Re: I'm looking in the mirror today and seeing MYSELF!

[Guest guest]

Your post made me tear up with happiness; you have experienced the

freedom and joy of simply being yourself, which although it sounds

anticlimactic is a huge step for us KO's.

I could hear the joy in your " voice " as you wrote that: how freedom

tastes and feels, how exhilarating it is not having the negative

vortex of nada swirling around in your head, claiming you as her

possession, her appendage, her servant, her victim. You broke free,

and you are yourself.

Good for you: you should be very proud of yourself!

-Annie

>

> Hi all, I wanted to share the good and proud feeling I have about

> myself today. For the very first time in my life, say thirty years

> plus, I really enjoyed going to the hairdresser and buying two new

> dresses, a blouse and two jackets! I did not beat myself up in the

> dressing room for looking " fat " , I did not leave the boutique with

> the desperate conviction that I urgently needed to go on a diet and

> that only after I'd lost some weight I could come back and try new

> clothes on; I did not or hardly hear my nada's voice telling me that

> it did or did not look good on me, or me having to guess from her

> mimics whether she would shame me afterwards for having bought

> something or not. I did not end up buying all kinds of presents for

> her or other family members because buying something for myself used

> to creat huge FOG in my head and heart. I did not buy anything in

> order to please HER, but to please ME (and a bit my husband ). I

> did not have any panick attacks in the fitting rooms because of

> memories of her sweaty hands or hard grip on me during the " shopping-

> session-torture " I had to endure so often. She used to " adjust " the

> clothes always, even if there was nothing to adjust, and it felt

> wrong and inappropriate and there was a lot of hidden aggression in

> it. And I did not walk around undecidedly for half an hour until I

> was finally disoriented and dizzy and hyperventilating in the mall,

> as I used to do after I started to go shopping on my own -- because I

> felt so insecure back then and felt like an empty mirror and could

> only look at myself with nada's eyes. Today, I looked at myself with

> my own eyes. I bought colours that I happened to like today. (will I

> like them tomorrow? well, I hope so, but I did not worry about it

> today), I could cut myself some slack because I know I am only at the

> beginning of creating my own taste or style. I could look into the

> mirror while my hair was being cut without seeing and feeling the

> scissors with which my nada violently chopped off all my long hair

> one terrible day during a rage. Today, I sat there, and I was quite

> relaxed, and I thought, well look, this is me, at the hairdresser,

> and I am adult woman who knows what she likes. Fwiiiuuuh! In such

> things, I feel that therapy, reading and posting here, and reflecting

> about the past is finally beginning to bear fruits... So thanks a lot

> guys for all support and advice!

> Love to y'all from the Berries.

>

[Guest guest]

I know exactly how you feel and congratulations! Being able to be

yourself is priceless.

> >

> > Hi all, I wanted to share the good and proud feeling I have about

> > myself today. For the very first time in my life, say thirty

years

> > plus, I really enjoyed going to the hairdresser and buying two

new

> > dresses, a blouse and two jackets! I did not beat myself up in

the

> > dressing room for looking " fat " , I did not leave the boutique

with

> > the desperate conviction that I urgently needed to go on a diet

and

> > that only after I'd lost some weight I could come back and try

new

> > clothes on; I did not or hardly hear my nada's voice telling me

that

> > it did or did not look good on me, or me having to guess from her

> > mimics whether she would shame me afterwards for having bought

> > something or not. I did not end up buying all kinds of presents

for

> > her or other family members because buying something for myself

used

> > to creat huge FOG in my head and heart. I did not buy anything in

> > order to please HER, but to please ME (and a bit my husband ).

I

> > did not have any panick attacks in the fitting rooms because of

> > memories of her sweaty hands or hard grip on me during

the " shopping-

> > session-torture " I had to endure so often. She used to " adjust "

the

> > clothes always, even if there was nothing to adjust, and it felt

> > wrong and inappropriate and there was a lot of hidden aggression

in

> > it. And I did not walk around undecidedly for half an hour until

I

> > was finally disoriented and dizzy and hyperventilating in the

mall,

> > as I used to do after I started to go shopping on my own --

because I

> > felt so insecure back then and felt like an empty mirror and

could

> > only look at myself with nada's eyes. Today, I looked at myself

with

> > my own eyes. I bought colours that I happened to like today.

(will I

> > like them tomorrow? well, I hope so, but I did not worry about it

> > today), I could cut myself some slack because I know I am only at

the

> > beginning of creating my own taste or style. I could look into

the

> > mirror while my hair was being cut without seeing and feeling the

> > scissors with which my nada violently chopped off all my long

hair

> > one terrible day during a rage. Today, I sat there, and I was

quite

> > relaxed, and I thought, well look, this is me, at the

hairdresser,

> > and I am adult woman who knows what she likes. Fwiiiuuuh! In such

> > things, I feel that therapy, reading and posting here, and

reflecting

> > about the past is finally beginning to bear fruits... So thanks a

lot

> > guys for all support and advice!

