Don't know how to feel about this...confused...

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

Bpd and dysfunctional families always manage to surprise us, isn't

it? I am usually trying to stay calm and balanced and I have to fight

the intense and volatile behavior of my Nada. And now, after what

happened on Friday, I don't understand why she and my father and my

sister can stay so calm and indifferent, as if nothing happened, and

I feel like screaming, screaming, screaming all of the rotten stuff

out of me, to get it out of my system. My nada continues with the

emotional incest: she confides in me with all her stories about both

her sexual relationship or the lack of it with my father, like she's

done to me since I was a twelve year old, and about her adulterous

relationship with her lover since half a year now. Thanks to this

board, I know that this has a name, and I can better understand why

it feels like abuse. I cut off the phone, I walk away, but

nevertheless things keep being smashed into my face and I just wish I

did not know all this. So please allow me to vent here! Last Friday,

my father came home earlier from his work than he'd expected and he

found out nada and her lover in their bedroom. I don't need to say

more. It's trivial, it's banal, it's universal, of all places and of

all times. And I disapprove of it, but it does not surprise me; I

knew this was bound to happen one day. What does however get to me is

their reaction: as if nothing happened. They are so calm and passive.

My mother continues to defend herself, does not show any remorse, on

the contrary, she blames my father. No introspection on her part, no

empathy with him, nothing. My sister: the same, more or less. My

father: the same, more or less. Such enormous passivity! And my

mother is not planning to stop in any way, and even told my father

so. She also lied to him that this was the first time and he buys

that lie, and also there she does not seem to feel any guilt or

remorse. I really don't get it. I feel like when I would now talk to

them I would throw them their passivity into their faces and I would

scream to stop with the hypocrisy and either try to restore things or

divorce each other. I could respect that decision. But this attitude

is very difficult for me to respect.

It is so weird that I would usually want my nada to be a bit calmer,

and not to create emotional turmoil and crisis -- and now that there

is a real crisis, they are all so quiet and subdued... are they in

the process of denial already? I don't get it, and although I don't

need to act or react to them in any way about this, it does confuse

me that I don't know how to FEEL in this situation, about this

situation... Am I now the one creating drama and crisis? I sure don't

want to behave like a nada, so please tell me if you find that I

exaggerate! I also don't know why I feel reluctant to tell my husband

this; he does not know the latest development yet... any advice would

be most welcome, Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi Katrina,

I am so sorry for what you are going through! I think it's great

that you're expressing your anger, confusion and frustration. It's

perfectly normal to have conflicting emotions about it all. I would

encourage you to continue letting it out -- in whatever way it might

be best and safest for you. If you need to scream and yell, find a

safe place to do so, and let it out!! If it feels safe and better to

tell your husband about it, do so. You don't need to swallow your

feelings and you don't have to keep her " secret. "

It's also important to remember that you can't change their behavior

or their actions. If your family are in denial and acting like

nothing is wrong or that nothing happened, you can't force them to

look at their problems. Your job is to take care of you in all of

this, not to fix their relationship.

Hang in there -- you've been surviving this stuff for a long time.

Wishing you peace,

>

> Hi all,

> Bpd and dysfunctional families always manage to surprise us, isn't

> it? I am usually trying to stay calm and balanced and I have to

fight

> the intense and volatile behavior of my Nada. And now, after what

> happened on Friday, I don't understand why she and my father and

my

> sister can stay so calm and indifferent, as if nothing happened,

and

> I feel like screaming, screaming, screaming all of the rotten

stuff

> out of me, to get it out of my system. My nada continues with the

> emotional incest: she confides in me with all her stories about

both

> her sexual relationship or the lack of it with my father, like

she's

> done to me since I was a twelve year old, and about her adulterous

> relationship with her lover since half a year now. Thanks to this

> board, I know that this has a name, and I can better understand

why

> it feels like abuse. I cut off the phone, I walk away, but

> nevertheless things keep being smashed into my face and I just

wish I

> did not know all this. So please allow me to vent here! Last

Friday,

> my father came home earlier from his work than he'd expected and

he

> found out nada and her lover in their bedroom. I don't need to say

> more. It's trivial, it's banal, it's universal, of all places and

of

> all times. And I disapprove of it, but it does not surprise me; I

> knew this was bound to happen one day. What does however get to me

is

> their reaction: as if nothing happened. They are so calm and

passive.

