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A painful flashback

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I had a flashback moment today. I have been home and sick with this

flu the past few days,

I was reading a post about the Stockholm Syndrome and how we can

protect and love our abusers. Living with an abusive man in a sense

is like living with a piece of nada.

So today I was remembering my childhood. I remembered when I was

10 years old, my grades in school went down. I was always a ggod

student. That was the year though nada told me everyday about how

she was going to leave my father because he was cheating with other

men. I wasn't even sure what it all meant. I have shared before

about how nada told me way too much about her relationship with my

father especially about their sex life. So yes, my mind in school

was on nada's secrets.

I remember getting my report card and my father beating me with

his belt, because my grades had gone down. I couldn't tell him why-

nada would have destroyed me. So she watched while I got the beating-

never saying a word.

She never got or cared enough to get that my lower grades were

do to her constant sharing of secrets. She did leave my father later

on that year.

When do the flashbacks stop? I am 50 years old and tired.

Thanks for letting me have a place for my voice to be heard.

Malinda

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