Re: Nada's patterns, and one-upsmanship

[Guest guest]

Lol! Yes, it is funny in retrospect, but it sure isn't funny at all

when its actually happening. The last time she screamed and tried to

grab the steering wheel, I thought I was going to have a heart attack!

I've noticed that if there is another person in the car who can

distract nada, keep nada's attention by paying attention to nada, she

is a much happier camper as a passenger. But then, she always behaves

better when other people are around; she saves up her venom to spew at

Sister and me in private.

-Annie

> >

> > I've been thinking about it, and I guess these fall into the

> category

> > of " strategies " for dealing with visits to my nada, both of which

> work

> > pretty well:

> >

> > 1. I Lie

> > I used to only make a couple of trips each year across country to

> > visit my family, and had no success getting to do things I wanted to

> > do on my vacation, on my dime. Nada would have scheduled every

> minute

> > of my time with things she wanted me to do with her. If I'd say " I'd

> > like to go see my friend soandso today " , it would end up ruining not

> > only that day but the rest of the trip because nada would go into

> > either a rage or a sulk-boo-hoo-Silent Treatment.

> > So, I started lying!

> > I'd arrive two or three days earlier than I'd tell her, do what I

> > wanted to do, and then " arrive " at nada's home and give her my total

> > attention for the remaining days. For whatever bpd reason, it was

> me

> > *telling her I wanted to do something on my own* that upset her, she

> > is apparently fine with fewer days as long as I did/do not mention

> > wanting to go do something on my own during " her " days!

> >

> > 2. I Leave

> > I discovered that my nada can only be sweet and pleasant for two or

> > maybe three days of a visit, then she starts in with the nit-

> picking,

> > the criticizing, the insults, the intrusiveness, the pouting, etc.

> > Its as though being pleasant and normal is an acrobatic trick for my

> > nada: she can do a hand-stand and walk on her hands for short

> periods

> > of time, but can't keep it up indefinitely because it is a strain

> and

> > takes concentration and effort.

> > I used to just grit my teeth and stay at her home and endure the

> > inevitable deterioration of our time together, letting her rage at

> me

> > or go into accusatory crying jags, or whatever.

> > Now, when I see the first hints of that coming on, I just... leave!

> > End of Visit! I go stay at a friend's house, or my Sisters, or

> > anywhere else. It was like a revelation, like dawn breaking to

> > realize that I am an Adult and do not have to stand there and take

> her

> > abuse any more!

> >

> > 3. Harsh consequences

> > I have the kind of nada that has a great deal of difficulty, if not

> > total impossibility, of having a rational conversation when she

> > becomes emotional, and I mean even a little emotional. If she is

> > merely irritated: " We're leaving, this line is entirely too long! "

> > when there are only two people ahead of us at the bank, for example.

> > If I point out that " We might as well stay, we're already here and

> > see? Another teller opened her window " that is likely to get me the

> > Glare of Hate, or I have hurt her feelings and get the Silent

> > Treatment. All nada wants is to be Obeyed. She wants instant

> > compliance with her commands, is all. So I've stopped trying to

> > reason with her, basically.

> >

> > Its scary driving her places because she doesn't trust other female

> > drivers, becomes convinced that cars are about to hit us (she

> doesn't

> > see well enough to drive anymore) screams in terror periodically and

> > has even tried to grab the steering wheel on a couple of occasions.

> > Its nerve-wracking.

> >

> > I've had to stop the car and tell her to STOP IT!, that she is going

> > to *cause* me to have an accident with her histrionics, and the next

> > time she screams or flings her hand in front of my face or tries to

> > grab the steering wheel I am putting her out of the car and she can

> > walk home. Talking does not get through to her, but the threat of

> > being left at a gas station to make her own way home penetrates her

> > dysfunctional thought processes. But then of course I have been

> > " horrible " and have hurt her feelings badly and I get the Silent

> > Treatment.

