Re: nada strikes again

[Guest guest]

Yes, holidays seem to bring out the worst in our bpd parents.

Its very assertive and adult of you to go NC with your nada since she

(and your dad) chose to violate the boundary you set (which is the

equivalent of her flipping you the bird and saying, " Eff you, you

can't tell ME what to do! " ) many kudos to you for enforcing the

consequences!!

From what you've described, it does not sound to me like there is any

danger of your husband " caving in " and trying to placate your nada.

To me it sounds like he's got her pegged and does not care one iota if

she is pleased with him or not, which is so very healthy of him. It

sounds like you have a very good partner, there. You are so very lucky!

The " NC " is probably much, much harder on you than it is on him, so

I'm guessing that you are more in danger of caving in than he is.

If I were you, I'd lavish extra love, attention, and goodies on him to

show him how very much you appreciate his strength, love, and

emotional support throughout all this ridiculous, hateful, spiteful

bpd drama and upset: make it clear that you want to make it very, very

worth his while to continue being your " buffer. " (wink, wink!)

And continue to ignore your nada, absolutely.

Have a blissfully peaceful, drama-free, and bpd-free holiday season!

-Annie

>

> Thanksgiving is coming so it isn't unusual that the mad tea party

> must continue, right?

>

> DH was always the " buffer " for years with nada. Everytime we'd have

> a fight, they'd call him, he'd smooth it out. He is an easygoing

> person with a normal family. The last few years she's gotten sicker

> and he doesn't want her hurting me/the kids/him. So while he was

> always kind when we saw them, conversations about me/any fights were

> completely off limits, he made it clear.

>

> So I finally went NC in October. I had done LC (1x a month) for a few

> months and her and fada exploded. They pushed and they pushed, I

> held my ground and said " nope, 1x a month. " That was all I could

> stomach seeing them. They pushed and got info out of my 4 year old

> (during the 1x a month visit) and showed up at an event. A huge

> blowup, I freaked out and told them they lost the 1x a month

> priviledge because they couldn't respect those boundaries and showed

> up where they weren't wanted/invited. Anyway....so now n/c.

>

> She has been " punishing " DH because he will no longer allow her to

> hurt us (for 1-2 years now he has put his foot down) and for instance

> on his birthday she gave him a lot less than me (always was the

> same) He doesn't care about the gift amount one bit, we've never

> been controlled by their $ (as is my brother) but he said she made a

> clear statment to him. What's grosser about her behavior is that his

> dad died 3 years ago, now his mom in the beginning of the year. He's

> an orphan and not even 40 and on his first birthday without a mother

> or father she sticks it to him? And he had real parents that loved

> us. That is what she has always won her awards for - kicking

> people when they are down.

>

> So anyway, today in the mail I get three cards from nada. One for

> each kid, and one addressed only to me. Now I am sure they are

> Thanksgiving cards but no, I will not open them. I stopped opening

> any type of correspondence she has sent us months ago. I just throw

> it in the trash.

>

> Is this sick or what? To now try to hurt my DH because he " sides

> with me " She has been screaming at him for years now saying " why do

> you side with HER " (Um, he is my husband and he sees the truth?!)

> So now the punishment sets in. I hope DH doesn't cower to her and

> start calling her because she has painted him black. He's not used to

> this and may try to look for her love. I sure hope he is smarter than

> that and sees this as a disgusting act on her part, as usual.

>

> Thanks for letting me vent here. I appreciate it more than you know.

> I vent to a few friends but it is so hard for them to understand

> because they actually got real mothers.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, I am new to this site, can you please tell me what " nada " and " Dh " stand

for...I have a mothe rwith BPD and have been anxious about Thanksgiving for a

month already and it has already been a huge yelling, screaming fight with her

saying " fine, I'll stay home " and I said " fine, do that " although, now it will be

a game, of who calls who and she wants me to call her and BEG for her to come

over!!!!! My parents live 15 minutes away and I haven't seen them since July,. I

feel very badly that my dad suffers for her insanity!!!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, November 21, 2008 2:46:05 PM

Subject: nada strikes again

Thanksgiving is coming so it isn't unusual that the mad tea party

must continue, right?

DH was always the " buffer " for years with nada. Everytime we'd have

a fight, they'd call him, he'd smooth it out.. He is an easygoing

person with a normal family. The last few years she's gotten sicker

and he doesn't want her hurting me/the kids/him. So while he was

always kind when we saw them, conversations about me/any fights were

completely off limits, he made it clear.

So I finally went NC in October. I had done LC (1x a month) for a few

months and her and fada exploded. They pushed and they pushed, I

held my ground and said " nope, 1x a month. " That was all I could

stomach seeing them. They pushed and got info out of my 4 year old

(during the 1x a month visit) and showed up at an event. A huge

blowup, I freaked out and told them they lost the 1x a month

priviledge because they couldn't respect those boundaries and showed

up where they weren't wanted/invited. Anyway....so now n/c.

She has been " punishing " DH because he will no longer allow her to

hurt us (for 1-2 years now he has put his foot down) and for instance

on his birthday she gave him a lot less than me (always was the

same) He doesn't care about the gift amount one bit, we've never

been controlled by their $ (as is my brother) but he said she made a

clear statment to him. What's grosser about her behavior is that his

dad died 3 years ago, now his mom in the beginning of the year. He's

an orphan and not even 40 and on his first birthday without a mother

or father she sticks it to him? And he had real parents that loved

us. That is what she has always won her awards for - kicking

people when they are down.

So anyway, today in the mail I get three cards from nada. One for

each kid, and one addressed only to me. Now I am sure they are

Thanksgiving cards but no, I will not open them. I stopped opening

any type of correspondence she has sent us months ago. I just throw

it in the trash.

Is this sick or what? To now try to hurt my DH because he " sides

with me " She has been screaming at him for years now saying " why do

you side with HER " (Um, he is my husband and he sees the truth?!)

So now the punishment sets in. I hope DH doesn't cower to her and

start calling her because she has painted him black. He's not used to

this and may try to look for her love. I sure hope he is smarter than

that and sees this as a disgusting act on her part, as usual.

Thanks for letting me vent here. I appreciate it more than you know.

I vent to a few friends but it is so hard for them to understand

because they actually got real mothers.