Sorry - need to vent

[Guest guest]

I really need to vent tonight. Sorry. But thank you so much for

providing a space for me to do that.

I still have contact with my family, and I think that is probably my

problem, but I am having such a hard time just breaking away. I am

currently a graduate student and live several states away from my

family, but chose to come home for the holidays. I didn't want to be

alone on Christmas and I wanted to spend New Year's with my friends

from home, plus my dad's birthday is Dec. 29th. My parents don't

really speak to anyone else in the family, so it was just my parents,

my sister, and I. In the short time that I have been here, I have been

reminded of how inferior, ungrateful, moody, snippy, etc I am, while

having to rearrange schedules because my sister's " boyfriend " chose to

drive into town a day early. Maybe I'm just jealous, but my parents do

kind of have a track record of favoring her - they've co-signed loans

for her, bought her a car, took her on multiple college tours, none of

which they've done for me, all in addition to the smaller " let her

have her way " favors that continued throughout our childhood. I've

realized during this stay that I will never be as important to my

family as I might like to be, especially since I grew up taking care

of my mother and my sister (who is only 3 years younger).

Anyway, we celebrated my father's birthday tonight with my sister

making dinner and a cake. My sister was out all day, and I was

supposed to be out with friend, but she got delayed so we ended up

meeting up at 4pm. We agreed that dinner would be at 6 instead of at 5

as had originally been planned, because sister's bf was running late.

At 5:54pm, I get a text message from my sister asking whether I am

coming to dinner. I was literally 2 minutes away at a coffeehouse,

which she knew; I texted back that yes I was coming and I thought

dinner was at 6. I immediately get another text saying that dinner is

done. By the time I get home, dinner is served and the three of them

are already eating. Best part, my sister made a pasta dish with plenty

of oil, which I haven't been able to eat since I was in middle school

(I have digestive problems). My family knows this, but they don't

believe anything I say about any type of medical issue, nor have they

ever (I walked around with a broken hip for 8 months because my mother

thought I wanted attention). So I kind of feel bad about not eating

much of her dinner, but frankly I really didn't want diarrhea all

night. Sister gets mad, says she's never making dinner for us again,

storms out of the dining room, etc. Lovely family dinner. Sister's bf

comes to pick her up (I can't stand him, another point of contention,

but he's a drug dealer and carries guns everywhere he goes, and I'm

pretty sure he's only using her for sex), but of course my parents

love him - at least one daughter has a bf and might get married. Sigh.

That's perfectly fine, but me asking my mother not to do some gesture

in my face that she knows annoys me is cause for her to snap at me and

ask why I'm being so miserable about everything.

I just love family bonding. So now I'm kind of hungry, really annoyed,

and lonely and cold up in my old bedroom. Love it.

Sorry this is so long - I didn't intend it to be. I'm not even really

that mad about tonight - it's not like it's unusual or anything,

that's for sure. I guess I'm just upset about what it represents. I

feel like I don't really have a family, and nothing has really changed

even though I feel like I've changed a lot since I've been gone. I

kind of want to avoid them; I certainly don't want to feel like this

every time I come home, but I feel so guilty. A part of me really

wants to just hate my mother/nada, but if she truly is bpd, then

shouldn't I feel bad for her? And I swear my sister is as dramatic and

narcissistic as my mother. I just can't stand it. And of course I have

to question whether I'm the one that's crazy, sitting alone avoiding

nada downstairs.

Thanks for reading this if you got this far! And thanks again for

providing a space to vent - it really does help a lot!