new member, mother-in-law with BP, any advice?

[Guest guest]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone would be able to help me with some

advice or strategies. I did not grow up with a parent with BP, however

my husband did. The only problem is, that he has no clue that his

mother has BP. He just thinks she is " difficult to deal with " .

However, she is classic BPD. About every 2-3 weeks she finds some

reason to call one of her sons (both over 30!), and start attacking

them with something they may have done wrong. She makes them feel

guilty and as if they do not love her enough or care about her enough

to do whatever it is she has asked of them. It has gotten so

ridiculous, as she as gotten mad because we bought a different gift

for someone than the one she suggested we get. She will also call one

son to vent about the other, in an almost attempt to start a family

feud. I see how this effects her sons. I am just concerned, because as

relatively newlyweds (less than a year), I see how she tries to

portray herself as the " more powerful female " in his life. I am

concerned for our future as a couple and as a family. Any time I try

and approach him about his mother's behavior, it somehow gets turned

into how I do not like her. I was just wondering if anyone had any

advice on how I could help my husband to realize that his mother's

behavior is not " typical " and how to possibly help him cope with her

enraged outbursts at him.

Thanks in advance!

-

[Guest guest]

Your mother-in-law's behaviors sound like classic bpd to me. We too

referred to my nada (we refer to bpd mothers as " nada " here, for

" not-a-mom " , and " fada " is a bpd father) as " difficult " when I was

growing up, not knowing about personality disorders at the time.

If you check out the book " Stop Walking on Eggshells " there is a page

with a list of behaviors that bpds display frequently. Maybe you

could just xerox that page and give it to him at the right time; for

example, the next time he says something like, " I just don't know what

to do about mom. "

When he reads that list of behaviors, it will probably be a

" light-bulb " moment for him, and if he seems willing to learn more you

could then give him the whole book to read.

At this point, since he seems to be just trying to cope as best he

can, all you can do for him is be supportive to him without

denigrating or putting down his mother. All that will do is put him

in a worse position: having to choose between pleasing you and

pleasing his mother, and it will be hell for him. Until he is finally

able to accept the truth, understand that his mother has a severe

mental illness, and that its OK to stand up to her and not accept

abuse from her, then its going to be pretty hard on the both of you.

-Annie

>

> Hi, I was wondering if anyone would be able to help me with some

> advice or strategies. I did not grow up with a parent with BP, however

> my husband did. The only problem is, that he has no clue that his

> mother has BP. He just thinks she is " difficult to deal with " .

> However, she is classic BPD. About every 2-3 weeks she finds some

> reason to call one of her sons (both over 30!), and start attacking

> them with something they may have done wrong. She makes them feel

> guilty and as if they do not love her enough or care about her enough

> to do whatever it is she has asked of them. It has gotten so

> ridiculous, as she as gotten mad because we bought a different gift

> for someone than the one she suggested we get. She will also call one

> son to vent about the other, in an almost attempt to start a family

> feud. I see how this effects her sons. I am just concerned, because as

> relatively newlyweds (less than a year), I see how she tries to

> portray herself as the " more powerful female " in his life. I am

> concerned for our future as a couple and as a family. Any time I try

> and approach him about his mother's behavior, it somehow gets turned

> into how I do not like her. I was just wondering if anyone had any

> advice on how I could help my husband to realize that his mother's

> behavior is not " typical " and how to possibly help him cope with her

> enraged outbursts at him.

>

> Thanks in advance!

>

> -

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, .

I'm pretty confident that my mom has bpd, and that both of my

grandmothers did, too. My father had one brother, and according to

MY mother, my grandmother used to call her and my aunt all the time--

often several times a day--to badmouth the other one. Just like your

mother-in-law is doing to her sons. So yes, I would agree that that

behaviour goes in the " personality disorder " column ;-)

It sounds like your husband is still in denial. I know that must

feel frustrating for you when it seems so obvious. But it is very

common for many KOs (kids of borderlines) to stay in that denial

phase for a long time. It's a coping mechanism that we have to

develop in order to survive.