> >

> > That's why I live across the country from nada. I can only take that

> > stuff once or twice a year. The last few months of No Contact have

> > been lovely.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

---

Annie,

I'm sorry to admit that I had to laugh too at the driving stuff. My

nada does the same thing. She grabs the door, bracing herself, and

says " OH! " as if something bad is about to happen, and yells warnings

like " don't hit that man! " . AND, like your nada, it is only with

women drivers. Any male driver and she is at ease. Of course it is

worse with my sister and me. It makes us both a nervous wreck. It

kicks my already heightened startle response into high gear. She

also likes to say that there is something wrong with the car. I love

your other suggestions as well. You should write your own book.

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " anuria67854 " <anuria-

67854@...> wrote:

>

> Lol! Yes, it is funny in retrospect, but it sure isn't funny at all

> when its actually happening. The last time she screamed and tried

to

> grab the steering wheel, I thought I was going to have a heart

attack!

> I've noticed that if there is another person in the car who can

> distract nada, keep nada's attention by paying attention to nada,

she

> is a much happier camper as a passenger. But then, she always

behaves

> better when other people are around; she saves up her venom to spew

at

> Sister and me in private.

> -Annie

>

>

> > >

> > > I've been thinking about it, and I guess these fall into the

> > category

> > > of " strategies " for dealing with visits to my nada, both of

which

> > work

> > > pretty well:

> > >

> > > 1. I Lie

> > > I used to only make a couple of trips each year across country

to

> > > visit my family, and had no success getting to do things I

wanted to

> > > do on my vacation, on my dime. Nada would have scheduled every

> > minute

> > > of my time with things she wanted me to do with her. If I'd

say " I'd

> > > like to go see my friend soandso today " , it would end up

ruining not

> > > only that day but the rest of the trip because nada would go

into

> > > either a rage or a sulk-boo-hoo-Silent Treatment.

> > > So, I started lying!

> > > I'd arrive two or three days earlier than I'd tell her, do what

I

> > > wanted to do, and then " arrive " at nada's home and give her my

total

> > > attention for the remaining days. For whatever bpd reason, it

was

> > me

> > > *telling her I wanted to do something on my own* that upset

her, she

> > > is apparently fine with fewer days as long as I did/do not

mention

> > > wanting to go do something on my own during " her " days!

> > >

> > > 2. I Leave

> > > I discovered that my nada can only be sweet and pleasant for

two or

> > > maybe three days of a visit, then she starts in with the nit-

> > picking,

> > > the criticizing, the insults, the intrusiveness, the pouting,

etc.

> > > Its as though being pleasant and normal is an acrobatic trick

for my

> > > nada: she can do a hand-stand and walk on her hands for short

> > periods

> > > of time, but can't keep it up indefinitely because it is a

strain

> > and

> > > takes concentration and effort.

> > > I used to just grit my teeth and stay at her home and endure the

> > > inevitable deterioration of our time together, letting her rage

at

> > me

> > > or go into accusatory crying jags, or whatever.

> > > Now, when I see the first hints of that coming on, I just...

leave!

> > > End of Visit! I go stay at a friend's house, or my Sisters, or

> > > anywhere else. It was like a revelation, like dawn breaking to

> > > realize that I am an Adult and do not have to stand there and

take

> > her

> > > abuse any more!

> > >

> > > 3. Harsh consequences

> > > I have the kind of nada that has a great deal of difficulty, if

not

> > > total impossibility, of having a rational conversation when she

> > > becomes emotional, and I mean even a little emotional. If she is

> > > merely irritated: " We're leaving, this line is entirely too

long! "

> > > when there are only two people ahead of us at the bank, for

example.

> > > If I point out that " We might as well stay, we're already here

and

> > > see? Another teller opened her window " that is likely to get me

the

> > > Glare of Hate, or I have hurt her feelings and get the Silent

> > > Treatment. All nada wants is to be Obeyed. She wants instant

> > > compliance with her commands, is all. So I've stopped trying to

> > > reason with her, basically.

> > >

> > > Its scary driving her places because she doesn't trust other

female

> > > drivers, becomes convinced that cars are about to hit us (she

> > doesn't

> > > see well enough to drive anymore) screams in terror

periodically and

> > > has even tried to grab the steering wheel on a couple of

occasions.

> > > Its nerve-wracking.

