I need Support!

[Guest guest]

When my mom received her diagnosis, I didn't realize that I would

need support also. My whole life I knew my mom was different than

other moms, she didn't love me - -not the way my friend's moms loved,

anyway, but then sometimes she did – it was always hard to tell. I

am an only child of a single mom and I didn't get to have a

childhood – one of us had to be the grown up and it surely wasn't'

going to be her. She was a substance abuser and did everything from

marijuana to crack. I'm 24 now and my mom and I talk every now and

then, but we aren't close – we never really have been – she went to a

hospital where she received care for depression – she has pulled her

life together and I am proud of her for what she has overcome. She

recently began diagnostic testing where it was determined that, yes,

in fact; she did have BPD, along with depression and low IQ. This

helps to explain most of my life – but does not excuse her behavior…

right now I'm having a difficult time distinguishing explanations

from excuses – it's something I'm working on. (I am closer with my

Aunt than my Mom and my Aunt passes along the information).

Her diagnosis comes at a time when my access to technology is VERY

limited. I'm currently working in Kazakhstan with the Peace Corps.

I'm in a place where I have very few friends and people already don't

understand what I say most of the time. I would be terrified to tell

any of my friends – I struggle with the thought that people will

judge me based on what they know about my mom because I think people

do judge based on family – this has been an on-going struggle my

whole life, I am nothing like my mom.

I looked information up about this illness and now have become

paranoid for myself. First because I am in the age range of when this

illness normally becomes apparent and secondly because the

environmental causes of this illness were all a part of my young

life. I sometimes think about the future children I may or may not

have, however silly that may be, and how they will be predisposed and

they will not have the same kind of relationship with Grandma that

other children get.

Right now, I just need a " safe place " to vent and share with people

who don't know me and therefore, won't possibly be able to judge me

and may be going through very similar things. And support – only I

don't know where to get – please tell me all these struggles

are " normal, " after all, all any of us want is to be " normal. " If

this is the wrong forum – please accept my heartfelt apologies and

assist me in finding a group where this would fit. Thank you for

letting me tell my story – I don't know how often I'll come here –

I'm at an internet café that I pay to be at – so I have limited time –

thank you all!