kind of long but please I need help

[Guest guest]

My mother is driving me over the edge. She's not malicious, but she

is careless, impulsive and manipulative, and its causing so much

stress on me that my outside life is suffering. I am also pregnant

so I really don't need this stress. Brief background: My father is

severely bi-polar, has narcassistic personality disorder, and is an

alcoholic. When I was 17 my nada's boyfriend kicked me out because i

got a piercing, and she went along with it, so i reluctantly moved in

with my father, his very quiet, sweet wife who allowed him to treat

her terribly, and their baby (My half brother). Long story short, he

kicked me out about a month later, (a week into my senior year of

high school), kept everything i owned (and probably sold most of it),

and i havent spoken to him since. (My mother made it about her, and

basically treated it like it was my fault, because I got the piercing

and thus chose to move in with my father, and she " knew this was

going to happen " ) A few months later it was all over the news that

my father accidentally killed my stepmother, which was incredibly

difficult for me to deal with. In fact I never really had the chance

to deal with it. Anyway, the baby was adopted by her sister, and I

haven't seen him in 4 years.

My nada, who has been going through one of her phases of impulsive,

childish behavior, decided a few days ago she was going to contact my

stepmothers sister, who adopted the baby, without talking to me about

it first. I have been thinking about doing this myself, but decided

I would when I was ready, because I am pregnant and very sensitive at

the moment and didn't know how I would deal with all of this being

brought up again. So my nada told me the other night that she

contacted them and that they would rather I not see him right now

because he doesn't know he's adopted, which is what I was afraid of.

So I told her she really should have talked to me about it first, and

she got very offended and said, " Well it was spontaneous. " and when I

said this sort of thing shouldn't be spontaneous she revealed that

no, really she had been thinking about it for a while now. (She lies

like that alot) Either way, I said, she really should have spoken to

me about it, which upset her and she hung up on me.

And as always, she has made the situation about her, even though she

has no connection with this child or my stepmother's family other

than being my mother. So now I'm a horrible person for not

appreciating something she did for me. (Even though I feel that it

was really herself that she did it for.)

This is just one instance of some selfish things she's done recently,

and it's becoming very hard for me to concentrate on the rest of my

life because of the drama she creates. I am thinking about how I can

limit contact with her so that the stress she puts on me doesn't

effect my pregnancy anymore, but I don't want to go completely NC.

It would be impossible without also going NC with my two young

brothers, and I absolutely cannot do that. I also love my mother

very much, which makes this all the more confusing and difficult for

me. She is also in the habit of making other people feel sorry for

her in these types of situations, and making me look like the bad guy.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? I feel like I've been

dealing with this feeling of being torn between the love I have for

my mother and the pain and stress she's caused me since I was a child.