The Book Why is it Always About You

[Guest guest]

Hi;

If you haven't read Why Is It Always About You, go grab a copy at the library.

I'm about a quarter of the way through it and it's a very interesting read so

far. And it has already given me even more understanding of a damaged mind. It

deals specifically with narcissism. What helps me is the understanding of the

uselessness of trying to deal with these people. And that is a kind of freedom,

permission, if you will, to not try to fix or to take on the blame of someone's

behavior.

Who was it that said, " Losers give up and stay, winners give up and leave. "

Certainly mental illness is a sad state of affairs but like a tornado, we do

nothing to stop it if we allow it to suck us into its vortex. Hopefully this

book will help you too.

Oh and a quick note: it talks about the role a mother plays in the " creation " of

the narcissist, but in the case of the borderline, it's part of the genetic

package no matter how great a parent someone has been. Plus I know of several

situations (some in my family) where the treatment of a baby should have created

a narcissist, but did not.

Flowers in Oz

[Guest guest]

That's interesting, RE the book " Why Is It Always About You " proposing

that narcissists are created by bad parenting, but borderline pd

having a genetic component. It sounds like a fascinating read!

But I'm not sure I agree with that particular premise; the articles

I've been reading about brain research lean more toward the theory

that the whole set of " Cluster B " personality disorders (borderline

pd, narcissistic pd, histrionic pd and

sociopathic/anti-social/psychopathic pd) have both a genetic and

environmental component.

But I'm going to pick up that book, thanks for recommending it; I am

now fascinated by the whole question of how and why pds occur.

My own parents' background stories tend to support the theory that

genetics plays a more important role than environment/parenting. My

mother is the one with bpd (with a big dose of narcissistic traits

thrown in as well) but her two sisters do not have it. Her two

sisters are puzzled by my mother's claim that all three of them were

often beaten by their father and feared him, her sisters' memories of

their childhood together do not include abuse by their father or

neglect by their mother. My mother is the middle child, and all three

are close in age, so I tend to see my Aunts' perspectives as valid

based on my own memories of my mother's parents and how they behaved

toward me and my Sister. In my opinion, my mother simply, unluckily,

inherited the genes for borderline pd. (So, that tends to make me

believe that they must be recessive genes, and you have to have

inherited one recessive gene from each parent in order for the

disorder to manifest itself.)

My dad should have been a raging narcissist. My dad was the golden

boy, the little man of the family after his own father deserted his

wife and three kids during the depths of the Great Depression. My dad

indulged, spoiled and doted on by his mother, idolized by his two sibs

and his favorite Aunt, yet he grew up to be a selfless, kind,

thoughtful, great human being.

My Sister and I should both be raging borderlines, if being raised by

a borderline begets borderline pd, but neither of us have it. We were

badly damaged by it, traumatized by it, but thank God in heaven we

don't have it ourselves, and neither does my Sister's son. The way my

mother thinks seems alien to me, like, so warped and distorted and

hateful and manipulative as to be incomprehensible... like she's from

another planet or belongs to another species, or something.

So that's why I'm on the " genetics " side of the fence. And I'm on

that side of the fence because it gives me hope, if not for the

present, for future generations.

With the new discoveries in gene therapy, and newly developed tests,

and breakthroughs in understanding how the brain works, I'm hoping

that personality disorders and other mental illnesses will become a

thing of the past, eventually.

-Annie

>

> Hi;

>

> If you haven't read Why Is It Always About You, go grab a copy at

the library. I'm about a quarter of the way through it and it's a very

interesting read so far. And it has already given me even more

understanding of a damaged mind. It deals specifically with

narcissism. What helps me is the understanding of the uselessness of

trying to deal with these people. And that is a kind of freedom,

permission, if you will, to not try to fix or to take on the blame of

someone's behavior.

>

> Who was it that said, " Losers give up and stay, winners give up and

leave. " Certainly mental illness is a sad state of affairs but like a

tornado, we do nothing to stop it if we allow it to suck us into its

vortex. Hopefully this book will help you too.

>

> Oh and a quick note: it talks about the role a mother plays in the

" creation " of the narcissist, but in the case of the borderline, it's

part of the genetic package no matter how great a parent someone has

been. Plus I know of several situations (some in my family) where the

treatment of a baby should have created a narcissist, but did not.

>

>

> Flowers in Oz

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie;

Yes, I am with you - without a genetic component, from what I understand,

Cluster B personality disorders won't occur. What I liked about this book

was that it talks about the hard-wiring in the brains of narcisissts - and

helps me to " let go " when it comes to the borderlines in my family. For

example, my cada (cousin not a cousin because she's bpd) has contacted me

via email twice this month, with trumped up reasons why I should contact

her. I did not and the book made it all the more obvious why contacting her

would be a waste of time.

" Why is it always about you " also identified for me where my fleas are

concerning in my case, my trouble with shame-based situations. It was all

about shaming in my nada's household - and I don't do well in those

situations in life. Fortunately, I didn't see myself in the other places

except where they have the deal where instead of being a narcissist, you

take way too much cr@$ from people and that sort of thing.

I think it is a given that no one here would purposely parent badly or

purposely do anything " wrong, " I mean, with a bpd parent, we were always on

guard to try to please, do the right thing and be super hyper vigilant with

everything. So it isn't in our hard wiring to be a screw up or hurt someone.

By the way, according to the book, it's not the pampered kid that becomes a

narcissist, it's the one that is shamed, not conforted and mistreated. So

far, it seems the narcissist is only interested in his/her self but can be

good natured, a contributing member of society and without substance abuse

issues - or rages - but some do.

I wouldn't buy the book - it's not a keeper but the library will surely have

copies. My daughter's therapist recommended it to me. She's very up on

borderline - what a pleasure!

Flowers in Oz

Re: The Book " Why is it Always About You "

That's interesting, RE the book " Why Is It Always About You " proposing

that narcissists are created by bad parenting, but borderline pd

having a genetic component. It sounds like a fascinating read!

But I'm not sure I agree with that particular premise; the articles

I've been reading about brain research lean more toward the theory

that the whole set of " Cluster B " personality disorders (borderline

pd, narcissistic pd, histrionic pd and

sociopathic/anti-social/psychopathic pd) have both a genetic and

environmental component.

But I'm going to pick up that book, thanks for recommending it; I am

now fascinated by the whole question of how and why pds occur.