Re: Post Christmas melt-down

[Guest guest]

Good for you, you deserve to have your own life and try new things

other than always spending your vacation time / free time / holidays

with your FOO.

I don't have any advice for you, though, as my nada is behaving much

differently than yours, for which I am grateful. Instead of harassing

me when I went " NC " with her, my nada has, in turn, gone " no contact "

with me as well.

But I'm sure the other members here will have some insights for you,

suggestions, or experiences to share RE handling the Drama Queen

(nada) and the Drama Entourage (the brothers).

-Annie

>

> The drama continues. For the first time ever I spent Christmas away

> from my FO. I told nada weeks before so that she would be aware and

> plan accordingly. Turns out nada did not tell my bada and other

> brother so they turned up with gifts and were surprised and

> supposedly disappointed that I wasn't there.

>

> I screened nada's call on Christmas day b/c I knew she'd be on a

> guilt tripping rant that I wasn't there, and I wanted to avoid the

> confrontation so that I could ENJOY my Christmas. I phoned her the

> next day to wish her a Merry Christmas and whoa... did she rage. She

> went into hysterics, bawling, guilt tripping, waif mode... etc.

> NUTS! I calmly explained why I didn't go and she described how

> ruined Christmas was, and how they all " sat down and talked about

> it. " She accused me of being flaky like my estranged father's family

> is. She accused me of " Drifting away from the family. " I'm 30 by the

> way. She accused me of seeing her only once in 6 months, in reality

> it's more like a dozen or more times I have seen her in 6 months. On

> and on the rant... I stated I wouldn't apologize, and that I didn't

> feel guilty, and that it's perfectly normal for someone my age to

> spend Christmas away from the FO, especially considering my

> brothers' constant, rude behaviour. Finally I got off the phone with

> her.

>

> Then a few minutes later my bada calls, I am virtually NC with him.

> More drama. He apologized and begged forgiveness practically crying

> for his actions. (A long story, but he's always been abusive,

> untrustworthy, trickster, user, etc. classic narcisisst.) I told him

> that his apology is too little too late, and there's nothing he can

> do to fix it so forget about it.

>

> Then a few minutes later my other brother calls. More drama, he also

> begs forgiveness, cries, and apologizes for his crappy behaviour. I

> was honest and truthful (not mean.) and told them that they need to

> grow up and i'm finished as the bad behaviour to me and nada is

> unacceptable. I also stated that i've heard hollow, unfulfilled

> promises and apologies before... and that i'm not buying it. He

> asked if he and I could repair the relationship and that he'd prove

> that he could be nice to me. I was LC with him before this. I think

> I could manage a LC still but no more Christmas' or " family get

> togethers " for hellfire. It's too much.

>

> Am I crazy? Is it not perfectly normal for someone my age to spend a

> Christmas away from the FO? Even though my brothers will never have

> families of their own I probably will. How do you all handle your

> nada's clinging, obsessive, rediculous expectations and guilt trips?

> I feel very detached and happy about my decisions but I can see this

> drama is going to continue and I need to find a quick efficient way

> to put a stop to it. I am also certain that nada's distortion

> campaign will be in full swing. Any input would be appreciated.

>

[Guest guest]

PS:

One suggestion from me is to not trust your nada to relay information

to other people for you. She most likely didn't relay your message to

your brothers out of spite, because she was so pissed off at you for

not spending Christmas with her at her house. So, from now on if you

want to get information to or from anyone in your family, you probably

should contact them yourself.

-Annie

> >

> > The drama continues. For the first time ever I spent Christmas away

> > from my FO. I told nada weeks before so that she would be aware and

> > plan accordingly. Turns out nada did not tell my bada and other

> > brother so they turned up with gifts and were surprised and

> > supposedly disappointed that I wasn't there.

> >

> > I screened nada's call on Christmas day b/c I knew she'd be on a

> > guilt tripping rant that I wasn't there, and I wanted to avoid the

> > confrontation so that I could ENJOY my Christmas. I phoned her the

> > next day to wish her a Merry Christmas and whoa... did she rage. She

> > went into hysterics, bawling, guilt tripping, waif mode... etc.

> > NUTS! I calmly explained why I didn't go and she described how

> > ruined Christmas was, and how they all " sat down and talked about

> > it. " She accused me of being flaky like my estranged father's family

> > is. She accused me of " Drifting away from the family. " I'm 30 by the

> > way. She accused me of seeing her only once in 6 months, in reality

> > it's more like a dozen or more times I have seen her in 6 months. On

> > and on the rant... I stated I wouldn't apologize, and that I didn't

> > feel guilty, and that it's perfectly normal for someone my age to

> > spend Christmas away from the FO, especially considering my

> > brothers' constant, rude behaviour. Finally I got off the phone with

> > her.

> >

> > Then a few minutes later my bada calls, I am virtually NC with him.

