A Small Triumph

[Guest guest]

I just wanted to share a little victory in the ongoing war with Nada.

Well, she came home a couple days ago, after a five day visit with my

not-a-sister (by the way, we really need to get a term for this; may

I suggest NASA or NASTE). Needless to say, it was heaven while she

was gone-no rages, no being an emotional dumping ground for her, in

short none of that Co-dependent BS. So, as I wrote in my earlier

post, she was going postal over a whole bushel of awful infractions.

For instance, I put the dishes in the wrong cabinet, her bathroom

floor was " full of towels " (it was just one bathmat), I had taken the

dog food scooper and left it on the counter instead of in the pantry,

I hadn't cleaned the floor sufficiently, etc, etc......I became

defensive, not a good strategy, I know, and retreated to my room.

Well, anyway, next morning Nada notices a chip on a bureau she has in

the living room (where no living is allowed to take place). What had

happended was that I had been playing with the dogs, we had been

running around, and one of the dogs tripped over the lamp cord,

pulling it off the table. I had thought everything was alright; I had

missed seeing the chip. So that morning, she calls me on this. I

should say that she is inconsistent in her housekeeping, just as in

every other sphere of life. She will frequently buy books she already

has, and her garage is so crowded with her purchases that you can't

fit a car in it. But on the other hand, if a certain ornament is

moved a centimeter out of place, she will notice it. Also, she is

very particular about how I do certain chores, and yet she lets the

dogs defecate and urinate all over the kitchen floor (no wonder I

couldn't get it clean enough!).

So she went into rage mode, and told me to get out. I spent the day

in the library (still haven't found a job). I stayed out as long as I

could, but it's very cold out right now, and I had to return

eventually. When I came back she started raging about my bathroom

being filthy (it wasn't). I don't know if it was because I was tired

and hungry and so feeling a little light-headed, but i just listened

to her stony faced and answered in monosyllables, showing no emotion

whatsoever.

When I went to bed that night I reflected on something: her rage over

the chipped bureau (which some people might identify with) was of

exactly the same intensity as the rage over all those infractions

mentioned earlier. How can you empathize or even take seriously

someone who gets enraged about everything. Instead of feeling guilty,

worthless, and unfairly persecuted, I was able to look at her

behavior clinically. Her rages are not my fault, even if I might

trigger them sometimes. And also, I am never going to win her love

and approval, so i need to stop caring about that. And also: when I

didnt get hoovered into her craziness last night, I felt proud and

strong. I control my reactions to her; I'm not her puppet. This last

point is the most important to me. Like many KOs and ACOAs, I feel I

have to be perfect all the time, and as a result I am hypersensitive

to criticism and perceived slights. I've always felt that if you let

someone get away with a put-down that it means you're weak. So I tend

to explode. But that isn't really being strong, is it? It's being out-

of-control. Last night, I felt strong when I didn't give into my

anger, although I was strongly tempted.

So, Congrats to me, huh!!!!!!

[Guest guest]

sherry,

I would say that is a huge truimph. Not engaging in their rages

and negative talk, just disengages them. It is not easy, but it is a

huge boundary because you are not reacting to their craziness.

I totally get the whole perfectionism, and your mother, like my

mother would do that exact same thing. Nothing was ever right and

you are always under their microscope. To this day I never feel like

my house is clean enough, and when nada visits she is checking me

out. I have the power over my inner child's thoughts- the adults

says- too bad nada- this is my life now!!

Stay strong and keep empowering YOU!

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " martinsherry16 "

wrote:

>

> I just wanted to share a little victory in the ongoing war with

Nada.

> Well, she came home a couple days ago, after a five day visit with

my

> not-a-sister (by the way, we really need to get a term for this;

may

> I suggest NASA or NASTE). Needless to say, it was heaven while she

> was gone-no rages, no being an emotional dumping ground for her,

in

> short none of that Co-dependent BS. So, as I wrote in my earlier

> post, she was going postal over a whole bushel of awful

infractions.

> For instance, I put the dishes in the wrong cabinet, her bathroom

> floor was " full of towels " (it was just one bathmat), I had taken

the

> dog food scooper and left it on the counter instead of in the

pantry,

> I hadn't cleaned the floor sufficiently, etc, etc......I became

> defensive, not a good strategy, I know, and retreated to my room.

>

> Well, anyway, next morning Nada notices a chip on a bureau she has

in

> the living room (where no living is allowed to take place). What

had

> happended was that I had been playing with the dogs, we had been

> running around, and one of the dogs tripped over the lamp cord,

> pulling it off the table. I had thought everything was alright; I

had

> missed seeing the chip. So that morning, she calls me on this. I

> should say that she is inconsistent in her housekeeping, just as

in

> every other sphere of life. She will frequently buy books she

already

> has, and her garage is so crowded with her purchases that you

can't

> fit a car in it. But on the other hand, if a certain ornament is

> moved a centimeter out of place, she will notice it. Also, she is

> very particular about how I do certain chores, and yet she lets

the

> dogs defecate and urinate all over the kitchen floor (no wonder I

> couldn't get it clean enough!).