I would recommend setting some personal boundaries and encouraging

your husband to do the same. This has got to be extra-stressful

because you are newlyweds. If you perceive that his mother is making

a power play for his devotion, you are probably right. Trust your

instinct. I imagine that her behaviour in that regard must bother

you a lot--it would certainly bother me! If so, that's an

opportunity to set a boundary with your husband. Let him know that

you and he have formed a new family, and that you are now the woman

in his life. That doesn't mean he has to choose between you, just

that you expect him to defend you and respect you, and that you

expect to be his priority.

I would also say something like, " I notice your mother yells at you a

lot. I find that unacceptable. Even if you had done something wrong-

-which you haven't--you still deserve to be spoken to with respect. "

If your husband is not ready to set boundaries with his mother yet, I

think you have to respect that, as much as it bothers you. What

would be great is if he gets to the point where he can tell her, " You

know, Mom, I'm not for yelling at. Why don't you call me back

tomorrow when you've had a chance to calm down. " OR " I am

uncomfortable when you call to say negative things about Brother.

Let's not talk about him anymore, okay? "

If your MIL has BPD, your dh will not have any of the tools for

dealing with her in a healthy way yet. A good place to get them is

in therapy. You can help him by being supportive, and by making it

clear that you are happy he loves his mother, but that you are not

happy with her behaviour, or the ways her behaviour affects your

husband. You can make a statement like, " When your mother _yells at

you_s, I feel _angry_ and _sad_, because I love you and know you

don't deserve to be treated that way. " or some similar statement.

Also, there are lots of books out there. The poster above

recommended SWOE, which is a good start and the first place I ever

realized my mother fit BPD criteria. There is also a SWOE workbook.

Also, Understanding the Borderline Mother was enlightening for me.

It was like reading a really good horoscope or something, just

described my parents to a T in great detail. I enjoyed Surviving a

Borderline Parent also.

Even if your husband is not ready to read these, it sounds like you

might benefit from them. There may be some boundaries you can set

with her directly, when she is interacting directly with you or in

your presence and behaves inappropriately. The books above will help

you know how to do that.

Best of luck with this journey. I am glad that your husband already

has your support. If he ever decides to re-examine his perception of

reality, he will have an easier time because you are already on his

side. I am thankful for all the support my husband gave me on this

journey, all the countless times he held me while I cried and told me

that I'm not worthless and that I deserve to be treated better than

the way my mother treats me. It saved me for sure. He helped me

realize I wasn't crazy and that her behaviour was wrong. Keep

reminding your husband that he is not in control of his mother's

feelings or reactions, and that you love him and want the best for

him and for your marriage.

Happy holidays.

>

> Hi, I was wondering if anyone would be able to help me with some

> advice or strategies. I did not grow up with a parent with BP,

however

> my husband did. The only problem is, that he has no clue that his

> mother has BP. He just thinks she is " difficult to deal with " .

> However, she is classic BPD. About every 2-3 weeks she finds some

> reason to call one of her sons (both over 30!), and start attacking

> them with something they may have done wrong. She makes them feel

> guilty and as if they do not love her enough or care about her

enough

> to do whatever it is she has asked of them. It has gotten so

> ridiculous, as she as gotten mad because we bought a different gift

> for someone than the one she suggested we get. She will also call

one

> son to vent about the other, in an almost attempt to start a family

> feud. I see how this effects her sons. I am just concerned, because

as

> relatively newlyweds (less than a year), I see how she tries to

> portray herself as the " more powerful female " in his life. I am

> concerned for our future as a couple and as a family. Any time I try

> and approach him about his mother's behavior, it somehow gets turned

> into how I do not like her. I was just wondering if anyone had any

> advice on how I could help my husband to realize that his mother's

> behavior is not " typical " and how to possibly help him cope with her

> enraged outbursts at him.

>

> Thanks in advance!

>

> -

>