> > >

> > > I've had to stop the car and tell her to STOP IT!, that she is

going

> > > to *cause* me to have an accident with her histrionics, and the

next

> > > time she screams or flings her hand in front of my face or

tries to

> > > grab the steering wheel I am putting her out of the car and she

can

> > > walk home. Talking does not get through to her, but the threat

of

> > > being left at a gas station to make her own way home penetrates

her

> > > dysfunctional thought processes. But then of course I have been

> > > " horrible " and have hurt her feelings badly and I get the Silent

> > > Treatment.

> > >

> > > That's why I live across the country from nada. I can only take

that

> > > stuff once or twice a year. The last few months of No Contact

have

> > > been lovely.

> > >

> > > -Annie

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

SAME PROBLEM with my nada. She does it with my dad too, but there is

some sexism involved. For instance, she told my I couldn't drive my

father's truck (a regular old ford truck, not a semi!)

When it was time for me to get my license, she would not shut up about

how she never wanted to be in the car with me and how scary it was for

her. I actually threw up when a driving instructor made me go on the

freeway. She had me convinced I was too young/stupid/incompetent to

ever learn to drive.

> > > >

> > > > I've been thinking about it, and I guess these fall into the

> > > category

> > > > of " strategies " for dealing with visits to my nada, both of

> which

> > > work

> > > > pretty well:

> > > >

> > > > 1. I Lie

> > > > I used to only make a couple of trips each year across country

> to

> > > > visit my family, and had no success getting to do things I

> wanted to

> > > > do on my vacation, on my dime. Nada would have scheduled every

> > > minute

> > > > of my time with things she wanted me to do with her. If I'd

> say " I'd

> > > > like to go see my friend soandso today " , it would end up

> ruining not

> > > > only that day but the rest of the trip because nada would go

> into

> > > > either a rage or a sulk-boo-hoo-Silent Treatment.

> > > > So, I started lying!

> > > > I'd arrive two or three days earlier than I'd tell her, do what

> I

> > > > wanted to do, and then " arrive " at nada's home and give her my

> total

> > > > attention for the remaining days. For whatever bpd reason, it

> was

> > > me

> > > > *telling her I wanted to do something on my own* that upset

> her, she

> > > > is apparently fine with fewer days as long as I did/do not

> mention

> > > > wanting to go do something on my own during " her " days!

> > > >

> > > > 2. I Leave

> > > > I discovered that my nada can only be sweet and pleasant for

> two or

> > > > maybe three days of a visit, then she starts in with the nit-

> > > picking,

> > > > the criticizing, the insults, the intrusiveness, the pouting,

> etc.

> > > > Its as though being pleasant and normal is an acrobatic trick

> for my

> > > > nada: she can do a hand-stand and walk on her hands for short

> > > periods

> > > > of time, but can't keep it up indefinitely because it is a

> strain

> > > and

> > > > takes concentration and effort.

> > > > I used to just grit my teeth and stay at her home and endure the

> > > > inevitable deterioration of our time together, letting her rage

> at

> > > me

> > > > or go into accusatory crying jags, or whatever.

> > > > Now, when I see the first hints of that coming on, I just...

> leave!

> > > > End of Visit! I go stay at a friend's house, or my Sisters, or

> > > > anywhere else. It was like a revelation, like dawn breaking to

> > > > realize that I am an Adult and do not have to stand there and

> take

> > > her

> > > > abuse any more!

> > > >

> > > > 3. Harsh consequences

> > > > I have the kind of nada that has a great deal of difficulty, if

> not

> > > > total impossibility, of having a rational conversation when she

> > > > becomes emotional, and I mean even a little emotional. If she is

> > > > merely irritated: " We're leaving, this line is entirely too

> long! "

> > > > when there are only two people ahead of us at the bank, for

> example.

> > > > If I point out that " We might as well stay, we're already here

> and

> > > > see? Another teller opened her window " that is likely to get me

> the

> > > > Glare of Hate, or I have hurt her feelings and get the Silent

> > > > Treatment. All nada wants is to be Obeyed. She wants instant

> > > > compliance with her commands, is all. So I've stopped trying to

> > > > reason with her, basically.