> > Love to y'all from the Berries.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm fairly new to the group and only discovered BPD about 6 months ago.  Reading

your post made me realize how many similar feelings and behavior traits KO's

share.  My nada's constant criticizing of my hair, clothing, posture, speech,

table manners, conversations with other people, etc. was always backed up with

" who else is going to be honest enough to tell you, I'm only telling you this

for your own good, I want you to look like the women I see on televsion or in

the magazines, if you don't like it (when I would say it would be nice if you

could say something nice once) she would say I won't tell you anymore and just

let you look ridiculous " , blah, blah, blah....I always believed it was for my

own good.  However, it's effect always made me feel inferior to everyone, shy to

engage in conversations (when in her company), always doubting myself, always

thinking I didn't know how to dress appropriately, speak correctly, eat

properly, blah, blah,

blah....

I can only imagine how absolutely empowered  you must feel to have made your own

choices, felt good about the choices and was able to look at yourself in the

mirror ( not feeling nada's critical eyes) and be happy with who you saw staring

back at you. 

Your enthusiasm and words give me hope. Thanks! 

And congratulations to you!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, December 4, 2008 12:26:45 PM

Subject: Re: I'm looking in the mirror today and seeing

MYSELF!

Your post made me tear up with happiness; you have experienced the

freedom and joy of simply being yourself, which although it sounds

anticlimactic is a huge step for us KO's.

I could hear the joy in your " voice " as you wrote that: how freedom

tastes and feels, how exhilarating it is not having the negative

vortex of nada swirling around in your head, claiming you as her

possession, her appendage, her servant, her victim. You broke free,

and you are yourself.

Good for you: you should be very proud of yourself!

-Annie

>

> Hi all, I wanted to share the good and proud feeling I have about

> myself today. For the very first time in my life, say thirty years

> plus, I really enjoyed going to the hairdresser and buying two new

> dresses, a blouse and two jackets! I did not beat myself up in the

> dressing room for looking " fat " , I did not leave the boutique with

> the desperate conviction that I urgently needed to go on a diet and

> that only after I'd lost some weight I could come back and try new

> clothes on; I did not or hardly hear my nada's voice telling me that

> it did or did not look good on me, or me having to guess from her

> mimics whether she would shame me afterwards for having bought

> something or not. I did not end up buying all kinds of presents for

> her or other family members because buying something for myself used

> to creat huge FOG in my head and heart. I did not buy anything in

> order to please HER, but to please ME (and a bit my husband ). I

> did not have any panick attacks in the fitting rooms because of

> memories of her sweaty hands or hard grip on me during the " shopping-

> session-torture " I had to endure so often. She used to " adjust " the

> clothes always, even if there was nothing to adjust, and it felt

> wrong and inappropriate and there was a lot of hidden aggression in

> it. And I did not walk around undecidedly for half an hour until I

> was finally disoriented and dizzy and hyperventilating in the mall,

> as I used to do after I started to go shopping on my own -- because I

> felt so insecure back then and felt like an empty mirror and could

> only look at myself with nada's eyes. Today, I looked at myself with

> my own eyes. I bought colours that I happened to like today. (will I

> like them tomorrow? well, I hope so, but I did not worry about it

> today), I could cut myself some slack because I know I am only at the

> beginning of creating my own taste or style. I could look into the

> mirror while my hair was being cut without seeing and feeling the

> scissors with which my nada violently chopped off all my long hair

> one terrible day during a rage. Today, I sat there, and I was quite

> relaxed, and I thought, well look, this is me, at the hairdresser,

> and I am adult woman who knows what she likes. Fwiiiuuuh! In such

> things, I feel that therapy, reading and posting here, and reflecting

> about the past is finally beginning to bear fruits... So thanks a lot

> guys for all support and advice!

> Love to y'all from the Berries.

>

[Guest guest]

congratulations!  that must have felt wonderful. 

 

i would be interested to know if others have similar shopping " war stories " .  my

nada also did the dressing room torture thing.  she would force me to try on

various outfits over and over again.  " put the blue one on.  now the red one. "  

i would complain that i was hot and tired.  " nope, try the blue one again.  not

sure..better try the red one again. "   she would make a big show for anyone who

happened to be in the dressing area.  she would talk to other shoppers about my

size and ask their opinions of the fit.  she would yell directions to me from

outside the dressing room.  that always drove me crazy...talking loudly in

public or yelling to me from far away so that everyone could hear whatever

embarassing thing she would say.   if i really really loved something she would

not buy it.  on rare occasions she would buy me something i liked, then not

allow me to wear it for a week or so and return it to the store. if i hated

something it

was mine. 

 

what was the point of it?  to control me?  or was her primary interest living

vicariously?  was she replaying some scene from her own childhood?  or like you

said...hidden aggression.

 

Subject: I'm looking in the mirror today and seeing MYSELF!

