Re: give give give give give arrrghhhh!

[Guest guest]

Wow. I would feel exactly the same way you do, under those

circumstances. It *is* frustrating to see one person treated so

differently, so much better, and for no reason! It *is* unfair.

Yes, the behaviors you describe are of a completely spoiled,

overly-indulged, selfish, and uncaring individual who feels she has

the right to mistreat others. Its a classic example of narcissism,

seems to me.

That is so sad, both for you and for her. She will probably remain an

emotional child her whole life, totally dependent on her parents,

never knowing the joy of being a self-sufficient, independent,

responsible, healthy adult. I've watched that happen to someone who

was a childhood friend of mine, but as the decades passed she never

" grew up. " She is now a middle-aged toddler, a malignant narcissist,

and at the same time totally dependent on her remaining parent both

financially and emotionally.

I have the feeling that at some point in the future when you and your

husband are able to move away and have your very own house somewhere

else, all this crap and dysfunction with the n-sil won't be nearly as

bothersome. But its hard to ignore when its basically pushed into

your face every day.

best wishes,

-Annie

>

> ok so I have to vent.

> its the time of year of giving right?

> apparently.

>

> I just want to complain about my SIL.

>

> firstly i need to outline that my husband, i and our two wee kids live

> in the same house - different independent level - of my husbands

family.

>

> His parents live here but his siblings all have their own places but

> come home for the holidays (still have their same rooms ...how nice!!).

>

> My sil is the obvious favourite in the family. the only girl and the

> youngest.

>

> She is 25 and has her own apartment nearby but still has her own room

> here with everything in it as it was - basically double of everything

> - and the parents paid for it too. ok im digressing, thats not the

> point here.

>

> She irritates me for many reasons - (although i do accept and love her

> too and have learnt coping mechanisms in the past 4yrs we've been

> living here) - she is moody irrational and outright annoying at times

> when she is streesed or pmt/pms.

>

> My annoyance is at her lack of giving or caring for others around her

> who give so much to her (either visible to her or not at the time)

> E.g. We give gifts at xmas, as usual, and this year she got no-one

> anything. ok well she gave my dd a small finger puppet. and then said

> she would give us all something after xmas when she goes shopping. i

> know now that will never happen. my other BIL said the same thing the

> year before and after speaking with MIL she convinced him it wasnt

> necessary??!!

>

> Now where i come from (not always a good place to start with here on

> this board ) giving and receiving should be about the same, someone

> at xmas gives you a gift and you give one in return or something of

> similar value i.e. your time to look after their kids if they need

it etc.

>

> Anyway, basically SIL seems progammed to take take take and im

> programmed to give give give but it hurts me when its not

> reciprocated. What seems to annoy me the most at the moment is when

> she needs something (a tampon, or some paracetamol, antiflam cream)

> its taken and often not replaced (i would say NEVER but then that

> sounds harsh, but honestly it IS never replaced).

>

> Then when we (my dh and I) need time for a 'date' we dont go to her to

> ask her bc it would be a drama (because she has to study for exams or

> its that time of the month or shes sick or whatever!!) she is not

> willing to give. i cant ask her for anything bc it would be a pain in

> the arse and my dh reckons its best not to even go there bc it would

> upset her or cause drama (something we both dont want or need) but

> arggghhh!!!

>

> ok so its not all sil fault. she has been programmed to be 'special'

> the only sibling that gets more gifts at xmas or any at all for her

> birthday (my PIL are not big on giving gifts at birthdays, but it

> always seem OTT when it comes to SIL's birthday!)

>

> my feelings:

> im jealous

> im envious

> im angry

> im annoyed

> im sad

> and it all comes down to having again tip toe around a female in our

> lives (or my life) because she acts like a child and throws tantrums.

>

> now of course shes not all bad. i paint a bad picture because im

> pissed off a the moment, tired and sick but arrghhh!! *sigh*

>

> just venting

>

> i know that if i try to have any rational convo with her she will end

> up crying and pull in MIL (who is totally passive and wants to always

> keep it calm) and then my DH will get pissed with me for just not

> leaving it alone etc etc, so I need to get it right in my head and not

> think I have to change her or the situation again, which goes against

> a bit of what I would like to have. The control of changing something

> that I can't is a battle I have everyday!!

>

> any suggestions?