> My mother continues to defend herself, does not show any remorse,

on

> the contrary, she blames my father. No introspection on her part,

no

> empathy with him, nothing. My sister: the same, more or less. My

> father: the same, more or less. Such enormous passivity! And my

> mother is not planning to stop in any way, and even told my father

> so. She also lied to him that this was the first time and he buys

> that lie, and also there she does not seem to feel any guilt or

> remorse. I really don't get it. I feel like when I would now talk

to

> them I would throw them their passivity into their faces and I

would

> scream to stop with the hypocrisy and either try to restore things

or

> divorce each other. I could respect that decision. But this

attitude

> is very difficult for me to respect.

> It is so weird that I would usually want my nada to be a bit

calmer,

> and not to create emotional turmoil and crisis -- and now that

there

> is a real crisis, they are all so quiet and subdued... are they in

> the process of denial already? I don't get it, and although I

don't

> need to act or react to them in any way about this, it does

confuse

> me that I don't know how to FEEL in this situation, about this

> situation... Am I now the one creating drama and crisis? I sure

don't

> want to behave like a nada, so please tell me if you find that I

> exaggerate! I also don't know why I feel reluctant to tell my

husband

> this; he does not know the latest development yet... any advice

would

> be most welcome, Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Classic BDP behavior in my opinion! When there is something to

actually have a fit about, there's not a peep from nada. But the

smallest thing can happen and nada blows a gasket. SO FRUSTRATING!!

I think that your reaction is NORMAL and theirs is definitely

ABNORMAL. And no, it is not an exaggeration to react normally to an

f'd up situation. Exaggerating is how nadas act, not KOs, even though

they constantly project that onto us. It would be funny if it wasn't

so maddening!!

>

> Hi all,

> Bpd and dysfunctional families always manage to surprise us, isn't

> it? I am usually trying to stay calm and balanced and I have to fight

> the intense and volatile behavior of my Nada. And now, after what

> happened on Friday, I don't understand why she and my father and my

> sister can stay so calm and indifferent, as if nothing happened, and

> I feel like screaming, screaming, screaming all of the rotten stuff

> out of me, to get it out of my system. My nada continues with the

> emotional incest: she confides in me with all her stories about both

> her sexual relationship or the lack of it with my father, like she's

> done to me since I was a twelve year old, and about her adulterous

> relationship with her lover since half a year now. Thanks to this

> board, I know that this has a name, and I can better understand why

> it feels like abuse. I cut off the phone, I walk away, but

> nevertheless things keep being smashed into my face and I just wish I

> did not know all this. So please allow me to vent here! Last Friday,

> my father came home earlier from his work than he'd expected and he

> found out nada and her lover in their bedroom. I don't need to say

> more. It's trivial, it's banal, it's universal, of all places and of

> all times. And I disapprove of it, but it does not surprise me; I

> knew this was bound to happen one day. What does however get to me is

> their reaction: as if nothing happened. They are so calm and passive.

> My mother continues to defend herself, does not show any remorse, on

> the contrary, she blames my father. No introspection on her part, no

> empathy with him, nothing. My sister: the same, more or less. My

> father: the same, more or less. Such enormous passivity! And my

> mother is not planning to stop in any way, and even told my father

> so. She also lied to him that this was the first time and he buys

> that lie, and also there she does not seem to feel any guilt or

> remorse. I really don't get it. I feel like when I would now talk to

> them I would throw them their passivity into their faces and I would

> scream to stop with the hypocrisy and either try to restore things or

> divorce each other. I could respect that decision. But this attitude

> is very difficult for me to respect.

> It is so weird that I would usually want my nada to be a bit calmer,

> and not to create emotional turmoil and crisis -- and now that there

> is a real crisis, they are all so quiet and subdued... are they in

> the process of denial already? I don't get it, and although I don't

> need to act or react to them in any way about this, it does confuse

> me that I don't know how to FEEL in this situation, about this

> situation... Am I now the one creating drama and crisis? I sure don't

> want to behave like a nada, so please tell me if you find that I

> exaggerate! I also don't know why I feel reluctant to tell my husband

> this; he does not know the latest development yet... any advice would

> be most welcome, Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, you're really in a bad spot. I think your family has alienated

you utterly. You didn't ask for any of this so try and let some of

that anger wash right past you because it's not really yours to

begin with. That FO of yours is so out of touch with the reality of

their own feelings that it seems you might be the recepticle for ALL

OF IT! No wonder you feel the way you do, but this is situation is

NONE of your making. You didn't even sow these seeds!