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, December 4, 2008, 11:39 AM

Hi all, I wanted to share the good and proud feeling I have about

myself today. For the very first time in my life, say thirty years

plus, I really enjoyed going to the hairdresser and buying two new

dresses, a blouse and two jackets! I did not beat myself up in the

dressing room for looking " fat " , I did not leave the boutique with

the desperate conviction that I urgently needed to go on a diet and

that only after I'd lost some weight I could come back and try new

clothes on; I did not or hardly hear my nada's voice telling me that

it did or did not look good on me, or me having to guess from her

mimics whether she would shame me afterwards for having bought

something or not. I did not end up buying all kinds of presents for

her or other family members because buying something for myself used

to creat huge FOG in my head and heart. I did not buy anything in

order to please HER, but to please ME (and a bit my husband ). I

did not have any panick attacks in the fitting rooms because of

memories of her sweaty hands or hard grip on me during the " shopping-

session-torture " I had to endure so often. She used to " adjust " the

clothes always, even if there was nothing to adjust, and it felt

wrong and inappropriate and there was a lot of hidden aggression in

it. And I did not walk around undecidedly for half an hour until I

was finally disoriented and dizzy and hyperventilating in the mall,

as I used to do after I started to go shopping on my own -- because I

felt so insecure back then and felt like an empty mirror and could

only look at myself with nada's eyes. Today, I looked at myself with

my own eyes. I bought colours that I happened to like today. (will I

like them tomorrow? well, I hope so, but I did not worry about it

today), I could cut myself some slack because I know I am only at the

beginning of creating my own taste or style. I could look into the

mirror while my hair was being cut without seeing and feeling the

scissors with which my nada violently chopped off all my long hair

one terrible day during a rage. Today, I sat there, and I was quite

relaxed, and I thought, well look, this is me, at the hairdresser,

and I am adult woman who knows what she likes. Fwiiiuuuh! In such

things, I feel that therapy, reading and posting here, and reflecting

about the past is finally beginning to bear fruits... So thanks a lot

guys for all support and advice!

Love to y'all from the Berries.

[Guest guest]

I personally think those mentally ill behaviors you describe are

mostly about:

Control:

making you try on things over and over for her decision:

(I get to direct your every move, I get to choose what you will wear,

and if you like something I will withhold it from you to demonstrate

my power over you. Note: watch the movie " Now, Voyager " for a graphic

demonstration of this phenomenon RE clothing.)

Hostility:

humiliating you: (See, everybody: that blouse makes my daughter look

ridiculous/ugly, don't you agree?)

The Spotlight:

shouting to you in public: ( " I said come here right now, young lady! "

or whatever. All eyes will be on nada, who apparently believes that

bad attention is better than no attention. Its also very hostile to

infantilise and humilate you by shouting at you in public.

All of these behaviors are self-serving and cruel, and they devastate

a child's sense of self-worth.

They also train the child to repress their own feelings and opinions,

to adopt subservient behaviors, and to accept being treated like an

object into adulthood.

Like training a dog; nadas want obedience without question.

-Annie

>

>

> Subject: I'm looking in the mirror today and

seeing MYSELF!

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Thursday, December 4, 2008, 11:39 AM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Hi all, I wanted to share the good and proud feeling I have about

> myself today. For the very first time in my life, say thirty years

> plus, I really enjoyed going to the hairdresser and buying two new

> dresses, a blouse and two jackets! I did not beat myself up in the

> dressing room for looking " fat " , I did not leave the boutique with

> the desperate conviction that I urgently needed to go on a diet and

> that only after I'd lost some weight I could come back and try new

> clothes on; I did not or hardly hear my nada's voice telling me that

> it did or did not look good on me, or me having to guess from her

> mimics whether she would shame me afterwards for having bought

> something or not. I did not end up buying all kinds of presents for

> her or other family members because buying something for myself used

> to creat huge FOG in my head and heart. I did not buy anything in

> order to please HER, but to please ME (and a bit my husband ). I

> did not have any panick attacks in the fitting rooms because of

> memories of her sweaty hands or hard grip on me during the " shopping-

> session-torture " I had to endure so often. She used to " adjust " the

> clothes always, even if there was nothing to adjust, and it felt

> wrong and inappropriate and there was a lot of hidden aggression in

> it. And I did not walk around undecidedly for half an hour until I

> was finally disoriented and dizzy and hyperventilating in the mall,

> as I used to do after I started to go shopping on my own -- because I

> felt so insecure back then and felt like an empty mirror and could

> only look at myself with nada's eyes. Today, I looked at myself with

> my own eyes. I bought colours that I happened to like today. (will I

> like them tomorrow? well, I hope so, but I did not worry about it

> today), I could cut myself some slack because I know I am only at the

> beginning of creating my own taste or style. I could look into the

> mirror while my hair was being cut without seeing and feeling the

> scissors with which my nada violently chopped off all my long hair

> one terrible day during a rage. Today, I sat there, and I was quite

> relaxed, and I thought, well look, this is me, at the hairdresser,

> and I am adult woman who knows what she likes. Fwiiiuuuh! In such

> things, I feel that therapy, reading and posting here, and reflecting

> about the past is finally beginning to bear fruits... So thanks a lot

> guys for all support and advice!

> Love to y'all from the Berries.

>

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