Re: Re: take away nada's stick

[Guest guest]

I love the parable about the stick. I hope we can all throw away nada's sticks

in the new year and find ourselves in control of ourselves and at peace..

Happy New Year to everyone!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 6:17:34 PM

Subject: Re: take away nada's stick

Well said, Charlie!

Its eerie how similar your nada's behaviors are to my nada's, that

desire they have to take over, use, or destroy things that are/were

important to us, to show their control over us or just plain old hurt us.

Yes, it really makes a difference when we can get to a point where we

do not need nada for *anything*: we don't need her money, we do not

need her validation, we do not need her help in any way, shape or

form. It *is* very liberating.

Yes, no more " sticks " for nada to use, definitely!

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone, I had a new topic but first I wanted to say that my

heart goes out to all of you

> who have been posting these past few days. Annie, I'm so sorry to

hear that Christmas is

> a day of loss for you--how difficult! And Katrina--My God. I

cannot even imagine. And

> to all of you with rager-nadas, and that to anticipate-- good grief!

What a tempest it all

> is!

>

> Which kindof leads me to the subject of this post. It has dawned on

me, as I contemplate

> this year's holiday season, how important it is to try and keep

nada's hands off of anything

> that is important to their children; anything they could use to harm

or manipulate them.

> I'm not sure if I've ever posted here a zen parable that I really

love (this is my version, so

> it's Westernized a little, sorry!)

>

> the teacher said to the student, what is the meaning of life!? if

you answer me, i will hit

> you with this stick. if you do not answer me, i will hit you with

this stick. what will you

> do?

>

> and the student said, 'i will take away your stick'.

>

> Isn't it great? As I was journaling earlier I realized how my nada

had never missed a

> chance to use something that was important to me to try to harm me,

get control over me

> or force her way somehow. Just a few examples: she knew I loved the

Christmas tree, so

> she would go out of her way to ruin it, not let me help with the

decorations, make sure it

> was all about her and her misery. Any time she knew something was

important to me, she

> would try to use it--say she knew I would show up for dinner for my

father's birthday--

> she would take the opportunity to issue all sorts of insults and

denials and abuses while I

> was 'trapped' at the restaraunt. If she knew possessions of mine

were important to me,

> they would disappear or get sold at garage sales. If she knew I was

sensitive about any

> given subject (especially aspects of my appearance), she would dig

into these when she

> knew I was most vulnerable, in order to 'get to me' when she needed

attention, or needed

> to prove to herself I was the 'bad' child.

>

> I suppose what I'm trying to say with this post is how very

important it is to remove control

> of anything important to you from nada. Because they will always,

always, try and use it to

> harm and control you. I have made an effort to do that, and I am

now happy and peaceful

> for the first time in my life. Things are far from perfect, mind

you, but I now spend my

> days pretty much steady, with a base level of happiness that is

natural to me, that helps

> me deal with the challenges of the days.. The only reason I can do

this, though, is because

> I have taken away nada's stick. When I used to be full of sorrow,

debilitating sorrow, so

> often, it was because nada and other FOO members were inflicting it.

The minute I cut off

> contact with them, the sorrow disappeared. That is amazing.

>

> Here are a few examples of how a person might take that stick away.

It took a bit of

> doing, but I've become financially independent of nada and FOO now.

I also don't need to

> go through nada to communicate with family members--and the FOO who

insist on

> getting nada's blessing to communicate with me, well, they were

abusers and I don't miss

> them anyway. I have detached myself from wanting or needing any

left behind items at

> nadas house (some clothes and some childhood mementos--who wants to

remember

> childhood with nada anyway). I've set myself up so I don't need her

for anything--I have

> triple A if my car breaks down, etc. The only thing I'm still

having real trouble with is the

> fear that she will show up at my house and try to force a

confrontation. That's still a big

> source of anxiety for me...but at least, I'm not really letting her

*use* it.

>

> So for a holiday gift, I would wish all of you, a life without sticks!

>

> Best wishes,

> Charlie

>