Re: Long time

[Guest guest]

>

I didn't behave " nicely " and I have a hard time

> forgiving myself. (Growing up she always told me what an

ungreatful

> child I was, and that I was nasty, etc).

>

So, does " nice " here mean " catering to the queen's every whim and

focusing all attention on her, 24/7 " ? Does it mean " complete

selflessness, having no needs of my own " ? I urge you to consider re-

defining " nice. " Unless I missed some big blowup where you called

her names or yelled at her, it sounds like you were cordial and

polite. THAT is nice.

> Sometimes I just want to say " I can't be in contact with you mom

> until you get into therapy " but then that goes back to my need to

> control her. I keep having to remind myself that the only perosn I

> can change is myself. I just don't know HOW I want to change.

>

I think you are wise to realize you can't fix her problems. I think

the therapy ultimatum is not such a good idea, anyway, since nobody

will really get anything out of therapy unless it is their choice to

be there. However, you CAN tell her you want her behavior to

change. " Mom, when you act that way, I don't want to be around you.

When I can see that you have changed your behavior, I will be able to

consider visiting with you again. " My therapist even gave me this

line when I was worried about my mom going waify when I went lc: " If

you're not happy with the way your relationships are going, you might

consider talking to a professional about it. " That line actually got

my parents to go see somebody (not that it did any good, they always

went together, and my mom is master of presenting a good public

face).

>Is there anyone

> out there who has been able to set healthy limits with their BPD

> parent and be happy while being around that parent? If so, how

long

> did it take you to figure it all out?

>

Well, my mother's behavior is much better, and the last time my

parents came to visit was actually almost pleasant. But I'm

never " happy " to see my mother. I never wish I could go visit her.

When I invite my parents to visit, it's not because I miss her. If I

didn't have children, I would see little need to visit with her at

all. But my limits are working well for me. I don't have to stew

silently or cower in the corner or worry if I will upset her--I can

call her out on her bad behaviors, and ask her to leave if she plays

the waif. I'm not sure I understand your desire for " happiness " with

your mother--are you holding onto a hope that you two will be able to

laugh and have fun together, or are you just wanting to be un-

miserable in her presence?

> Thanks

> b

>

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

Thanks for your feedback. It always helps to hear from someone else

who knows the life of being a KO. When I said I wasn't " nice " I

meant that I wasn't engaging with her. I have a serious guilt

complex to the point where I feel I have to fix everyone and

everything. It is something my therapist and I have been working on

for a while and though I have made major strides (being able to

recognize I don't have anything to feel guilty about) I still have a

lot of work to do (actually erasing that guilt). I never like making

anyone feel left out and I always go out of my way to make sure

anyone who is with me feels wanted and appreciated and included. And

though that makes me feel like a " good person " it also makes me feel

way too " powerful " as my therapist says. I know I have to let go of

wanting to take care of everyone, and I know I can't make anyone else

happy but myself, but since my mother has raised me to believe it is

my responsibility it is going to take a while to get my emotions in

line with my logic.

As to the other point, wanting to feel happy when I'm around her, I

meant not feeling stressed/angry/annoyed when I'm with her. The

anger I think I have pretty much mastered, and the stress is fading

slowly but surely, but the annoyance is so so so difficult to get out

of my body. Spending time with her is like as if someone is forcing

you to spend time with a person whose personality you just can't

stand. For example, lets say you are going to dinner party and you

can't wait to see everyone and then that one person shows up - that

person who has no social graces or manners or sense that anyone else

is important. It ruins what would have been a perfectly pleasant

evening. I guess I'm wondering if there is a way to get around the

fact that I just really dislike her personality.

Also , I wanted to say thanks for the line your therapist gave

you to say to your mom. I will absolutely be using it. I guess the

problem is that my mom has a quack of a doctor who just gives her

zoloft without any therapy. He's just a general doctor, not a

psychiatrist and doesn't insist or even suggest that she sees a

therapist. So she thinks she's " cured. " She was put on Zoloft after

my brother had an OCD breakdown and stopped talking to her and only

agreed to see her after months. And his his psychiatrist and I were

in the room to support him when he finally did agree to talk to her.

So my brother's doc recommended she see someone. She the doc once,

got the meds, and has been back maybe one time in 8 years. And though

the Zoloft mellowed out her horrible and terrifying anger fits it

certainly didn't " cure " her. Doesn't it make you sad or frustrated

knowing that you will never be fully happy when you are around your

mom? I'm pretty new to all of this so maybe this will all fade, but

it confuses me. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life with

this?

Thanks again for all of the wisdom. I'm always open to anything

anyone has to say.

b

> >

> I didn't behave " nicely " and I have a hard time

> > forgiving myself. (Growing up she always told me what an

> ungreatful

> > child I was, and that I was nasty, etc).

> >

>

> So, does " nice " here mean " catering to the queen's every whim and

> focusing all attention on her, 24/7 " ? Does it mean " complete

> selflessness, having no needs of my own " ? I urge you to consider

re-

> defining " nice. " Unless I missed some big blowup where you called

> her names or yelled at her, it sounds like you were cordial and

> polite. THAT is nice.

