Re: merging

[Guest guest]

Welcome Neil and Joan and any other newbies; on the one hand I'm sorry

you have a bpd parent(s), but on the other hand its good to find a

whole bunch of people who know exactly what you are going through.

Neil, RE your post: I too have never had a long-term love relationship

which is most likely due to being raised by a very angry, domineering

and abusive bpd mom (and a sweet but ineffectual dad) who pretty much

destroyed my self-esteem and ability to trust other people. But I have

the reverse-image of your symptom: when I did date (which was rarely)

I feared that the guy I was dating would absorb me, that I'd lose my

individuality and become " Mrs. Him. "

I'm pretty sure that intensive, skillful therapy is the only way to

work through that issue, I haven't been successful dealing with it on

my own. I hope you can successfully work through that so you can find

a loving husband and long and happy marriage.

And Joan, yes, that moment when we finally realize, " Wow, its not me,

my mom/dad has a personality disorder! " is so freeing. Us KOs were

raised to believe that we caused and deserved the mistreatment our bpd

moms (nadas) or bpd dads (fadas) were heaping on us. I actually felt

like I'd been released from a POW camp! My mother isn't simply

" difficult " or " perfectionistic " or " high-strung " or " controlling " ,

she's freakin' mentally ill!

As you do more research, you'll find that borderline pd and narcissist

pd are grouped together in the category " Cluster B " of personality

disorders along with the histrionics and the psychopaths (aka

sociopaths, anti-social pd) because these are the personality

disorders that " act out. " Its " The Drama Club " , so to speak.

I personally think my nada could even be a walking " Cluster B " because

she also demonstrates the lack of empathy of a narcissist, and

displays the lack of remorse and sense of entitlement of a sociopath,

as well as the more typical traits of bpd (lightning-fast mood

changes, feeling of personal emptiness, inappropriate and intense

anger, etc.) My nada has been diagnosed on two different occasions as

having bpd.

Anyway, I'm sure you newbies will find posts here that will help you

on your own journey to understanding and dealing with the bpd(s) in

your life.

-Annie

>

> Hi List;

> I'm new to this and haven't done much research yet, so forgive me if

I'm asking something

> that is obvious.

> I suspect my mom has BPD for a variety of reasons and I also suspect

that may be part of

> why at 45 years old, I've not had long term committed relationships-

as much as I've wanted

> them. I just received some valuable feedback from a someone I've

been seeing for a short

> while and my inclination is to think it stems from being the child

of a BPD parent. He said

> that he feels a temptation to " merge " from me which sounded very

much like what my mom

> did with me. It rings true for me- I get so caught up in fear of

rejection or abandonment

> when I care for someone that I'm suffocating. I'm wondering if any

of you have experienced

> that and if so, how you've dealt with it.

> Secondly, I'm thinking a support group would be really useful, but

I'm not finding one in the

> SF Bay area on the website. Does anyone know of any other resources

to find that?

> Thanks,

> Neil

>

[Guest guest]

I fear abandonment and rejection very, very much. It has made

relationships challenging, to say the least. I can be suffocating in

the relationship I have with my husband.

I don't have any answers, but one thing that I have done that has

been helpful is just to notice when I am acting suffocating (or co-

dependent). After I notice it, I try to figure out what

the " trigger " was for me. Then I try to figure out if it is legit or

not. If I need to, I can back up and use some self-calming/caring

tools to try to not be uspet or anxious. I do this if the trigger is

just a trigger and not a legit reaction to something that husband has

done. It's a long, long process, but it's well worth it in the end.

It's worth it to me becuase I am getting myself back. I am getting

to know my self and love myself and think of myself as a valid,

independent person. It's been strange, too becuase when I frist

started down this road I thought that if I had to set up boundaries

with husband and not merge with him, then it wasn't real love. In

actuality as I have done it I have experienced deeper love, or at

least truer love. I was very frightened to do it at first, I thought

that I would " lose " my husband. (There's that fear again!) I still

have moments of panic, but they seem to be getting less and less

frequent.

>

> Hi List;

> I'm new to this and haven't done much research yet, so forgive me

if I'm asking something

> that is obvious.

> I suspect my mom has BPD for a variety of reasons and I also

suspect that may be part of

> why at 45 years old, I've not had long term committed relationships-

as much as I've wanted

> them. I just received some valuable feedback from a someone I've

been seeing for a short

> while and my inclination is to think it stems from being the child

of a BPD parent. He said

> that he feels a temptation to " merge " from me which sounded very

much like what my mom

> did with me. It rings true for me- I get so caught up in fear of

rejection or abandonment

> when I care for someone that I'm suffocating. I'm wondering if any

of you have experienced

> that and if so, how you've dealt with it.

> Secondly, I'm thinking a support group would be really useful, but

I'm not finding one in the

> SF Bay area on the website. Does anyone know of any other resources

to find that?

> Thanks,

> Neil

>