I'm looking in the mirror today and seeing MYSELF!

[Guest guest]

Hi all, I wanted to share the good and proud feeling I have about

myself today. For the very first time in my life, say thirty years

plus, I really enjoyed going to the hairdresser and buying two new

dresses, a blouse and two jackets! I did not beat myself up in the

dressing room for looking " fat " , I did not leave the boutique with

the desperate conviction that I urgently needed to go on a diet and

that only after I'd lost some weight I could come back and try new

clothes on; I did not or hardly hear my nada's voice telling me that

it did or did not look good on me, or me having to guess from her

mimics whether she would shame me afterwards for having bought

something or not. I did not end up buying all kinds of presents for

her or other family members because buying something for myself used

to creat huge FOG in my head and heart. I did not buy anything in

order to please HER, but to please ME (and a bit my husband ). I

did not have any panick attacks in the fitting rooms because of

memories of her sweaty hands or hard grip on me during the " shopping-

session-torture " I had to endure so often. She used to " adjust " the

clothes always, even if there was nothing to adjust, and it felt

wrong and inappropriate and there was a lot of hidden aggression in

it. And I did not walk around undecidedly for half an hour until I

was finally disoriented and dizzy and hyperventilating in the mall,

as I used to do after I started to go shopping on my own -- because I

felt so insecure back then and felt like an empty mirror and could

only look at myself with nada's eyes. Today, I looked at myself with

my own eyes. I bought colours that I happened to like today. (will I

like them tomorrow? well, I hope so, but I did not worry about it

today), I could cut myself some slack because I know I am only at the

beginning of creating my own taste or style. I could look into the

mirror while my hair was being cut without seeing and feeling the

scissors with which my nada violently chopped off all my long hair

one terrible day during a rage. Today, I sat there, and I was quite

relaxed, and I thought, well look, this is me, at the hairdresser,

and I am adult woman who knows what she likes. Fwiiiuuuh! In such

things, I feel that therapy, reading and posting here, and reflecting

about the past is finally beginning to bear fruits... So thanks a lot

guys for all support and advice!

Love to y'all from the Berries.