>

> Hi all,

> Bpd and dysfunctional families always manage to surprise us, isn't

> it? I am usually trying to stay calm and balanced and I have to

fight

> the intense and volatile behavior of my Nada. And now, after what

> happened on Friday, I don't understand why she and my father and

my

> sister can stay so calm and indifferent, as if nothing happened,

and

> I feel like screaming, screaming, screaming all of the rotten

stuff

> out of me, to get it out of my system. My nada continues with the

> emotional incest: she confides in me with all her stories about

both

> her sexual relationship or the lack of it with my father, like

she's

> done to me since I was a twelve year old, and about her adulterous

> relationship with her lover since half a year now. Thanks to this

> board, I know that this has a name, and I can better understand

why

> it feels like abuse. I cut off the phone, I walk away, but

> nevertheless things keep being smashed into my face and I just

wish I

> did not know all this. So please allow me to vent here! Last

Friday,

> my father came home earlier from his work than he'd expected and

he

> found out nada and her lover in their bedroom. I don't need to say

> more. It's trivial, it's banal, it's universal, of all places and

of

> all times. And I disapprove of it, but it does not surprise me; I

> knew this was bound to happen one day. What does however get to me

is

> their reaction: as if nothing happened. They are so calm and

passive.

> My mother continues to defend herself, does not show any remorse,

on

> the contrary, she blames my father. No introspection on her part,

no

> empathy with him, nothing. My sister: the same, more or less. My

> father: the same, more or less. Such enormous passivity! And my

> mother is not planning to stop in any way, and even told my father

> so. She also lied to him that this was the first time and he buys

> that lie, and also there she does not seem to feel any guilt or

> remorse. I really don't get it. I feel like when I would now talk

to

> them I would throw them their passivity into their faces and I

would

> scream to stop with the hypocrisy and either try to restore things

or

> divorce each other. I could respect that decision. But this

attitude

> is very difficult for me to respect.

> It is so weird that I would usually want my nada to be a bit

calmer,

> and not to create emotional turmoil and crisis -- and now that

there

> is a real crisis, they are all so quiet and subdued... are they in

> the process of denial already? I don't get it, and although I

don't

> need to act or react to them in any way about this, it does

confuse

> me that I don't know how to FEEL in this situation, about this

> situation... Am I now the one creating drama and crisis? I sure

don't

> want to behave like a nada, so please tell me if you find that I

> exaggerate! I also don't know why I feel reluctant to tell my

husband

> this; he does not know the latest development yet... any advice

would

> be most welcome, Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to the dynamics in this story quite a bit. I love how

EVERYONE acts like NOTHING HAPPENED! It's the craziest way to deal

with things, but that's how my family is.

My nada goes crazy? " Stop rocking the boat. "

My brother goes to jail for drug dealing? Say nothing of it over the

holidays, be the perfect cheery family.

Jesus, someone is cheating, and even your father doesn't bat an eyelash.

I think the worst part of this whole concocted story is that you are

courageous enough to FEEL something. To recognize that this isn't

normal.

My therapist once told me that in family systems like this, when one

person stands up and begins to feel, they act like a " lightning " rod

for all the unprocessed emotion in the family. That means it's like

sticking two hands on a live electric wire. You get a huge

overwhelming emotional jolt. I think slowly with time, groups, and

processing, you can overcome this, but still... doesn't it suck?

To be that lone voice, in the house of crazies, thinking WTF? WTF?

Seriously.

And the worst, is that you walk away. You walk away from the crazies.

You are desperate to rebuild your life. But they're still there.

Still there in your head. Telling you you're not good enough, not to

try so hard, that you are selfish.

And you are so deflated, so defeated, so unsure how to get better, how

to recover from all this... that you flip on your computer, turn to

this group, write a post, hoping someone will read this and relate.

Anyone relate?

G.