> > > >

> > > > Its scary driving her places because she doesn't trust other

> female

> > > > drivers, becomes convinced that cars are about to hit us (she

> > > doesn't

> > > > see well enough to drive anymore) screams in terror

> periodically and

> > > > has even tried to grab the steering wheel on a couple of

> occasions.

> > > > Its nerve-wracking.

> > > >

> > > > I've had to stop the car and tell her to STOP IT!, that she is

> going

> > > > to *cause* me to have an accident with her histrionics, and the

> next

> > > > time she screams or flings her hand in front of my face or

> tries to

> > > > grab the steering wheel I am putting her out of the car and she

> can

> > > > walk home. Talking does not get through to her, but the threat

> of

> > > > being left at a gas station to make her own way home penetrates

> her

> > > > dysfunctional thought processes. But then of course I have been

> > > > " horrible " and have hurt her feelings badly and I get the Silent

> > > > Treatment.

> > > >

> > > > That's why I live across the country from nada. I can only take

> that

> > > > stuff once or twice a year. The last few months of No Contact

> have

> > > > been lovely.

> > > >

> > > > -Annie

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

We are twins! My NM does EXACTLY the same things!

>

> I've been thinking about it, and I guess these fall into the

category

> of " strategies " for dealing with visits to my nada, both of which

work

> pretty well:

>

> 1. I Lie

> I used to only make a couple of trips each year across country to

> visit my family, and had no success getting to do things I wanted to

> do on my vacation, on my dime. Nada would have scheduled every

minute

> of my time with things she wanted me to do with her. If I'd say " I'd

> like to go see my friend soandso today " , it would end up ruining not

> only that day but the rest of the trip because nada would go into

> either a rage or a sulk-boo-hoo-Silent Treatment.

> So, I started lying!

> I'd arrive two or three days earlier than I'd tell her, do what I

> wanted to do, and then " arrive " at nada's home and give her my total

> attention for the remaining days. For whatever bpd reason, it was

me

> *telling her I wanted to do something on my own* that upset her, she

> is apparently fine with fewer days as long as I did/do not mention

> wanting to go do something on my own during " her " days!

>

> 2. I Leave

> I discovered that my nada can only be sweet and pleasant for two or

> maybe three days of a visit, then she starts in with the nit-

picking,

> the criticizing, the insults, the intrusiveness, the pouting, etc.

> Its as though being pleasant and normal is an acrobatic trick for my

> nada: she can do a hand-stand and walk on her hands for short

periods

> of time, but can't keep it up indefinitely because it is a strain

and

> takes concentration and effort.

> I used to just grit my teeth and stay at her home and endure the

> inevitable deterioration of our time together, letting her rage at

me

> or go into accusatory crying jags, or whatever.

> Now, when I see the first hints of that coming on, I just... leave!

> End of Visit! I go stay at a friend's house, or my Sisters, or

> anywhere else. It was like a revelation, like dawn breaking to

> realize that I am an Adult and do not have to stand there and take

her

> abuse any more!

>

> 3. Harsh consequences

> I have the kind of nada that has a great deal of difficulty, if not

> total impossibility, of having a rational conversation when she

> becomes emotional, and I mean even a little emotional. If she is

> merely irritated: " We're leaving, this line is entirely too long! "

> when there are only two people ahead of us at the bank, for example.

> If I point out that " We might as well stay, we're already here and

> see? Another teller opened her window " that is likely to get me the

> Glare of Hate, or I have hurt her feelings and get the Silent

> Treatment. All nada wants is to be Obeyed. She wants instant

> compliance with her commands, is all. So I've stopped trying to

> reason with her, basically.

>

> Its scary driving her places because she doesn't trust other female

> drivers, becomes convinced that cars are about to hit us (she

doesn't

> see well enough to drive anymore) screams in terror periodically and

> has even tried to grab the steering wheel on a couple of occasions.

> Its nerve-wracking.