>

>

> > Sometimes I just want to say " I can't be in contact with you mom

> > until you get into therapy " but then that goes back to my need to

> > control her. I keep having to remind myself that the only perosn

I

> > can change is myself. I just don't know HOW I want to change.

> >

>

> I think you are wise to realize you can't fix her problems. I

think

> the therapy ultimatum is not such a good idea, anyway, since nobody

> will really get anything out of therapy unless it is their choice

to

> be there. However, you CAN tell her you want her behavior to

> change. " Mom, when you act that way, I don't want to be around

you.

> When I can see that you have changed your behavior, I will be able

to

> consider visiting with you again. " My therapist even gave me this

> line when I was worried about my mom going waify when I went

lc: " If

> you're not happy with the way your relationships are going, you

might

> consider talking to a professional about it. " That line actually

got

> my parents to go see somebody (not that it did any good, they

always

> went together, and my mom is master of presenting a good public

> face).

>

>

> >Is there anyone

> > out there who has been able to set healthy limits with their BPD

> > parent and be happy while being around that parent? If so, how

> long

> > did it take you to figure it all out?

> >

>

> Well, my mother's behavior is much better, and the last time my

> parents came to visit was actually almost pleasant. But I'm

> never " happy " to see my mother. I never wish I could go visit

her.

> When I invite my parents to visit, it's not because I miss her. If

I

> didn't have children, I would see little need to visit with her at

> all. But my limits are working well for me. I don't have to stew

> silently or cower in the corner or worry if I will upset her--I can

> call her out on her bad behaviors, and ask her to leave if she

plays

> the waif. I'm not sure I understand your desire for " happiness "

with

> your mother--are you holding onto a hope that you two will be able

to

> laugh and have fun together, or are you just wanting to be un-

> miserable in her presence?

>

>

>

>

>

> > Thanks

> > b

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

I just read your Dec. 1rst post about still feeling guilty, stressed

and annoyed when dealing with your mother. I feel exactly the same

way about mine despite: two years of therapy (for me), the fact that

she is now senile and in assisted living about 15 miles away, and she

is 89 so perhaps will not have many more years. I sure wish I could

share something more hopeful with you, but, for me, sometimes I

just " think " she is getting easier to deal with - she really isn't.

Just do all you can to add pleasure to your life, even to the point

of scheduling in a set amount of time each day (even if it is short)

to do something that gives you pleasure. This is what has helped me

the most.

> > >

> > I didn't behave " nicely " and I have a hard time

> > > forgiving myself. (Growing up she always told me what an

> > ungreatful

> > > child I was, and that I was nasty, etc).

> > >

> >

> > So, does " nice " here mean " catering to the queen's every whim and

> > focusing all attention on her, 24/7 " ? Does it mean " complete

> > selflessness, having no needs of my own " ? I urge you to consider

> re-

> > defining " nice. " Unless I missed some big blowup where you

called

> > her names or yelled at her, it sounds like you were cordial and

> > polite. THAT is nice.

> >

> >

> > > Sometimes I just want to say " I can't be in contact with you

mom

> > > until you get into therapy " but then that goes back to my need

to

> > > control her. I keep having to remind myself that the only

perosn

> I

> > > can change is myself. I just don't know HOW I want to change.

> > >

> >

> > I think you are wise to realize you can't fix her problems. I

> think

> > the therapy ultimatum is not such a good idea, anyway, since

nobody

> > will really get anything out of therapy unless it is their choice

> to

> > be there. However, you CAN tell her you want her behavior to

> > change. " Mom, when you act that way, I don't want to be around

> you.

> > When I can see that you have changed your behavior, I will be

able

> to

> > consider visiting with you again. " My therapist even gave me

this

> > line when I was worried about my mom going waify when I went

> lc: " If

> > you're not happy with the way your relationships are going, you

> might

> > consider talking to a professional about it. " That line actually

> got

> > my parents to go see somebody (not that it did any good, they

> always

> > went together, and my mom is master of presenting a good public

> > face).

> >

> >

> > >Is there anyone

> > > out there who has been able to set healthy limits with their

BPD

> > > parent and be happy while being around that parent? If so, how

> > long

> > > did it take you to figure it all out?

> > >

> >

> > Well, my mother's behavior is much better, and the last time my

> > parents came to visit was actually almost pleasant. But I'm

> > never " happy " to see my mother. I never wish I could go visit

> her.

> > When I invite my parents to visit, it's not because I miss her.

If

> I

> > didn't have children, I would see little need to visit with her

at

> > all. But my limits are working well for me. I don't have to

stew

> > silently or cower in the corner or worry if I will upset her--I

can

> > call her out on her bad behaviors, and ask her to leave if she

> plays

> > the waif. I'm not sure I understand your desire for " happiness "

> with

> > your mother--are you holding onto a hope that you two will be

able

> to

> > laugh and have fun together, or are you just wanting to be un-

> > miserable in her presence?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > > Thanks

> > > b

> > >

> >

>