Re: Sorry - need to vent

[Guest guest]

Yep, this is a good place to vent. We know exactly what you are

talking about.

Its painful to come to the realization and the acceptance that our

parents and/or siblings are basically mentally ill, that they most

likely will never own their hateful behaviors and will continue to

torture us as long as we remain in contact with them.

I have gradually developed a kind of substitute family; its a group of

people I've come to know over the years who share a similar interest

(with many overlapping side-interests) and who like to get together

for socializing, dining, parties, expeditions, etc.

I'll take spending time with my " substitute family " anytime over

spending time with my bpd mom. I rarely see my nada (bpd mom) at the

big " family " holiday times anymore, but that's OK because I see my

friends instead. I wish I could spend more time with my Sister and

her son, but they live across the country (where nada lives) and I

just can't afford to do much traveling any more.

It took me decades to realize that I was not obligated to spend all my

precious vacation time with my nada. I was sort of brainwashed into

believing that I owed my vacation time to her, so now I don't do that

and I'm much happier.

I finally realized that life is too short to keep allowing myself to

get kicked in the teeth by my nada, who believes that she never does

anything wrong, and that all problems are caused by other people,

never herself. Who needs that? I sure don't!

-Annie

>

> I really need to vent tonight. Sorry. But thank you so much for

> providing a space for me to do that.

>

> I still have contact with my family, and I think that is probably my

> problem, but I am having such a hard time just breaking away. I am

> currently a graduate student and live several states away from my

> family, but chose to come home for the holidays. I didn't want to be

> alone on Christmas and I wanted to spend New Year's with my friends

> from home, plus my dad's birthday is Dec. 29th. My parents don't

> really speak to anyone else in the family, so it was just my parents,

> my sister, and I. In the short time that I have been here, I have been

> reminded of how inferior, ungrateful, moody, snippy, etc I am, while

> having to rearrange schedules because my sister's " boyfriend " chose to

> drive into town a day early. Maybe I'm just jealous, but my parents do

> kind of have a track record of favoring her - they've co-signed loans

> for her, bought her a car, took her on multiple college tours, none of

> which they've done for me, all in addition to the smaller " let her

> have her way " favors that continued throughout our childhood. I've

> realized during this stay that I will never be as important to my

> family as I might like to be, especially since I grew up taking care

> of my mother and my sister (who is only 3 years younger).

>

> Anyway, we celebrated my father's birthday tonight with my sister

> making dinner and a cake. My sister was out all day, and I was

> supposed to be out with friend, but she got delayed so we ended up

> meeting up at 4pm. We agreed that dinner would be at 6 instead of at 5

> as had originally been planned, because sister's bf was running late.

> At 5:54pm, I get a text message from my sister asking whether I am

> coming to dinner. I was literally 2 minutes away at a coffeehouse,

> which she knew; I texted back that yes I was coming and I thought

> dinner was at 6. I immediately get another text saying that dinner is

> done. By the time I get home, dinner is served and the three of them

> are already eating. Best part, my sister made a pasta dish with plenty

> of oil, which I haven't been able to eat since I was in middle school

> (I have digestive problems). My family knows this, but they don't

> believe anything I say about any type of medical issue, nor have they

> ever (I walked around with a broken hip for 8 months because my mother

> thought I wanted attention). So I kind of feel bad about not eating

> much of her dinner, but frankly I really didn't want diarrhea all

> night. Sister gets mad, says she's never making dinner for us again,

> storms out of the dining room, etc. Lovely family dinner. Sister's bf

> comes to pick her up (I can't stand him, another point of contention,

> but he's a drug dealer and carries guns everywhere he goes, and I'm

> pretty sure he's only using her for sex), but of course my parents

> love him - at least one daughter has a bf and might get married. Sigh.

> That's perfectly fine, but me asking my mother not to do some gesture

> in my face that she knows annoys me is cause for her to snap at me and

> ask why I'm being so miserable about everything.

>

> I just love family bonding. So now I'm kind of hungry, really annoyed,

> and lonely and cold up in my old bedroom. Love it.

