depressed and hating it.

[Guest guest]

hey guys. long time, no type.

right now, i'm extremely lc with mom. i don't know what her health

problems are and she calls like 4x a month, but i usually only talk

to or see her about 1x a month. this thanksgiving, she said she was

just going to stay home because she didn't want to drive anywhere.

i'm like, ok. well, my dad's thanksgiving was pretty close to her

house, so my husband was like, " you should go see your mom. it IS

thanksgiving. " i was like, fine. whatever.

so we go there and she's completely drunk. i just got so freaking

angry, but didn't say anything because there's no reason to argue

with a drunk person. so my husband is talking to her and trying to

get her to come with us to his mom's house. i'm thinking WHAT ARE

YOU DOING! later he said that he just felt so bad for her. i was

like, " dude, i am NOT driving her around town. period. " anyway, at

a certain point, she decided that she was going to tell me stuff

about myself that i apparently wasn't privy to. my husband kind of

put his arm around her to hold her back and she claimed that he " hit

her in the face. " this lead to her chasing him around the front yard

and hitting him. she was playing around, but jeeeeeeeezus. then he

jumped over the garden to get to the porch and she fell down in the

garden and made a big deal about how he had pushed her into the

garden. and then she was getting ready to bite him and i was like,

WE'RE LEAVING.

the whole thing took 15 mins.

i saw her at a dinner on the following sunday and she looked like she

was injured. i didn't ask. found out later that after she had

chased my husband around, she had fallen AGAIN on some hard surface

and really screwed her back up.

i have absolutely no sympathy for her.

i have been feeling really depressed since this. i cannot get over

the feeling that all of this is pointless and there is absolutely no

reason to do anything. i feel isolated at work. i was working in

the same hall as my best pal, but they changed my classroom this year

and it's really hard to connect with anyone in my hall. teaching is

so draining. i was horrified to find that i wasn't shocked when one

of my students told me she had been molested by her step father. i

am so tired. tired and stressed and anxious. i cannot relax

anywhere.

people picture me as this happy-go-lucky slacker because i'm always

joking around and i can't focus. the truth is that if i wasn't

joking around, i would be a completely suicidal mess. i can't focus

because i spent so long waiting for the other shoe to drop with mom

that it's just natural now to constantly look over my shoulder.

my best pal blames all this on crazy mothers. i have to agree with

him. i can't buy into anything. i mean, i don't buy into any reason

to work for anything. i don't feel like i really make a difference

at my job. i don't believe in any higher being that will make sure

justice is done. i don't trust anybody. and i guess it all makes

sense when you take into acount the fact that my mom was a big, crazy

liar launching smear attacks against the relatives that liked us and

jealously hating us if we showed these relatives any attention.

i feel like i am a constant drain on my husband. i wish i wasn't

this depressed all the time. the scary thing is that i'm MEDICATED.

i am taking antidepressants and i still feel like this. it is

getting harder and harder to get out of bed every day. i don't know

what to do.

bink