How to get unstuck

[Guest guest]

Hi there:

I hope you all had a great holiday. Or at least that it was as

unstressful as possible.

I recently answered a question elsewhere about why people stay in bad

relationships, and I thought it would be helpful to this group as

well.

Note that " stuck " is an overall feeling, and does not mean stuck in a

relationship. It can just as well mean feeling stuck about setting a

limit. Notes that each type of relationship (parents vs adult

children) has its own special reasons not mentioned here.

Warmly,

Randi Kreger

Randi @BPDCentral.com

BPDCentral.com

Welcome to Oz Community Owner

The Essential Family Guide to BPD

Stop Walking on Eggshells and the SWOE Workbook

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There are some questions that keep coming up again and again. One of

them is " Why do people stay in even the worst relationships? " But

that specific question is for partners. The overall question, is why

do people feel trapped, helpless, and stuck in their situation?

Feeling stuck can prevent people from trying new and more effective

solutions, such as setting and maintaining their limits.

After two years of work, I managed to come up with six basic

categories of reasons as to why people in all types of relationships

get stuck. This is how I stated it in my new book, " The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. " I put three dots

(…) where I have deleted big chunks of copy.

Please note this is not the final, proofed copy. The numbers are

references to footnotes. Please do not reprint this without my

permission.

……………………………………………………………..

• Do you feel unable to move because danger lies in every choice,

yet you feel compelled to do something?

• Do you and your BP have an unspoken agreement that his needs are

more important than yours?

• Does your satisfaction with this relationship depend on your BP

making significant changes—yet he hasn't demonstrated a lasting

desire to do so?

• Have you made compromises you realize you can't live with in the

long term, but have no idea how to go back and change things?

• Is this relationship too good to leave but too bad to stay in?

If you answered " yes " to most of these questions, chances are you're

stuck. …..Interpersonal double-binds can appear to be about what is

going on with the other party. But when you look more closely at the

underpinnings of the conflict, the story is more about you. The

longer you have been stuck in a chosen relationship, she says, the

more likely it is that the solution to the problem lies within you.

Uncovering and resolving the source of your feelings of entrapment is

the most essential element that determines not only the course of

your relationship, but the degree of distress you will experience

from having a borderline family member. This is because feelings of

helplessness and lack of control can cause just as much suffering as

the presence of the personality disorder itself.

Study after study has found that in different types of situations—at

work, in relationships, nursing homes, when facing terminal illness,

while playing sports—the urge to feel in control of your own destiny

is a universal motive. With it, we gain an inner sense of mastery and

feelings of satisfaction. Without it, we are at risk for

hopelessness, stress, and depression…

<a>What Keeps You Stuck?

Most non-BPs feel stuck for one or more of the following five

reasons:

• unhealthy bonds forged by emotional abuse

• feelings of fear

• obligation, roles, and duty

• guilt mingled with shame

• low self-esteem

• the need to " rescue "

Unhealthy Bonds Forged by Emotional Abuse

…….You might think that the obvious choice for the abused person

would be to simply avoid the abuser and try to rebuild self-esteem.

Instead, the opposite occurs: people who feel abused and controlled

develop strong, unhealthy bonds that keep them in a dysfunctional

dance with the person who is bullying them.

This dynamic is so well known it even has a name: the " Stockholm

Syndrome. " The name comes from a 1973 incident in Stockholm, Sweden,

in which hostages became emotionally attached to the criminals who

held them hostage during a bank robbery.

The syndrome includes these key elements:

• the belief that the abuser/controller is an imminent threat to

one's physical or psychological survival

• the presence of a perceived small kindness from the

abuser/controller to the sufferer

• isolation from perspectives other than those of the

abuser/controller

• the belief that one is unable to escape from the situation

The following are signs that the Stockholm Syndrome might be at work:

• thinking, " I know she hurts me all the time and does terrible

things, but I love her anyway! "

• receiving warnings from others about the relationship and

dismissing them because others " just don't understand. " Eventually,

the sufferer avoids those who don't approve of the abuser/controller.

• giving the abuser/controller positive credit for small tokens of

kindness (a birthday card) or for not being abusive when abusiveness

was expected (such as not getting jealous when an opposite-sex co-

worker waves in a crowd)

• making excuses for the abuser/controller's behavior (such as, " He

couldn't help it because he was abused as a kid " )

• becoming preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the

abuser/controller in an effort to prevent the abuser/controller from

having an outburst[6]…

Feelings of Fear

….The following fears are common for non-BPs.:

• fear for the BP's health and welfare (common with lower-

functioning conventional BPs). Suicide threats are the most potent

fear.[8]

• fear of conflict, for example " I can't say that. He might get

upset. "

• fear of being alone (abandonment) (BPs aren't the only ones).

• fear of failing or being judged a failure (for example, with

having a failed marriage).

• fear of financial problems (common in partners).

• fear of the unknown

• fear of the BP's threats coming true

Obligation, Roles, and Duty

…..Our concepts about roles and obligations are supposed to keep life

predictable and create an orderly, stable society. The family unit

provides for the needs of each member in a grand attempt to

perpetuate the species and perhaps the family name. Then, myths and

ideals evolve around what the perfect parent, child, sibling, or

grandparent should be like.

The sad truth is that while families may have evolved to ensure the

survival of its members, sometimes survival is dependent upon giving

up the myths of the ideal parent, sister, or other family member, and

accepting reality, no matter how much we wish it were otherwise. …

Guilt and Shame

…….If you feel guilty, ask yourself, " What am I feeling guilty for? "

Be specific. If you think you should have known something, what is

it, and how would you have known? If there is something you regret,

learn from it. Make amends if necessary, put a plan together to

prevent it from happening again, and try to turn any aspect of what

happened into something positive.

Low Self-Esteem

…..You may know on an intellectual level that your family member's

attacks on your character are unjust. But on an emotional level

(which is stronger), you may believe you deserve the treatment you're

getting. Criticism is a corrosive acid that eats away feelings of

self-worth and fractures the bonds that keep people together. …

The Need to Rescue

…..Rescuers are ruled by their emotions, especially guilt, worry,

fear, and, most of all, helplessness. Rarely do they take stock of

their methods, see that their efforts aren't working, and try

something else.

…..A rescuer is usually a compassionate, kind person who wants to

alleviate the suffering of others. The person with BPD idolizes and

adores the object of his affection, who can't help but enjoy the

special attention and the feeling that she, and she alone, can make

the other person feel loved. …

The book is available at www.BPDCentral.com for 20% off.