>

> Sorry this is so long - I didn't intend it to be. I'm not even really

> that mad about tonight - it's not like it's unusual or anything,

> that's for sure. I guess I'm just upset about what it represents. I

> feel like I don't really have a family, and nothing has really changed

> even though I feel like I've changed a lot since I've been gone. I

> kind of want to avoid them; I certainly don't want to feel like this

> every time I come home, but I feel so guilty. A part of me really

> wants to just hate my mother/nada, but if she truly is bpd, then

> shouldn't I feel bad for her? And I swear my sister is as dramatic and

> narcissistic as my mother. I just can't stand it. And of course I have

> to question whether I'm the one that's crazy, sitting alone avoiding

> nada downstairs.

>

> Thanks for reading this if you got this far! And thanks again for

> providing a space to vent - it really does help a lot!

>

[Guest guest]

Hey,

Sorry to hear about your Dad's birthday dinner and everything getting all

screwed up.  Since you said it's not like it's unusual than at least you didn't

have your expectations shattered. I think you have alot of insight and good self

preservation skills.  I'm sad for you coming to the realization that you don't

really have a family.  That is a tough to accept especially when you are still

so young.  I think your living several states away and going to graduate school

has allowed you time and space to become your own person.  You come back home,

and nothing really surprises you. It still hurts, it still can make you sad,

 and angry, and annoyed but, you have become aware.

I experienced similar situation with my family ( I always felt good when I saw

my father, although I was never " allowed " to spend time with him).  It seemed

any time anything was planned it always turned out bad. Always turned into some

sort of ugly scene or somehow I would feel like the one who wasn't accepted or

belonged in the family.  I could never understand why and often wondered was it

my nada, was it my brother or mainly was it me??  I remember sitting alone

upstairs in my old bedroom for many years avoiding my nada (right up until she

sold her house 11 years ago and I was in my late 40's).  I wondered if I was

crazy too thinking that why as an adult am I still reverting back to coping

skills I developed as a child-steer clear of nada or else.  You are not the

crazy one.  You seem to have assessed the situation and your being upstairs is

probably very healthy for you, but, also sad.  It's not the way family occasions

should be and I

know you'd like it to have turned out differently.  I wish I had had that

awareness a long time ago.  I always came home with expectations of that perfect

happy " hallmark card " sort of family and always left beaten down, depressed and

disillusioned.  You seem to have accepted what is and not dream of what you

would like it to be.  I learned a saying once that I've never forgotten:

" Acceptance is painful, but, it stops the suffering " .

I always used to wish my nada would just stay the same way so it would be easier

for me just to hate her.  I wanted to hate her my whole life for all the things

she has said and done to me, for the way she always treated my brother

differently and how  he could do no wrong and I only did wrong. I only learned

about BPD 1/2 year ago and I have also felt that if my mother does have this

disorder than shouldn't I be able to be more compassionate, caring and loving as

a daughter?  If someone had an illness isn't that the way we should be?  I think

that, as with anything, we have to come first. If you are constatnly feeling,

hurt, annoyed, angry, sad with any interactions with your family than you have

to be able to detach (emotionally or physically).  You can feel for your mom,

but, that doesn't mean you have to accept abuse. I think instead of feeling you

should feel bad for her I think you can now understand better why she behaves

the way she does. It

doesn't excuse her-maybe the illness makes her less responsible for her

behavior, but, she is always accountable for what she says and does.  As I said

I'm very new to all of this and this is only my opinion.  Others on this forum

have more knowledge and experience and can offer you support.

Hang in there-I think I spent more time alone in my old bedroom upstairs than

any other place at my parent's house! 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, December 28, 2008 12:55:43 AM

Subject: Sorry - need to vent

I really need to vent tonight. Sorry. But thank you so much for

providing a space for me to do that.