> > More drama. He apologized and begged forgiveness practically crying

> > for his actions. (A long story, but he's always been abusive,

> > untrustworthy, trickster, user, etc. classic narcisisst.) I told him

> > that his apology is too little too late, and there's nothing he can

> > do to fix it so forget about it.

> >

> > Then a few minutes later my other brother calls. More drama, he also

> > begs forgiveness, cries, and apologizes for his crappy behaviour. I

> > was honest and truthful (not mean.) and told them that they need to

> > grow up and i'm finished as the bad behaviour to me and nada is

> > unacceptable. I also stated that i've heard hollow, unfulfilled

> > promises and apologies before... and that i'm not buying it. He

> > asked if he and I could repair the relationship and that he'd prove

> > that he could be nice to me. I was LC with him before this. I think

> > I could manage a LC still but no more Christmas' or " family get

> > togethers " for hellfire. It's too much.

> >

> > Am I crazy? Is it not perfectly normal for someone my age to spend a

> > Christmas away from the FO? Even though my brothers will never have

> > families of their own I probably will. How do you all handle your

> > nada's clinging, obsessive, rediculous expectations and guilt trips?

> > I feel very detached and happy about my decisions but I can see this

> > drama is going to continue and I need to find a quick efficient way

> > to put a stop to it. I am also certain that nada's distortion

> > campaign will be in full swing. Any input would be appreciated.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like you should feel really great about how you handled all

that rage -with calm confidence. Doesn't it confuse you how they

want you around so much- to the point they say it ruined the day that

you weren't there, but they are so quick to critize and complain

about us? It's like, why do you even want someone who you are

describing around?

I have a situation with my Nada where she 'disowned' me b/c I just

reconnected with my father after 24 yrs and she is pissed. So I am

lucky that she is the one who decided to go NC.

Do you think you want to go NC with your Nada?

I might sound like a broken record, I've posted it a few times

before - something I highly recommend is blocking emails and phone

numbers. It's incredibly liberating!

Best of luck to you!

>

> The drama continues. For the first time ever I spent Christmas away

> from my FO. I told nada weeks before so that she would be aware and

> plan accordingly. Turns out nada did not tell my bada and other

> brother so they turned up with gifts and were surprised and

> supposedly disappointed that I wasn't there.

>

> I screened nada's call on Christmas day b/c I knew she'd be on a

> guilt tripping rant that I wasn't there, and I wanted to avoid the

> confrontation so that I could ENJOY my Christmas. I phoned her the

> next day to wish her a Merry Christmas and whoa... did she rage.

She

> went into hysterics, bawling, guilt tripping, waif mode... etc.

> NUTS! I calmly explained why I didn't go and she described how

> ruined Christmas was, and how they all " sat down and talked about

> it. " She accused me of being flaky like my estranged father's

family

> is. She accused me of " Drifting away from the family. " I'm 30 by

the

> way. She accused me of seeing her only once in 6 months, in reality

> it's more like a dozen or more times I have seen her in 6 months.

On

> and on the rant... I stated I wouldn't apologize, and that I didn't

> feel guilty, and that it's perfectly normal for someone my age to

> spend Christmas away from the FO, especially considering my

> brothers' constant, rude behaviour. Finally I got off the phone

with

> her.

>

> Then a few minutes later my bada calls, I am virtually NC with him.

> More drama. He apologized and begged forgiveness practically crying

> for his actions. (A long story, but he's always been abusive,

> untrustworthy, trickster, user, etc. classic narcisisst.) I told

him

> that his apology is too little too late, and there's nothing he can

> do to fix it so forget about it.

>

> Then a few minutes later my other brother calls. More drama, he

also

> begs forgiveness, cries, and apologizes for his crappy behaviour. I

> was honest and truthful (not mean.) and told them that they need to

> grow up and i'm finished as the bad behaviour to me and nada is

> unacceptable. I also stated that i've heard hollow, unfulfilled

> promises and apologies before... and that i'm not buying it. He

> asked if he and I could repair the relationship and that he'd prove

> that he could be nice to me. I was LC with him before this. I think

> I could manage a LC still but no more Christmas' or " family get

> togethers " for hellfire. It's too much.

>

> Am I crazy? Is it not perfectly normal for someone my age to spend

a

> Christmas away from the FO? Even though my brothers will never have

> families of their own I probably will. How do you all handle your

> nada's clinging, obsessive, rediculous expectations and guilt

trips?

> I feel very detached and happy about my decisions but I can see

this

> drama is going to continue and I need to find a quick efficient way

> to put a stop to it. I am also certain that nada's distortion

> campaign will be in full swing. Any input would be appreciated.