> x

>

[Guest guest]

If it were me, I would stop giving her any gifts at all. She is

ungrateful and doesn't deserve it, in my opinion. She is an adult and

should know better. What kind of example is she providing for your

kids? I think it wouldn't bother you so much (her behavior) if you

weren't contributing to it by giving gifts to someone who expects it

and doesn't appreciate it.

If she throws a fit because you didn't get her anything, who cares, it

makes her look like a selfish b anyways. Just throw it right back in

her face, oh I will get you something when I go shopping and then

never do it.

Maybe she needs a little tough love since her parents won't do it....

>

> ok so I have to vent.

> its the time of year of giving right?

> apparently.

>

> I just want to complain about my SIL.

>

> firstly i need to outline that my husband, i and our two wee kids live

> in the same house - different independent level - of my husbands

family.

>

> His parents live here but his siblings all have their own places but

> come home for the holidays (still have their same rooms ...how nice!!).

>

> My sil is the obvious favourite in the family. the only girl and the

> youngest.

>

> She is 25 and has her own apartment nearby but still has her own room

> here with everything in it as it was - basically double of everything

> - and the parents paid for it too. ok im digressing, thats not the

> point here.

>

> She irritates me for many reasons - (although i do accept and love her

> too and have learnt coping mechanisms in the past 4yrs we've been

> living here) - she is moody irrational and outright annoying at times

> when she is streesed or pmt/pms.

>

> My annoyance is at her lack of giving or caring for others around her

> who give so much to her (either visible to her or not at the time)

> E.g. We give gifts at xmas, as usual, and this year she got no-one

> anything. ok well she gave my dd a small finger puppet. and then said

> she would give us all something after xmas when she goes shopping. i

> know now that will never happen. my other BIL said the same thing the

> year before and after speaking with MIL she convinced him it wasnt

> necessary??!!

>

> Now where i come from (not always a good place to start with here on

> this board ) giving and receiving should be about the same, someone

> at xmas gives you a gift and you give one in return or something of

> similar value i.e. your time to look after their kids if they need

it etc.

>

> Anyway, basically SIL seems progammed to take take take and im

> programmed to give give give but it hurts me when its not

> reciprocated. What seems to annoy me the most at the moment is when

> she needs something (a tampon, or some paracetamol, antiflam cream)

> its taken and often not replaced (i would say NEVER but then that

> sounds harsh, but honestly it IS never replaced).

>

> Then when we (my dh and I) need time for a 'date' we dont go to her to

> ask her bc it would be a drama (because she has to study for exams or

> its that time of the month or shes sick or whatever!!) she is not

> willing to give. i cant ask her for anything bc it would be a pain in

> the arse and my dh reckons its best not to even go there bc it would

> upset her or cause drama (something we both dont want or need) but

> arggghhh!!!

>

> ok so its not all sil fault. she has been programmed to be 'special'

> the only sibling that gets more gifts at xmas or any at all for her

> birthday (my PIL are not big on giving gifts at birthdays, but it

> always seem OTT when it comes to SIL's birthday!)

>

> my feelings:

> im jealous

> im envious

> im angry

> im annoyed

> im sad

> and it all comes down to having again tip toe around a female in our

> lives (or my life) because she acts like a child and throws tantrums.

>

> now of course shes not all bad. i paint a bad picture because im

> pissed off a the moment, tired and sick but arrghhh!! *sigh*

>

> just venting

>

> i know that if i try to have any rational convo with her she will end

> up crying and pull in MIL (who is totally passive and wants to always

> keep it calm) and then my DH will get pissed with me for just not

> leaving it alone etc etc, so I need to get it right in my head and not

> think I have to change her or the situation again, which goes against

> a bit of what I would like to have. The control of changing something

> that I can't is a battle I have everyday!!

>

> any suggestions?

> x

>

[Guest guest]

It seems that the only one you can control and the only one that can change,

is you. I think keeping your distance from sil could bring some peace to

you; if you happen to be in the same house together, if she walks in a room,

you walk out; stay at lease 10 - l5 ft. away from her; try not to engage in

conversation with her.

The only reason I know the above helps, is because I have had to use the

same tactics with my nada and a spoiled rotten relative of mine. I even got to

the point if my nada walked in a room, I'd walk out; even to the point of

going outside for a while.

This " tactic " came from the book " stop walking on eggshells " and it helped

me alot.

good luck,

Laurie

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