>

> So she went into rage mode, and told me to get out. I spent the

day

> in the library (still haven't found a job). I stayed out as long

as I

> could, but it's very cold out right now, and I had to return

> eventually. When I came back she started raging about my bathroom

> being filthy (it wasn't). I don't know if it was because I was

tired

> and hungry and so feeling a little light-headed, but i just

listened

> to her stony faced and answered in monosyllables, showing no

emotion

> whatsoever.

>

> When I went to bed that night I reflected on something: her rage

over

> the chipped bureau (which some people might identify with) was of

> exactly the same intensity as the rage over all those infractions

> mentioned earlier. How can you empathize or even take seriously

> someone who gets enraged about everything. Instead of feeling

guilty,

> worthless, and unfairly persecuted, I was able to look at her

> behavior clinically. Her rages are not my fault, even if I might

> trigger them sometimes. And also, I am never going to win her love

> and approval, so i need to stop caring about that. And also: when

I

> didnt get hoovered into her craziness last night, I felt proud and

> strong. I control my reactions to her; I'm not her puppet. This

last

> point is the most important to me. Like many KOs and ACOAs, I feel

I

> have to be perfect all the time, and as a result I am

hypersensitive

> to criticism and perceived slights. I've always felt that if you

let

> someone get away with a put-down that it means you're weak. So I

tend

> to explode. But that isn't really being strong, is it? It's being

out-

> of-control. Last night, I felt strong when I didn't give into my

> anger, although I was strongly tempted.

>

> So, Congrats to me, huh!!!!!!

>

[Guest guest]

Woo hoo!! Here is a big virtual high-five for you, martinsherry!!

*SMACK!* Yes, that is a big milestone step: to be able to distance

yourself emotionally, step back, and look at your mentally ill mother

with different, adult eyes. That being able to not take their rages

personally is a big, big step.

I know exactly what you are talking about, because when we were

growing up I would get screamed and raged at with the same intensity

for accidentally spilling a glass of milk as for doing something

intentionally bad (like being mean to my little Sister.) There was no

" level control " with our nada, or, almost none.

Here's hoping you can get a job and move out of your nada's home ASAP.

That's got to be just pure hell living with her. Ugh.

-Annie

>

> I just wanted to share a little victory in the ongoing war with Nada.

> Well, she came home a couple days ago, after a five day visit with my

> not-a-sister (by the way, we really need to get a term for this; may

> I suggest NASA or NASTE). Needless to say, it was heaven while she

> was gone-no rages, no being an emotional dumping ground for her, in

> short none of that Co-dependent BS. So, as I wrote in my earlier

> post, she was going postal over a whole bushel of awful infractions.

> For instance, I put the dishes in the wrong cabinet, her bathroom

> floor was " full of towels " (it was just one bathmat), I had taken the

> dog food scooper and left it on the counter instead of in the pantry,

> I hadn't cleaned the floor sufficiently, etc, etc......I became

> defensive, not a good strategy, I know, and retreated to my room.

>

> Well, anyway, next morning Nada notices a chip on a bureau she has in

> the living room (where no living is allowed to take place). What had

> happended was that I had been playing with the dogs, we had been

> running around, and one of the dogs tripped over the lamp cord,

> pulling it off the table. I had thought everything was alright; I had

> missed seeing the chip. So that morning, she calls me on this. I

> should say that she is inconsistent in her housekeeping, just as in

> every other sphere of life. She will frequently buy books she already

> has, and her garage is so crowded with her purchases that you can't

> fit a car in it. But on the other hand, if a certain ornament is

> moved a centimeter out of place, she will notice it. Also, she is

> very particular about how I do certain chores, and yet she lets the

> dogs defecate and urinate all over the kitchen floor (no wonder I

> couldn't get it clean enough!).

>

> So she went into rage mode, and told me to get out. I spent the day

> in the library (still haven't found a job). I stayed out as long as I

> could, but it's very cold out right now, and I had to return

> eventually. When I came back she started raging about my bathroom

> being filthy (it wasn't). I don't know if it was because I was tired

> and hungry and so feeling a little light-headed, but i just listened

> to her stony faced and answered in monosyllables, showing no emotion

> whatsoever.

>

> When I went to bed that night I reflected on something: her rage over

> the chipped bureau (which some people might identify with) was of

> exactly the same intensity as the rage over all those infractions

> mentioned earlier. How can you empathize or even take seriously

> someone who gets enraged about everything. Instead of feeling guilty,

> worthless, and unfairly persecuted, I was able to look at her

> behavior clinically. Her rages are not my fault, even if I might

> trigger them sometimes. And also, I am never going to win her love

> and approval, so i need to stop caring about that. And also: when I

> didnt get hoovered into her craziness last night, I felt proud and

> strong. I control my reactions to her; I'm not her puppet. This last

> point is the most important to me. Like many KOs and ACOAs, I feel I

> have to be perfect all the time, and as a result I am hypersensitive

> to criticism and perceived slights. I've always felt that if you let

> someone get away with a put-down that it means you're weak. So I tend

> to explode. But that isn't really being strong, is it? It's being out-

> of-control. Last night, I felt strong when I didn't give into my

> anger, although I was strongly tempted.

>

> So, Congrats to me, huh!!!!!!

>