Re: There is hope

[Guest guest]

((((((Delta!))))))

That is such wonderful news, I am so happy for you! Makes me feel

good just to read your post!

Yes, our lives are *supposed* to be joyful and we deserve to have

loving, sweet, trusting relationships with spouses and kids. Life is

just too short to live it trying to fix the unfixable, to please the

unpleasable, and fill the unfillable black hole of need that is a

nada. Congratulations to you, you have graduated into full-fledged,

responsible, assertive, self-actualized and joyful adulthood!

-Annie

>

> It's been about a year and a half since I cut off communication with

> NADA. Since then she's sent a scant handfull of e-mails that I route

> to a separate folder that I can read when I feel 'braced.' Nothing of

> note has happened in the e-mails, but I always read them in case

> someone died or something.

>

> I feel *SO MUCH BETTER* than I did two years ago. my relationship with

> my husband has improved because I no longer have someone who's lacing

> their conversations with subtext, so I'm not looking for it with him.

> (it's not there). I have a much lower threshold for bulls**t, and the

> crazy friends that were less crazy that NADA but still not healthy are

> far onto the back burner. I'm feeling more confident, and every day

> feel a little more grounded and comfortable with who I am.

> I even notice my pain tolerance is lower since I'm not stressed to the

> max and in pain all the time. I think I'm slowly getting closer to

> normal. Heck, even my fertility cycles are more regular now than

> they've ever been. A month ago, I finally figured out that I was

> still afraid that she would be a pain if I had kids (she has this

> thing about not letting kids see their grandparents being 'child

> abuse'), and got comfortable with the notion that I could tell her to

> piss off and call the cops if she didn't.

>

> I feel loved, I feel comfortable, I feel confident, like the world is

> finally somewhere fun to be.

>

> I'm still getting over some things, and there are parts of my life

> that will never be perfect, but I don't have nearly as many dreams

> about being chased by something that wants to catch me and let me go

> to chase me again, or that I'm in an out of control car with broken

> brakes. And that's a huge improvement.

>

> So, if you're feeling like your NADA has ruined your life forever or

> that there's no end in sight....she hasn't, and there is. I promise.

>

> Delta

>

[Guest guest]

When my friend asks me how therapy is going, I tell her it's like

going on a diet. You don't do it because it's enjoyable, but

because you know the outcome is what you want.

Delta, your story helps remind me that the goal is possible. That

the sacrafices I've been making to get my life back in order are not

pointless.

I broke off communication with my nada about a year ago, and it has

been the most painful year of my life. This is not neccisarily

because of the strain on my relationship with her, but on how it's

effecting my relatinship with the other members of my family. I

want to be close to them, but the reality is they are simply nada's

puppets.

This time of year it's especially important to remember why we have

set the boundaries that we have. I know for me it's very tempting

to give in a little and spend time with my FOO, but I know it's the

wrong choice.

Delta, thank you for your post. It reminds people like me why we

are fighting the fight.

-Rod

>

> It's been about a year and a half since I cut off communication

with

> NADA. Since then she's sent a scant handfull of e-mails that I

route

> to a separate folder that I can read when I feel 'braced.'

Nothing of

> note has happened in the e-mails, but I always read them in case

> someone died or something.

>

> I feel *SO MUCH BETTER* than I did two years ago. my relationship

with

> my husband has improved because I no longer have someone who's

lacing

> their conversations with subtext, so I'm not looking for it with

him.

> (it's not there). I have a much lower threshold for bulls**t, and

the

> crazy friends that were less crazy that NADA but still not healthy

are

> far onto the back burner. I'm feeling more confident, and every day

> feel a little more grounded and comfortable with who I am.

> I even notice my pain tolerance is lower since I'm not stressed to

the

> max and in pain all the time. I think I'm slowly getting closer to

> normal. Heck, even my fertility cycles are more regular now than

> they've ever been. A month ago, I finally figured out that I was

> still afraid that she would be a pain if I had kids (she has this

> thing about not letting kids see their grandparents being 'child

> abuse'), and got comfortable with the notion that I could tell her

to

> piss off and call the cops if she didn't.

>

> I feel loved, I feel comfortable, I feel confident, like the world

is

> finally somewhere fun to be.

>

> I'm still getting over some things, and there are parts of my life

> that will never be perfect, but I don't have nearly as many dreams

> about being chased by something that wants to catch me and let me

go

> to chase me again, or that I'm in an out of control car with broken

> brakes. And that's a huge improvement.

>

> So, if you're feeling like your NADA has ruined your life forever

or

> that there's no end in sight....she hasn't, and there is. I

promise.

>

> Delta

>

[Guest guest]

>

> When my friend asks me how therapy is going, I tell her it's like

> going on a diet. You don't do it because it's enjoyable, but

> because you know the outcome is what you want...

>

> This time of year it's especially important to remember why we have

> set the boundaries that we have. I know for me it's very tempting

> to give in a little and spend time with my FOO, but I know it's the

> wrong choice.

