HELP!!! NADA's GUILT-RIDDEN LETTER

[Guest guest]

If no one remembers my story, let me refresh you all.  I have a BPD sister and a

BP Mom.  I have been involved in their dysfunction for 29 years.  I am now 32,

and have been NC for 3 years.  I went NC after a string of chaotic enmeshed

outbursts.  My sister went on a drug binge and broke into her neighbor's home at

5 AM.  She is a mom of 3 and at the time of the incident, they were 1, 3, and

6.  The kids were almost taken away by the State, and she was arrested and Baker

Acted into 72 hour lockdown of psych ward.  She got her kids back thanks to my

mother, rescuing the situation.  But, I was blamed for not being in my role, the

typical scapegoat family rescuer, who never let anybody down.  You see, I was

specifically trained for that role for 29 years.  In the past 3 years, I have

maintained a marriage, which was bound to end, because of all the chaos.  I go

to therapy and go to CoDA.  I have really worked on myself and worked on

relieving my guilt, because believe me, I DID LIVE IN THE FOG!!!!

 

Since then, against the wishes of my therapist, I have answered some of the

emails from my mom.  At first, they were just Hi dear, just wrote to say I love

you.  Or, Happy Birthday, etc. etc.  Now, I know that they are just hooks.  I

have not wanted to answer her emails, and I was doing really good the first 2

years, but this 3rd year has been really hard on me.  I miss my nephew, and my

nieces, and by going NC with mom and sis, I haven't been able to see them grow. 

This year, my younger half-sister (my dad remarried) is getting married. She has

had engagement parties and graduation events, etc, and I have been faced with my

BP sis on several family occasions.  We don't speak, but at least she doesn't

keep her kids from talking to me.  It's difficult to be in the same room, but

I've managed.

 

Now, I did put one boundary up with my mom, that I am okay with emails on

Holidays.  Again, this is against the wishes of my therapist, but I figured with

the strength I have gained over the years, I could be fine with that.  But, it

seems I just giving BP mom, false hope.  She wrote me and said Happy

Thanksgiving, and I wrote her back with the same wishes.  However, this is the

response that I got from that one:  And I quote...

 

" Still have the apts over there?

I know what you said, Mandy, & I have sat back & waited for 3 years while u

healed your COda. 3 times u gave me hope that we would have a meeting & set

boundaries only to give me more disappointments from WHOMEVER you are coda on

now & giving u advice. 

3yearsMandy! I think that shows I am capable of boundaries. I would give

anything to have another 3 years with my mom. I am 62 years old & someday u will

understand how I feel. You r missing out on a lot of luv, fun, trips, shopping

and movies with a person who loves u very much .. Always have, always will.

U r not dead, yet I have had to grieve & behave as tho u are. As a mother ,as

long as u r alive, I will continue to try to see you and talk to u. As a

daughter, you are not going to tell me what to do anymore. Whatever makes u

happy, YOU do it. I am convinced now, that you don't ever want to see me again.

I am sick over it, devastated, hurt beyond the imagination and I don't deserve

it. I've been taking medicine for 10 years  for a dianosis a psychiatrist made

after talking to me for 1 1/2 hours. As far as your book goes, I have read it

twice and I believe most people fit one of those catagories.  Pretty much sums

up everyone,doesn't it?

Love momma "

The thing about BPD, is that the BP doesn't think they have BPD.  As you can

plainly see, after I asked her to read " The Borderline Mother " a long time ago. 

One thing I know for sure, is that they will never change.  It is ME that has to

continue to change.  I think I am happiest when I am NC, because I do not have

my heart torn into pieces and guilt consuming me and crying all the time.  I

think there was a reason my therapist told me to ignore emails.  Guess I have

learned my lesson.  Thoughts, anyone?

Love,

Mandy