>

[Guest guest]

Blond w/hair on fire;

No you are not crazy. Had I known about the bp in my family before I got

pregnant, I would have never told any of them about it and kept them away

always. Had I known, had I known, wow I'd be so NC in NC period, no matter

what. Actually, my father is the reason I never considered it just on

principle. He was clueless as to what he was getting into when he married

her - my mother appeared to be a very pretty and fun lady - in public. In

later years, he would sign them up for every single Elderhostel and trip so

she's have to be nice. He would stop her rages on us (and beatings) when he

could that is, when he wasn't at work - but of course, she split him from my

sister and I and to this day, now that she's been dead for 5 or 6 years,

he's discovering slowly who I really am. But at 91, it's really too late in

this world for him to ever really know me. He'll always think of me and my

sister as difficult children because of nada. Sad.

Flowers in Oz

----- Original Message -----

Am I crazy? Is it not perfectly normal for someone my age to spend a

Christmas away from the FO?

[Guest guest]

Hi hellfire -

I had such a similiar situation with stepnada - she would unleash so

much guilt if we didn't come over for the holidays - any of them! As

an adult, I was splitting time between my moms, my dad's (and

stepnada's), and my husband's family. All three houses are on

opposite sides of Vegas (which if you've ever seen it, is pretty damn

sprawling - 30 miles from one side to the other). Imagine doing that

on Christmas!! It was so hard to go to my dad's because we never

knew what the mood over there would be. I was always afraid somebody

would bring up a " forbidden " topic - which was ever shifting. God

knows I didn't want my husband to have to witness one of her horrible

rages. And I knew the more I brought him over, the more comfortable

and hence, crazy she would become. My answer was to finally go NC.

My holidays are SO much nicer. This was one of the best Christmases

I've ever had. So low key, relaxing and spent with people I love,

who love me back even if we get into arguments. And yes, as a 29

year old, I can state with conviction that it is PERFECTLY normal to

spend Christmas where you choose, whether it be with family, friends,

or holed up in your house with your S.O. Normal people understand

this. BPD's don't. With my stepnada, any time I disagreed, said no

to something, or begged out of a " get-togther, " I was seen as a

traitor more or less. I don't know how many holidays we had to talk

her down from an out of control spiral of: " you love your mom more

than me!!! You never want to be around me!!! I didn't get to have

kids of my own!!! " My dad almost left her over one of those fights.

Didn't matter that we kissed her ass constantly, and constantly put

my mom second too often to make sure her (stepnada's) feelings didn't

get hurt. None of that mattered. There is no filling that big,

black hole inside of them. The more you throw in, the more they want.

>

> The drama continues. For the first time ever I spent Christmas away

> from my FO. I told nada weeks before so that she would be aware and

> plan accordingly. Turns out nada did not tell my bada and other

> brother so they turned up with gifts and were surprised and

> supposedly disappointed that I wasn't there.

>

> I screened nada's call on Christmas day b/c I knew she'd be on a

> guilt tripping rant that I wasn't there, and I wanted to avoid the

> confrontation so that I could ENJOY my Christmas. I phoned her the

> next day to wish her a Merry Christmas and whoa... did she rage.

She

> went into hysterics, bawling, guilt tripping, waif mode... etc.

> NUTS! I calmly explained why I didn't go and she described how

> ruined Christmas was, and how they all " sat down and talked about

> it. " She accused me of being flaky like my estranged father's

family

> is. She accused me of " Drifting away from the family. " I'm 30 by

the

> way. She accused me of seeing her only once in 6 months, in reality

> it's more like a dozen or more times I have seen her in 6 months.

On

> and on the rant... I stated I wouldn't apologize, and that I didn't

> feel guilty, and that it's perfectly normal for someone my age to

> spend Christmas away from the FO, especially considering my

> brothers' constant, rude behaviour. Finally I got off the phone

with

> her.

>

> Then a few minutes later my bada calls, I am virtually NC with him.

> More drama. He apologized and begged forgiveness practically crying

> for his actions. (A long story, but he's always been abusive,

> untrustworthy, trickster, user, etc. classic narcisisst.) I told

him

> that his apology is too little too late, and there's nothing he can

> do to fix it so forget about it.

>

> Then a few minutes later my other brother calls. More drama, he

also

> begs forgiveness, cries, and apologizes for his crappy behaviour. I

> was honest and truthful (not mean.) and told them that they need to

> grow up and i'm finished as the bad behaviour to me and nada is

> unacceptable. I also stated that i've heard hollow, unfulfilled

> promises and apologies before... and that i'm not buying it. He

> asked if he and I could repair the relationship and that he'd prove

> that he could be nice to me. I was LC with him before this. I think

> I could manage a LC still but no more Christmas' or " family get

> togethers " for hellfire. It's too much.

>

> Am I crazy? Is it not perfectly normal for someone my age to spend

a

> Christmas away from the FO? Even though my brothers will never have

> families of their own I probably will. How do you all handle your

> nada's clinging, obsessive, rediculous expectations and guilt

trips?

> I feel very detached and happy about my decisions but I can see

this

> drama is going to continue and I need to find a quick efficient way

> to put a stop to it. I am also certain that nada's distortion

> campaign will be in full swing. Any input would be appreciated.

>