I still have contact with my family, and I think that is probably my

problem, but I am having such a hard time just breaking away. I am

currently a graduate student and live several states away from my

family, but chose to come home for the holidays. I didn't want to be

alone on Christmas and I wanted to spend New Year's with my friends

from home, plus my dad's birthday is Dec. 29th. My parents don't

really speak to anyone else in the family, so it was just my parents,

my sister, and I. In the short time that I have been here, I have been

reminded of how inferior, ungrateful, moody, snippy, etc I am, while

having to rearrange schedules because my sister's " boyfriend " chose to

drive into town a day early. Maybe I'm just jealous, but my parents do

kind of have a track record of favoring her - they've co-signed loans

for her, bought her a car, took her on multiple college tours, none of

which they've done for me, all in addition to the smaller " let her

have her way " favors that continued throughout our childhood. I've

realized during this stay that I will never be as important to my

family as I might like to be, especially since I grew up taking care

of my mother and my sister (who is only 3 years younger).

Anyway, we celebrated my father's birthday tonight with my sister

making dinner and a cake. My sister was out all day, and I was

supposed to be out with friend, but she got delayed so we ended up

meeting up at 4pm. We agreed that dinner would be at 6 instead of at 5

as had originally been planned, because sister's bf was running late.

At 5:54pm, I get a text message from my sister asking whether I am

coming to dinner. I was literally 2 minutes away at a coffeehouse,

which she knew; I texted back that yes I was coming and I thought

dinner was at 6. I immediately get another text saying that dinner is

done. By the time I get home, dinner is served and the three of them

are already eating. Best part, my sister made a pasta dish with plenty

of oil, which I haven't been able to eat since I was in middle school

(I have digestive problems). My family knows this, but they don't

believe anything I say about any type of medical issue, nor have they

ever (I walked around with a broken hip for 8 months because my mother

thought I wanted attention). So I kind of feel bad about not eating

much of her dinner, but frankly I really didn't want diarrhea all

night. Sister gets mad, says she's never making dinner for us again,

storms out of the dining room, etc. Lovely family dinner. Sister's bf

comes to pick her up (I can't stand him, another point of contention,

but he's a drug dealer and carries guns everywhere he goes, and I'm

pretty sure he's only using her for sex), but of course my parents

love him - at least one daughter has a bf and might get married. Sigh.

That's perfectly fine, but me asking my mother not to do some gesture

in my face that she knows annoys me is cause for her to snap at me and

ask why I'm being so miserable about everything.

I just love family bonding. So now I'm kind of hungry, really annoyed,

and lonely and cold up in my old bedroom. Love it.

Sorry this is so long - I didn't intend it to be. I'm not even really

that mad about tonight - it's not like it's unusual or anything,

that's for sure. I guess I'm just upset about what it represents. I

feel like I don't really have a family, and nothing has really changed

even though I feel like I've changed a lot since I've been gone. I

kind of want to avoid them; I certainly don't want to feel like this

every time I come home, but I feel so guilty. A part of me really

wants to just hate my mother/nada, but if she truly is bpd, then

shouldn't I feel bad for her? And I swear my sister is as dramatic and

narcissistic as my mother. I just can't stand it. And of course I have

to question whether I'm the one that's crazy, sitting alone avoiding

nada downstairs.

Thanks for reading this if you got this far! And thanks again for

providing a space to vent - it really does help a lot!

[Guest guest]

Let's imagine for a moment 3 people are stuck in a room together.

One is a quadripalegic who has no use of his arms or legs and would

not survive without a caretaker.

One has some muscle and joint stiffness that could be treated and

improved with exercise, but he refuses any kind of he treatment.

And the third is a relatively healthy person.

So, let's suppose the quadripalegic asks for help. That is

reasonable. The healthy person chooses to feed and care for the

paralyzed man while they are trapped together.

The second person refuses to help the parapalegic, claiming his

muscles are just too stiff and he can't move. Then, he tells the

healthy person to feed and clean him, too. That behavior is NOT

reasonable, because he has the ability to do things himself, even if

it is not as easy for him as it is for the healthy man.

Anyone would be right to feel guilty for NOT helping the paralized

man. But he should not feel guilty for expecting the second man to

help himself. IN FACT, if he were to cater to the second man's every

command, he would actually be doing that man a DISservice, because

exercise is beneficial to him.