>

> Hi all,

> Bpd and dysfunctional families always manage to surprise us, isn't

> it? I am usually trying to stay calm and balanced and I have to fight

> the intense and volatile behavior of my Nada. And now, after what

> happened on Friday, I don't understand why she and my father and my

> sister can stay so calm and indifferent, as if nothing happened, and

> I feel like screaming, screaming, screaming all of the rotten stuff

> out of me, to get it out of my system. My nada continues with the

> emotional incest: she confides in me with all her stories about both

> her sexual relationship or the lack of it with my father, like she's

> done to me since I was a twelve year old, and about her adulterous

> relationship with her lover since half a year now. Thanks to this

> board, I know that this has a name, and I can better understand why

> it feels like abuse. I cut off the phone, I walk away, but

> nevertheless things keep being smashed into my face and I just wish I

> did not know all this. So please allow me to vent here! Last Friday,

> my father came home earlier from his work than he'd expected and he

> found out nada and her lover in their bedroom. I don't need to say

> more. It's trivial, it's banal, it's universal, of all places and of

> all times. And I disapprove of it, but it does not surprise me; I

> knew this was bound to happen one day. What does however get to me is

> their reaction: as if nothing happened. They are so calm and passive.

> My mother continues to defend herself, does not show any remorse, on

> the contrary, she blames my father. No introspection on her part, no

> empathy with him, nothing. My sister: the same, more or less. My

> father: the same, more or less. Such enormous passivity! And my

> mother is not planning to stop in any way, and even told my father

> so. She also lied to him that this was the first time and he buys

> that lie, and also there she does not seem to feel any guilt or

> remorse. I really don't get it. I feel like when I would now talk to

> them I would throw them their passivity into their faces and I would

> scream to stop with the hypocrisy and either try to restore things or

> divorce each other. I could respect that decision. But this attitude

> is very difficult for me to respect.

> It is so weird that I would usually want my nada to be a bit calmer,

> and not to create emotional turmoil and crisis -- and now that there

> is a real crisis, they are all so quiet and subdued... are they in

> the process of denial already? I don't get it, and although I don't

> need to act or react to them in any way about this, it does confuse

> me that I don't know how to FEEL in this situation, about this

> situation... Am I now the one creating drama and crisis? I sure don't

> want to behave like a nada, so please tell me if you find that I

> exaggerate! I also don't know why I feel reluctant to tell my husband

> this; he does not know the latest development yet... any advice would

> be most welcome, Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Hi all,

> Bpd and dysfunctional families always manage to surprise us, isn't

> it? I am usually trying to stay calm and balanced and I have to fight

> the intense and volatile behavior of my Nada. And now, after what

> happened on Friday, I don't understand why she and my father and my

> sister can stay so calm and indifferent, as if nothing happened, and

> I feel like screaming, screaming, screaming all of the rotten stuff

> out of me, to get it out of my system...

Katrina-

I will echo some of the other responses here...your feelings are

normal, your families responses are not. For me, one of the challenges

when realizing my Nada was BPD was coming to terms with my Father's

role in all of this. Over the years, he has allowed Nada to paint his

family members black and white at will without seeming to care. He

could go months without seeing or speaking with his siblings and then

when Nada decides it's o.k., he just picks up where he left off. It's

part of their crazy-making pattern. What was difficult was when they

did it to me and I realized he didn't really agree with her, but just

went along. Why would he choose the side of crazy? With a BPD family

dynamic, it's not just that they are in the process of denial already

for any single event. Denial is a way of life. The way you and I

breathe, they deny. For whatever reason, they signed up for this

program and they aren't going to change. In my dad's case, I have to

believe it goes back to his family of origin. His family has mental

health issues. His grandmother killed herself. My grandmother never

spoke about it and even went so far as to pretend she didn't have a

brother that died at a young age due to alcoholism. He learned from an

expert how to pretend everything is o.k. when chaos is amuck.

By staying in denial, your father and your sister don't have to face

the painful truth. For them right now, the pain of staying the same is

less than the pain of change. So they stuff their emotions and pretend

to buy into your mother's story because it works for them for now.

Your dad, I'm sure, made his decision long ago to accept your mother's

behavior no matter what, just as my father did. We don't " get " that

dynamic because despite all that has happened, we are healthier. It

goes against what we know is right. Those enmeshed don't see the

boundaries between right and wrong any more. They are told what is

right and wrong and they accept that version of reality at all costs.

Otherwise, they would have to deal with a very difficult reality.

Hang in there. Your feelings of outrage are normal. You can choose to

distance yourself from the whole thing if that works for you. You

don't have to continue to be a pretender.

take care-

JJFan