Feeling it out

[Guest guest]

I haven't posted on here in a long time, and I've lost touch with the

group. I think that was a mistake. This is a support group, and I need

support, and it's time for me to come back into the fold. Because I'm

a KO, and I need help.

This is so painful. It’s exhausting. I feel like I just keep feeling

the same thing over and over and it’s just rage and frustration and so

much FEAR - fear that I’ll never be able to let this go, fear that I’m

just going to be stuck in this angry place forever, fear that I’ll

never be able to move on and truly be free.

And somewhere in all of this (I’m 27 years old) I feel all of this

enormous love for my future children: I feel like saying to them, “You

are why I’m doing this! I dedicate all this work, all this therapy and

all this time spent processing, to you. Even though it’s INCREDIBLY

DIFFICULT, and painful and sad and horrible and somehow unfair or

something, I am doing this for you. Because I love you, and I know

that the best thing I could possible do for you, the way I could love

you the most in the world, the biggest hugest most important

life-changing beautiful truly IMPORTANT offering I could give you, is

dealing with my shit. Me going through this, me with my wracking sobs

and my despair that I’ll never be able to let it go, me blaming myself

for not being the Dalai Lama and already in a state of compassionate

detachment, me with all of these feelings and all of these tears and

all of this crying and all of this feeling it out, with all of this -

this it the greatest possible gift I could give you, and you are why I

choose to do it. " Oh, I do it for myself too, to let go of all this

heavy CRAP that I’m carrying around with me, including my humiliation

and shame about hating getting yelled at - I HATE getting yelled at, I

HATE getting criticized, I HATE getting shut down, even if it's all in

my head, and all of this sheer unadulterated pure shimmering snakeline

gut-wrenching TERROR that I will become her, all of this crap about

hating myself for being judgmental and impatient and opinionated like

her, all of these awful empty feelings - I do it for myself too, to

let go of all that - but mostly, I do it for you. I do it for my

future partner, and for my future children. I do it for the future

generations and a future me that I can’t see right now, but one I

choose to love anyway, although I think in reality it is that me that

is loving the current me, because I am so upset and sad and afraid and

caught up in all this right now and have no perspective.

I’m really going in there and feeling it, feeling all of my rage and

pain and frustration and hatred, and it’s incredibly uncomfortable.

I'm brave and uncomfortable and I just hate it. I’m not sure I’ve ever

felt anything as uncomfortable as this, and right now I’m just

existing on faith … I’m just existing on the faith that I will get

through this, that I WILL be able to let go of this crap, and that I

will be lighter and happier and more free on the other side. Oh God,

please someone tell me that it does work, that I’m not doing this in

vain … please tell me that on the other side of these wracking sobs

and memories and hatred and pain, that there is freedom, there is

release, there is relief. Please tell me that I’m not investing in

nothing, that I’m not going through this for nothing, and that it

doesn’t last forever. Please tell me that this is a stage I’m going

through and that it will end. Because it’s only been 2 days of these

awful, horrible meditation sessions and it just feels endless. I can’t

stop crying.

[Guest guest]

There is life after BPD. You will get there.

You are where I was about a year ago and I want you to recognize that you have

turned a huge corner. The ability to let these feelings out and the courage to

face them is a significant milestone in your healing. You are stepping outside

the conditioning and that is a scary thing to do.

Take a deep breath and let it out very slowly. You are growing and you must not

stop because the next few steps you will take towards getting better and

becoming disentangled from the BS of BPD will be scary because you will be

dealing with your feelings.

Keep your kids upper most in your mind and mark this day on a calander, it is

that significant.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, get a personal journal or start

one on your computer. You need a record of exactly what you are feeling and what

triggers it. I suggest this because you need to re-learn what

appropriate responses are towards inappropriate behavior.

When nada yells at you, you need to get angry. You are a grown woman and she has

no entitlement to scream at you as if you were a child.

When you feel sad, why do you feel sad? What triggered it? What do you mourn the

loss of?

There is so much that this board can help you with, but it is limited. The real

work you need to do is internal. For that you need to track what is going on and

study it.

Pick up a spiral notebook. It does not need to be fancy. Start writing and don't

stop until you are done. It doesn't matter what you write, how hateful it might

seem, how rambling, how scary. You need to get it out of you and into a safe

place and that is the journal..

Please hang in there. Don't go back.

Be Strong

We will listen

Take care of you

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, December 3, 2008 2:11:53 PM

Subject: Feeling it out

I haven't posted on here in a long time, and I've lost touch with the

group. I think that was a mistake. This is a support group, and I need

support, and it's time for me to come back into the fold. Because I'm

a KO, and I need help.

This is so painful. It’s exhausting. I feel like I just keep feeling

the same thing over and over and it’s just rage and frustration and so

much FEAR - fear that I’ll never be able to let this go, fear that I’m

just going to be stuck in this angry place forever, fear that I’ll

never be able to move on and truly be free.

And somewhere in all of this (I’m 27 years old) I feel all of this

enormous love for my future children: I feel like saying to them, “You

are why I’m doing this! I dedicate all this work, all this therapy and

all this time spent processing, to you. Even though it’s INCREDIBLY

DIFFICULT, and painful and sad and horrible and somehow unfair or

something, I am doing this for you. Because I love you, and I know

that the best thing I could possible do for you, the way I could love

you the most in the world, the biggest hugest most important

life-changing beautiful truly IMPORTANT offering I could give you, is

dealing with my shit. Me going through this, me with my wracking sobs

and my despair that I’ll never be able to let it go, me blaming myself

for not being the Dalai Lama and already in a state of compassionate

detachment, me with all of these feelings and all of these tears and

all of this crying and all of this feeling it out, with all of this -

this it the greatest possible gift I could give you, and you are why I

choose to do it. " Oh, I do it for myself too, to let go of all this

heavy CRAP that I’m carrying around with me, including my humiliation

and shame about hating getting yelled at - I HATE getting yelled at, I

HATE getting criticized, I HATE getting shut down, even if it's all in

my head, and all of this sheer unadulterated pure shimmering snakeline

gut-wrenching TERROR that I will become her, all of this crap about

hating myself for being judgmental and impatient and opinionated like

her, all of these awful empty feelings - I do it for myself too, to

let go of all that - but mostly, I do it for you. I do it for my

future partner, and for my future children. I do it for the future

generations and a future me that I can’t see right now, but one I

choose to love anyway, although I think in reality it is that me that

is loving the current me, because I am so upset and sad and afraid and

caught up in all this right now and have no perspective.

I’m really going in there and feeling it, feeling all of my rage and

pain and frustration and hatred, and it’s incredibly uncomfortable.

I'm brave and uncomfortable and I just hate it. I’m not sure I’ve ever

felt anything as uncomfortable as this, and right now I’m just

existing on faith … I’m just existing on the faith that I will get

through this, that I WILL be able to let go of this crap, and that I

will be lighter and happier and more free on the other side. Oh God,

please someone tell me that it does work, that I’m not doing this in

vain … please tell me that on the other side of these wracking sobs

and memories and hatred and pain, that there is freedom, there is

release, there is relief. Please tell me that I’m not investing in

nothing, that I’m not going through this for nothing, and that it

doesn’t last forever. Please tell me that this is a stage I’m going

through and that it will end. Because it’s only been 2 days of these

awful, horrible meditation sessions and it just feels endless. I can’t

stop crying.