A person with BPD is like the second man. There is real emotional

trauma there, but it is treatable and managable. HE HAS THE ABILITY

TO CHANGE HIS SITUATION BUT CHOOSES NOT TO. It is a real disorder--

but a treatable one.

I don't think you should feel guilty for being angry about your foo's

unreasonable behavior. They have the capacity to behave normally.

BPD is not an excuse to behave however they want.

>

> I really need to vent tonight. Sorry. But thank you so much for

> providing a space for me to do that.

>

> I still have contact with my family, and I think that is probably my

> problem, but I am having such a hard time just breaking away. I am

> currently a graduate student and live several states away from my

> family, but chose to come home for the holidays. I didn't want to be

> alone on Christmas and I wanted to spend New Year's with my friends

> from home, plus my dad's birthday is Dec. 29th. My parents don't

> really speak to anyone else in the family, so it was just my

parents,

> my sister, and I. In the short time that I have been here, I have

been

> reminded of how inferior, ungrateful, moody, snippy, etc I am, while

> having to rearrange schedules because my sister's " boyfriend " chose

to

> drive into town a day early. Maybe I'm just jealous, but my parents

do

> kind of have a track record of favoring her - they've co-signed

loans

> for her, bought her a car, took her on multiple college tours, none

of

> which they've done for me, all in addition to the smaller " let her

> have her way " favors that continued throughout our childhood. I've

> realized during this stay that I will never be as important to my

> family as I might like to be, especially since I grew up taking care

> of my mother and my sister (who is only 3 years younger).

>

> Anyway, we celebrated my father's birthday tonight with my sister

> making dinner and a cake. My sister was out all day, and I was

> supposed to be out with friend, but she got delayed so we ended up

> meeting up at 4pm. We agreed that dinner would be at 6 instead of

at 5

> as had originally been planned, because sister's bf was running

late.

> At 5:54pm, I get a text message from my sister asking whether I am

> coming to dinner. I was literally 2 minutes away at a coffeehouse,

> which she knew; I texted back that yes I was coming and I thought

> dinner was at 6. I immediately get another text saying that dinner

is

> done. By the time I get home, dinner is served and the three of them

> are already eating. Best part, my sister made a pasta dish with

plenty

> of oil, which I haven't been able to eat since I was in middle

school

> (I have digestive problems). My family knows this, but they don't

> believe anything I say about any type of medical issue, nor have

they

> ever (I walked around with a broken hip for 8 months because my

mother

> thought I wanted attention). So I kind of feel bad about not eating

> much of her dinner, but frankly I really didn't want diarrhea all

> night. Sister gets mad, says she's never making dinner for us again,

> storms out of the dining room, etc. Lovely family dinner. Sister's

bf

> comes to pick her up (I can't stand him, another point of

contention,

> but he's a drug dealer and carries guns everywhere he goes, and I'm

> pretty sure he's only using her for sex), but of course my parents

> love him - at least one daughter has a bf and might get married.

Sigh.

> That's perfectly fine, but me asking my mother not to do some

gesture

> in my face that she knows annoys me is cause for her to snap at me

and

> ask why I'm being so miserable about everything.

>

> I just love family bonding. So now I'm kind of hungry, really

annoyed,

> and lonely and cold up in my old bedroom. Love it.

>

> Sorry this is so long - I didn't intend it to be. I'm not even

really

> that mad about tonight - it's not like it's unusual or anything,

> that's for sure. I guess I'm just upset about what it represents. I

> feel like I don't really have a family, and nothing has really

changed

> even though I feel like I've changed a lot since I've been gone. I

> kind of want to avoid them; I certainly don't want to feel like this

> every time I come home, but I feel so guilty. A part of me really

> wants to just hate my mother/nada, but if she truly is bpd, then

> shouldn't I feel bad for her? And I swear my sister is as dramatic

and

> narcissistic as my mother. I just can't stand it. And of course I

have

> to question whether I'm the one that's crazy, sitting alone avoiding

> nada downstairs.

>

> Thanks for reading this if you got this far! And thanks again for

> providing a space to vent - it really does help a lot!

>