Guest guest Posted December 28, 2008 Report Share Posted December 28, 2008 I agree: give yourself time! ly, you are the victim of ABUSE and under no circumstances should you be pressured to feel loving toward the person who abused you! Your nada is an evil, disgusting, manipulative b*tch who ABUSES CHILDREN and you have every right to hate her guts for as long as YOU need to so that YOU can heal from what she's put you through! Detach with love. Detach with hatred and anger if you have to. Right now, just DETACH! Focus on yourself, be there for yourself, love your husband and your children and the people who are there for you. DON'T hold yourself to anyone else's standards! You're doing great, honest. How you're feeling is EXACTLY right and EXACTLY how you " should " be feeling. (Another great book to read is " Trauma and Recovery " , which was recommended to me on this board. That was life-altering for me in terms of helping me see that what my nada did was ABUSE, and it also outlines principles for recovery.) -S Original Message ----- From: angeandsimon Date: Sunday, December 28, 2008 5:10 am Subject: Re: Detach With Love To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Hey hun, give yourself some time to develop these techniques, > they do > take time and honestly stop being so hard on yourself :-) !!! (easier > said than done I know) > > Try using this book (although I haven't even read it) as a guideline > that you can pick up when you need it and just take time to > absorb the > material. > > I know you want to better yourself in an instant, I think a part > of us > all do, it just honestly takes time, and unfortunately in that time > the nadas will intercept and f*** things up for us. > > What I try is this, take it for what it is, if nada sends you a card > and letter that makes no sense dependant upon what you've recently > sent her, take it as her illness blacking out what you have sent her. > Shes probably upset and has blocked it out (dissociating as I've read > is the term I think) therefore her way of dealing with it is to act > like nothings happened to reel you back in. > > In your previous post you said you wanted childhood pics back from > her, you could - if you want to take the manipulation tactic I > mentioned (and again its TOTALLY up to you on how you deal with this) > you could use her dissociation as a ladder to climb back up and get > what you need? > > I'm not sure how to help you again. All I can do is suggest what I > have done. Even though our nadas have the same illness, they are all > different as people and so are we. Only you can do what you feel is > right for you and your family. > > Best wishes and keep well > Ange > x > > PS: I have just flicked over the chapter of overcoming anger and > resentment in Surviving a borderline parent, and it rings true. Good > techniques to use there when you get a chance (or if I get a > chance...with the kids over the holidays!!! :-) > > > > > > > In my SWOE workbook, there's a chapter called 'detach with love'. > An exercise rather. I realized I'm not doing that. I'm furious ... > angry ... hurt and depressed. > > > > Today nada sent a Xmas card - another completely delusional letter > inside it behaving as if nothing bad has ever happened. She > acts as > if life is fine, and that we're getting along like normal. I don't > think she gets it - that I'm serious this time about not being reeled > back in and have my head bitten off. And the fact that she's ignoring > everything or anything I've said over the past year and my email just > leave me sitting here in a state of disbelief and self- > loathing. I > don't understand why I feel this way. > > > > Why am I so angry with myself and hurt and feeling like a pile of > debris? I know I'm hurt she doesn't even acknowledge the fact that > she's been a complete b*tch. An unfeeling, abusive, evil person. > This creature is the womb I rented to get to this earth - and > apparently nothing more. She has made it a point to tell me > since I > was 19 or so that when I was 6 weeks old she knew having me was a > wasted effort - an effort to reel in my father and make him a family > man, force him to settle down. Once that failed it was like 'sh*t, > well, may as well just raise the thing.' > > > > Detach with love my ass ... sorry for the cussing. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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