I would have wanted to be in the room even if she had wanted me to.) His mom and I were both at the hospital, but not in the room for the birth. I agree that she will make it about her. I agree with other posters....don't let her know when you go to the hospital. I know that it isn't quite the same, but I had to have a total hip replacement. I made sure that nada did not know the dates of the surgery or which hospital I would be in. The last thing I wanted was for her to be around when I was already in a needy position myself. Your little one is lucky that you are considering what is best for him or her.....it sounds like you are on track to be a good mom! Subject: Re: Mom in delivery room To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, December 4, 2008, 3:44 PM Oh, I really agree. Keep her out of the delivery room--and preferably even the hospital and immediate area--entirely. When I was pregnant, my mom wanted to come help. I told her no. She was definitely not happy about it (and I felt needlessly guilty). I am SO glad I kept her out, though. Giving birth is hard and stressful work, and becoming a mom is incredibly hard work (though amazing and joyful and beautiful), and I think it's even harder when you've had a mentally ill mother and don't have a good model for what it looks like to be a mom. Giving birth was one of the hardest things I've ever done-- emotionally and physically-- and I just cannot imagine having to deal with the psychological stress and fear my nada causes me on top of the enormous emotional, phsyical, and psychological work that go into giving birth and figuring out how to be a good mom. I struggled through awful ppd and post-partum ptsd largely as a result of stuff that came up about my relationship with my mom--becoming a mom myself just brought up so much stuff for me. I am SO glad my mom was not around as I was working through that and in desperate need of nurturing, stable, loving people around me. You and your baby both need a peaceful, nurturing, SAFE environment for the birth and post- partum period. You are a really GOOD person for taking care of yourself and your baby by keeping toxic people away. I thought of it as kind of akin to avoiding alcohol or dangerous meds or lots of junk food when I was pregnant. I absolutely was not going to expose myself or my baby to anything that might be damaging--and a BPD mom/grandma is definitely likely to be damaging. If you're not able to be present and stable as you give birth and become a mom, that will negatively affect not only you, but also your child. For me, being a good mom is largely about setting the boundaries I need to so I can be healthy and happy and love my own child (and myself) in a way my nada was entirely incapable of. That means keeping her away--even when she seems nice. She hates it and thinks it's cruel, but I love my daughter (and sometimes myself) too much to expose her to my nada's craziness and to the craziness it causes in me when I'm around my nada. Best, best, best wishes! > > From: Sheila <spiritwise333@ ...> > Subject: Re: Mom in delivery room > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com > Date: Thursday, December 4, 2008, 12:22 AM > > > > > > > --- In WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com, " mycatsnameiswes " > <mycatsnameiswes@ ...> wrote > > Do yourself and your baby a huge favor; do not tell your Nada when > you start Labor. Have the baby without her being there or even > knowing you are at the hospital. She does NOT have to be there for > the birth. It is NOT her right to be present. Childbirth is not a > spectator sport. Being present at a birth is a privilege NOT a > right. If you don't want her at your birth then make sure you > don't tell anyone else who you think may tell her either. > I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse. If you are anxious or > stressed your labor may slow down or stop altogether; I saw this > happen many times. A slowed or arrested labor means more medical > intervention ( IV Pitocin and C-sections). > Nadas are a constant source of stress and anxiety, (think of them > as stress and anxiety carriers) and no one needs to be infected by > them during their birthing time. > > Sheila > > > I'm 7 months pregnant and my BPD mother pretty much invited > herself to > > be in the room when i deliver my baby. However, I'm pretty sure > I'd > > rather she wasn't, because her very nature has a way of stressing > me > > out. I know she will be in my face, and will try to coach me > instead > > of allowing my boyfriend to. I tried to hint to her a couple of > times > > that I want it just to be my boyfriend and I, but all she says > is " I'll > > respect whatever you want when it happens. " What she doesn't > > understand is that I don't even want her in the room to begin > with. I > > don't want to have to stress over how to kick her out when I can't > deal > > with her anymore while im in such an already stressed state. My > > boyfriend and I have talked about me saying a code word to signal > him > > to arrange for the doctors to ask my mother to leave, and just > blame > > them, but I'm afraid if it comes down to that, it will all end up > being > > about her. Does anyone have any advice for me? Am I a horrible > person? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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