>

Rod-

Very well put. I am going on almost a year of NC. It was hard at

the beginning. The holidays due to tend to make me slightly

anxious. This year my husband and I decided to spend the day just

together. My daughters were with their father this year. My BPD

Nada and father were out of state. I'm really glad we decided to do

the low key thing. It was one of the most relaxing Thanksgivings I

can remember in a while. I still cooked the traditional Thanksgiving

fare for the two of us, plus some. It was nice to just chill out

without a schedule or guests to take care of. Don't get me wrong, we

do have family we enjoy spending time with, but it's nice to take a

break now an again just for " us. "

I did not attempt to call Nada. I did speak with my brother who

lives out of state. He is doing well now that he is finally

separated from his likely BPD-wife. My parents visited him before

Thanksgiving and actually have decided to relocate to his state in

February. In some ways, I feel bad for him, but my parents will

likely at least treat him well for a while since I am now the " bad "

child. In the past, I would have felt guilty about not speaking to

Nada. However, I've gotten past that. I have nothing to feel guilty

for. All I have done is take care of myself and my family in the

best way that I know how.

Delta is right...there is hope. You can choose to end the chaos or

at least let it affect you less.

I hope you all had an enjoyable Thanksgiving.

JJFan

[Guest guest]

Hi Delta!

I'm at the same place you are and it does feel wonderful! I was so

grateful to finally figure out that there is life after stepnada, and

so relieved that I am slowly recovering from the mental and emotional

abuse. Like you, I am wondering if my fertility is in some way

related to her: I was always terrified of the idea of having

children, thinking that I wouldn't be able to protect my (future)

children from her abuse, just as my dad was unable to protect my

sister and I from her. Now I'm actually contemplating addressing my

fertility issues and opening up to the idea of having kids. One of

the biggest reasons she is no longer in my life is her treatment of

my sister and how she handled my sister's having had children. We

spent years being punished for the fact that she didn't have

biological children with my father (he had had a vasectomy before

they married), and my sister was expected to sort of hand her baby

over to her. She caused a huge blow up when my sister refused to let

her in the birthing room and seem to generally think that it was up

to my sister to make up for the fact that she didn't have kids of her

own. We expected this behavior - for years she would befriend

pregnant women, especially those who weren't sure if they wanted to

have the baby, as a way of coercing those woment into giving their

children to her. Strange and frightening.

Anyhow, I can't believe how improved my life is without her around.

I'm finally pursing my dream of becoming a teacher after being

forbidden to do so, my marriage is no longer prone to my picking

fights or becoming wounded over stupid little things, and holidays

are now a time of celebration and happiness instead of stress and

fear of what scene stepnada would cause THIS year! Even if she

begged me to come back around and promised to change, there is no way

I would go back. I hope to never have to deal with her again, which

is a big possibility. I love and miss my father more than I can say,

but I can bear it. If he offered to reforge a relationship with my

sister and I without stepnada in it, I would do so in a heartbeat, no

questions asked. But he is so enmeshed with her, I know that this

won't happen. No one in my family ever believed that he would choose

her over his own daughters, but we watched him cut off, one by one,

all of his other family members, so it is not a great big surprise.

Just sad. But I still have hope that one day he will understand why

we left and will try to see us again.

>

> It's been about a year and a half since I cut off communication with

> NADA. Since then she's sent a scant handfull of e-mails that I route

> to a separate folder that I can read when I feel 'braced.' Nothing

of

> note has happened in the e-mails, but I always read them in case

> someone died or something.

>

> I feel *SO MUCH BETTER* than I did two years ago. my relationship

with

> my husband has improved because I no longer have someone who's

lacing

> their conversations with subtext, so I'm not looking for it with

him.

> (it's not there). I have a much lower threshold for bulls**t, and

the

> crazy friends that were less crazy that NADA but still not healthy

are

> far onto the back burner. I'm feeling more confident, and every day

> feel a little more grounded and comfortable with who I am.

> I even notice my pain tolerance is lower since I'm not stressed to

the

> max and in pain all the time. I think I'm slowly getting closer to

> normal. Heck, even my fertility cycles are more regular now than

> they've ever been. A month ago, I finally figured out that I was

> still afraid that she would be a pain if I had kids (she has this

> thing about not letting kids see their grandparents being 'child

> abuse'), and got comfortable with the notion that I could tell her

to

> piss off and call the cops if she didn't.

>

> I feel loved, I feel comfortable, I feel confident, like the world

is

> finally somewhere fun to be.

>

> I'm still getting over some things, and there are parts of my life

> that will never be perfect, but I don't have nearly as many dreams

> about being chased by something that wants to catch me and let me go

> to chase me again, or that I'm in an out of control car with broken

> brakes. And that's a huge improvement.

>

> So, if you're feeling like your NADA has ruined your life forever or

> that there's no end in sight....she hasn't, and there is. I promise.

>

> Delta

>