>

> I've had to stop the car and tell her to STOP IT!, that she is going

> to *cause* me to have an accident with her histrionics, and the next

> time she screams or flings her hand in front of my face or tries to

> grab the steering wheel I am putting her out of the car and she can

> walk home. Talking does not get through to her, but the threat of

> being left at a gas station to make her own way home penetrates her

> dysfunctional thought processes. But then of course I have been

> " horrible " and have hurt her feelings badly and I get the Silent

> Treatment.

>

> That's why I live across the country from nada. I can only take that

> stuff once or twice a year. The last few months of No Contact have

> been lovely.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

My mother in law is the BPD in my family. My husband has wanted to move away

since I met him. We stay near her because my family lives here too. & I like

being around my family.

 

I totally get your need to move away!!

 

I wish my BPD MIL would move far from me!!!

 

Maybe thats something I should ask 'Santa' for!!!

HAHA

 

Good for you for taking control of your life!!

Nerak

Subject: Nada's patterns, and one-upsmanship

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, December 3, 2008, 5:10 PM

I've been thinking about it, and I guess these fall into the category

of " strategies " for dealing with visits to my nada, both of which work

pretty well:

1. I Lie

I used to only make a couple of trips each year across country to

visit my family, and had no success getting to do things I wanted to

do on my vacation, on my dime. Nada would have scheduled every minute

of my time with things she wanted me to do with her. If I'd say " I'd

like to go see my friend soandso today " , it would end up ruining not

only that day but the rest of the trip because nada would go into

either a rage or a sulk-boo-hoo- Silent Treatment.

So, I started lying!

I'd arrive two or three days earlier than I'd tell her, do what I

wanted to do, and then " arrive " at nada's home and give her my total

attention for the remaining days. For whatever bpd reason, it was me

*telling her I wanted to do something on my own* that upset her, she

is apparently fine with fewer days as long as I did/do not mention

wanting to go do something on my own during " her " days!

2. I Leave

I discovered that my nada can only be sweet and pleasant for two or

maybe three days of a visit, then she starts in with the nit-picking,

the criticizing, the insults, the intrusiveness, the pouting, etc.

Its as though being pleasant and normal is an acrobatic trick for my

nada: she can do a hand-stand and walk on her hands for short periods

of time, but can't keep it up indefinitely because it is a strain and

takes concentration and effort.

I used to just grit my teeth and stay at her home and endure the

inevitable deterioration of our time together, letting her rage at me

or go into accusatory crying jags, or whatever.

Now, when I see the first hints of that coming on, I just... leave!

End of Visit! I go stay at a friend's house, or my Sisters, or

anywhere else. It was like a revelation, like dawn breaking to

realize that I am an Adult and do not have to stand there and take her

abuse any more!

3. Harsh consequences

I have the kind of nada that has a great deal of difficulty, if not

total impossibility, of having a rational conversation when she

becomes emotional, and I mean even a little emotional. If she is

merely irritated: " We're leaving, this line is entirely too long! "

when there are only two people ahead of us at the bank, for example.

If I point out that " We might as well stay, we're already here and

see? Another teller opened her window " that is likely to get me the

Glare of Hate, or I have hurt her feelings and get the Silent

Treatment. All nada wants is to be Obeyed. She wants instant

compliance with her commands, is all. So I've stopped trying to

reason with her, basically.

Its scary driving her places because she doesn't trust other female

drivers, becomes convinced that cars are about to hit us (she doesn't

see well enough to drive anymore) screams in terror periodically and

has even tried to grab the steering wheel on a couple of occasions.

Its nerve-wracking.

I've had to stop the car and tell her to STOP IT!, that she is going

to *cause* me to have an accident with her histrionics, and the next

time she screams or flings her hand in front of my face or tries to

grab the steering wheel I am putting her out of the car and she can

walk home. Talking does not get through to her, but the threat of

being left at a gas station to make her own way home penetrates her

dysfunctional thought processes. But then of course I have been

" horrible " and have hurt her feelings badly and I get the Silent

Treatment.

That's why I live across the country from nada. I can only take that

stuff once or twice a year. The last few months of No Contact have

been lovely.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

My dad says my mother can drive better than he can from any seat in the

car.

At least he has a sense of humor.