Nada's patterns, and one-upsmanship

[Guest guest]

I've been thinking about it, and I guess these fall into the category

of " strategies " for dealing with visits to my nada, both of which work

pretty well:

1. I Lie

I used to only make a couple of trips each year across country to

visit my family, and had no success getting to do things I wanted to

do on my vacation, on my dime. Nada would have scheduled every minute

of my time with things she wanted me to do with her. If I'd say " I'd

like to go see my friend soandso today " , it would end up ruining not

only that day but the rest of the trip because nada would go into

either a rage or a sulk-boo-hoo-Silent Treatment.

So, I started lying!

I'd arrive two or three days earlier than I'd tell her, do what I

wanted to do, and then " arrive " at nada's home and give her my total

attention for the remaining days. For whatever bpd reason, it was me

*telling her I wanted to do something on my own* that upset her, she

is apparently fine with fewer days as long as I did/do not mention

wanting to go do something on my own during " her " days!

2. I Leave

I discovered that my nada can only be sweet and pleasant for two or

maybe three days of a visit, then she starts in with the nit-picking,

the criticizing, the insults, the intrusiveness, the pouting, etc.

Its as though being pleasant and normal is an acrobatic trick for my

nada: she can do a hand-stand and walk on her hands for short periods

of time, but can't keep it up indefinitely because it is a strain and

takes concentration and effort.

I used to just grit my teeth and stay at her home and endure the

inevitable deterioration of our time together, letting her rage at me

or go into accusatory crying jags, or whatever.

Now, when I see the first hints of that coming on, I just... leave!

End of Visit! I go stay at a friend's house, or my Sisters, or

anywhere else. It was like a revelation, like dawn breaking to

realize that I am an Adult and do not have to stand there and take her

abuse any more!

3. Harsh consequences

I have the kind of nada that has a great deal of difficulty, if not

total impossibility, of having a rational conversation when she

becomes emotional, and I mean even a little emotional. If she is

merely irritated: " We're leaving, this line is entirely too long! "

when there are only two people ahead of us at the bank, for example.

If I point out that " We might as well stay, we're already here and

see? Another teller opened her window " that is likely to get me the

Glare of Hate, or I have hurt her feelings and get the Silent

Treatment. All nada wants is to be Obeyed. She wants instant

compliance with her commands, is all. So I've stopped trying to

reason with her, basically.

Its scary driving her places because she doesn't trust other female

drivers, becomes convinced that cars are about to hit us (she doesn't

see well enough to drive anymore) screams in terror periodically and

has even tried to grab the steering wheel on a couple of occasions.

Its nerve-wracking.

I've had to stop the car and tell her to STOP IT!, that she is going

to *cause* me to have an accident with her histrionics, and the next

time she screams or flings her hand in front of my face or tries to

grab the steering wheel I am putting her out of the car and she can

walk home. Talking does not get through to her, but the threat of

being left at a gas station to make her own way home penetrates her

dysfunctional thought processes. But then of course I have been

" horrible " and have hurt her feelings badly and I get the Silent

Treatment.

That's why I live across the country from nada. I can only take that

stuff once or twice a year. The last few months of No Contact have

been lovely.

-Annie