Re: Elder abuse?

December 29, 2008

I don't think you are overreacting.

My nada's mother (we called her Nana) had parkinsons. The last five years of

her life, she was basically bedridden, needed help to get out of bed to a

chair where she spent most of her days, help on and off the toliet, bathing,

eating, ect. Nana lived in a small town on a farm in the middle of nowhere,

and Nada lived about ten minutes away.

Nada did nothing but bitch and complain about having to help her mother for

YEARS. She and her brother paid for a housekeeper to come once a week since

my grandfather was not much help himself (he is a little bit loopy, but not

what I would call dementia. And grew up in another generation where he never

had to do anything around the house).

Every time we would go to visit all I would hear was complaints about my

grandmother. The last time we saw my grandmother alive was a year ago, at

Christmas. I had made a six hour trip, pregnant with my third child,

bringing my kids and husband with me to visit for Christmas. We went out to

my grandmothers home to visit. My Nada complained the whole way about how my

grandmother 'just didn't understand how hard it was to bring the kids and

presents out there to see her'. As if my BEDRIDDEN GRANDMOTHER was at

fault!!! Then when we got to grandmothers house, Nada made an excuse about

forgetting a present and having to go back to her home.

She then asked my 4 and 3 year olds if they wanted to come with her to get

the presents. We hadn't even been there for 5 minutes! And she didn't ask me

first, she just walked out the door wiht my kids (I could have stopped them,

but I wasn't going to have my kids crying for half an hour when that is the

only time they see my grandmother). I found out later she left them sitting

in the car with my brother for twenty minutes while she wrapped persents.

The ONLY reason she took them along was to be in 'control'.

Anyway, on many occasions I begged and pleaded my mother to get power of

attorney and put my grandmother in a home. My grandfather was not capable of

taking care of her, could not life her, would go out to the fields to work

and leave her alone, sometimes sitting on her potty. The house was always a

mess, even with the maid. No one would come and visit them. I feel horrible

for not doing more myself, but I live over 5 hours away and was not in a

position to be her gardian.

Last Feb my grandmother passed away, and ever since then it's been nothing

but drama from Nada. Everything is SO HARd because my grandmother is dead.

It's her favorite new tool for guilt trips. Every time I don't do what she

wants, she envokes how her mother is dead and she never appreciated her and

SOMEDAY I will understand what a 'mother's love' is like once nada is gone.

The day after the funeral she cornered me saying how she thought that SHE

should get my grandmother jewlery and wanting to know what she thought my

grandfather had done with it, and saying how THE DAUGHTER should get the

jewlery always, and asking me what I thought. I told her that if my

grandfather wanted to keep it that sounded reasonable since it was HIS WIFE.

She is super worried about who will get the land and money now. It makes me

sick.

I have to bite my tounge not to tell her that if she had acted like a loving

daughter and taken better care of my grandmother, maybe she would still be

with us.

I'm sorry that was so long. The short of it is, yes, my nada does this and

it's horrible. They prey on anyone they think is weak.

> I am just wondering if I am overreacting to this situation. Nada is

> one of 4 siblings and the only one who hasn't moved away from the

> parents (my grandparents) who are now quite elderly. They still live

> alone, but need rides to doctors appointments, financial advice, etc.

> I have to contact with my grandparents because they are opposed to me

> being NC with nada, but I have been hearing things through the

> grapevine that are making me think there is a big problem. My

> grandmother is a silly, extremely mentally ill person herself who

> won't stand up for herself. I've watched nada my whole life bring up

> stuff from the past and make my grandmother cry. I've never figured

> out what that accomplished or why she even bothered to do it. Now as

> the grandparents are older, I feel nada is abandoning them yet giving

> the appearance of the attentive caregiver. Nada has worked in health

> care in the past, yet when my grandpa needed help with a catheter and

> called her she brought up something from the bible and said she

> couldn't see her parents naked and refused to help at all. Most

> recently I have heard that grandpa yelled at her for something

> (nothing new about this) so she decided to not give them Christmas

> presents and didn't spend Christmas with them. I have been

> manipulated into going to my parents' house since the early 1990s for

> Christmas with the story of " It will probably be grandpa's last

> Christmas so we all have to be together, etc. " Now it does seem

> highly likely that one or both of the grandparents won't make it much

> longer and this is how she is acting.

>

> Nada's three siblings live many hours away and are trusting that she

> is taking care of the elderly parents. I also live about 5 hours from

> the whole situation and am pregnant so I'm not going to go check it

> out. I just hate to see that this situation is happening.

>

> Am I overreacting?

>

> le

>

--

December 29, 2008

Well, you've got a complicated situation there, for sure.

In my opinion, you should be able to visit your elderly grandparents

any time you want to, just to say hello, if they will let you visit

them (re their not being in contact with you at the moment.)

If you aren't allowed to drop in and visit them, then, I'd ask another

family member to do so, or arrange for a social services worker to

please go over there and do an assessment.

Someone needs to assess whether their place is clean or filthy, if

they have plenty of food in their kitchen or not, if they are both

clean and wearing clean clothes, if they have any untreated/infected

sores or bad bruises on their bodies, etc., etc.

If there are signs of physical neglect or abuse, then I suggest that

you go talk to a lawyer about what your next steps might be RE the

custody of and care of these elderly people. If their physical needs

are being met adequately but you suspect that they are being

emotionally abused by your nada, then, maybe ask for advice from a

psychologist on what your options might be.

As far as my own situation, I do not feel personally obligated to be

the caretaker of my elderly nada when she becomes too incapacitated to

take care of herself, but both my Sister and I do feel obligated to

oversee her care. Right now Sister and I are thinking that when the

time comes, we'll find an in-home, part-time caregiver service

( " granny nanny " ) for nada as long as that is viable, then an

assisted-living facility when nada needs full-time supervision.

Neither of us feel obligated to have our nada in our home, though.

-Annie