Guest guest Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 I am so glad you are in such a good place. You give the rest of us so much hope with how well you have moved forward. This was my first NC Christmas and in some ways I felt so much better than I ever have on Christmas, but the pain of the loss (of the fact that I will never have a mother or family--they took nada's side) is not exactly pleasant. LOL! Thank you for posting the stages of grief. Someone else here mentioned that it is similar to grief and while I do see the resemblence, I am not quite sure it is the same. There is an evil person lurking on this earth, telling everyone it meets how rotten/bad I am, constantly triangulating any way it can to cause me pain. So while I'd love to grieve, I cannot because that thing is still on their earth hurting me. I am not sure I get the whole grief perspective unfortunately. Maybe someday I will. I sure hope so. Right now I am not sure I get anything. Congrats on a happy, nada-free Christmas! > > This was my first Christmas NC from Nada. I have been NC since Mother's Day. As I look back at all of the years of stress, confusion, guilt, shame, and anger that I have felt during all of the holidays, birthdays and other life events, I am so relieved to know that I did it! I have survived without her. I have no guilt, no anger, and I feel nothing for her. I thought maybe that I would miss her, but I don't. I feel like my soul has been cleansed. I am truly happy, peaceful, and thankful for what I have and where I am emotionally now. > > My true friends and family still do not quite fully understand why I did what I did. But they can all see how happy I am and they are supportive of my decision. I am also so thankful for my sister and brother, (who are still LC with Nada), who have helped by maintaining this boundary I have with her. > > It took me 40 years to make this decision, which included many years of therapy, self-help books, writing in journals/ workbooks, antidepressants, and mourning the loss of the mother I never really had by completing all the stages the Kübler- Ross grief cycle (see below). > 1. Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news. > 2. Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable. > 3. Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion. > 4. Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out. > 5. Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable. > 6. Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions. > 7. Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward. > I still journal, read self help-books, and go to therapy sessions when I need it. I push forward each day on my life journey, knowing that it is on my own terms. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 Bless for your courage and insight. I think your emotional state sounds clear- at peace and healthy... A cleansed soul must be wonderful- you are whole the way we were meant to be! I think life on your own terms is an amazing accomplishment. Many blessings. Malinda hn WTOAdultChildren1 , Debbie Matarazzo wrote: > > This was my first Christmas NC from Nada. I have been NC since Mother's Day. As I look back at all of the years of stress, confusion, guilt, shame, and anger that I have felt during all of the holidays, birthdays and other life events, I am so relieved to know that I did it! I have survived without her. I have no guilt, no anger, and I feel nothing for her. I thought maybe that I would miss her, but I don't. I feel like my soul has been cleansed. I am truly happy, peaceful, and thankful for what I have and where I am emotionally now. > > My true friends and family still do not quite fully understand why I did what I did. But they can all see how happy I am and they are supportive of my decision. I am also so thankful for my sister and brother, (who are still LC with Nada), who have helped by maintaining this boundary I have with her. > > It took me 40 years to make this decision, which included many years of therapy, self-help books, writing in journals/ workbooks, antidepressants, and mourning the loss of the mother I never really had by completing all the stages the Kübler- Ross grief cycle (see below). > 1. Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news. > 2. Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable. > 3. Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion. > 4. Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out. > 5. Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable. > 6. Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions. > 7. Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward. > I still journal, read self help-books, and go to therapy sessions when I need it. I push forward each day on my life journey, knowing that it is on my own terms. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 I truly feel some see it as grieve, others relieve, others evil, and some a little bit of all of them. It doesn't matter- you are free to figure out what is happening inside of you in regards to your life outside of nada's reign. I am sorry nada's family made this into a battle- and took sides. That just was wrong and unfair. Keep finding your peace and joy- no matter what you and your family deserve that! Malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , " realmom2two " wrote: > > I am so glad you are in such a good place. You give the rest of us so > much hope with how well you have moved forward. This was my first NC > Christmas and in some ways I felt so much better than I ever have on > Christmas, but the pain of the loss (of the fact that I will never > have a mother or family--they took nada's side) is not exactly > pleasant. LOL! > > Thank you for posting the stages of grief. Someone else here > mentioned that it is similar to grief and while I do see the > resemblence, I am not quite sure it is the same. There is an evil > person lurking on this earth, telling everyone it meets how > rotten/bad I am, constantly triangulating any way it can to cause me > pain. So while I'd love to grieve, I cannot because that thing is > still on their earth hurting me. I am not sure I get the whole grief > perspective unfortunately. Maybe someday I will. I sure hope so. > Right now I am not sure I get anything. > > Congrats on a happy, nada-free Christmas! > > > > > > > This was my first Christmas NC from Nada. I have been NC since > Mother's Day. As I look back at all of the years of stress, > confusion, guilt, shame, and anger that I have felt during all of the > holidays, birthdays and other life events, I am so relieved to know > that I did it! I have survived without her. I have no guilt, no > anger, and I feel nothing for her. I thought maybe that I would > miss her, but I don't. I feel like my soul has been cleansed. I am > truly happy, peaceful, and thankful for what I have and where I am > emotionally now. > > > > My true friends and family still do not quite fully understand why > I did what I did. But they can all see how happy I am and they are > supportive of my decision. I am also so thankful for my sister and > brother, (who are still LC with Nada), who have helped by > maintaining this boundary I have with her. > > > > It took me 40 years to make this decision, which included many > years of therapy, self-help books, writing in journals/ > workbooks, antidepressants, and mourning the loss of the mother I > never really had by completing all the stages the Kübler- > Ross grief cycle (see below). > > 1. Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news. > > 2. Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable. > > 3. Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion. > > 4. Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out. > > 5. Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable. > > 6. Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions. > > 7. Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward. > > I still journal, read self help-books, and go to therapy sessions > when I need it. I push forward each day on my life journey, knowing > that it is on my own terms. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 Sounds like your stuck in the " Anger " stage. I cycled through shock, denial, and anger stages over and over my whole life! Then I found a great therapist to work with. She helped to me work on my boundary issues (or lack of them with Nada) and my bottled up anger. For several sessions she kept talking about my " anger with a lid on it " . I just was not getting it, " Anger with a lid on it???? " What help me to get past the anger was to journal. As my therapist had suggested: sit down in a quiet place and " let er rip " . Just write whatever comes to your mind, don't edit, don't erase, just write! These are your feelings. You don't have to let anyone read them. For me, I needed someone to hear my anger and pain. I read the most painful part of my journal to my therapist. It was a " let er rip " letter to my mother. I could barely read the words as the tears were running down my face. I can remember my therapist telling me so many times to " BREATHE " , as I was trying to hold back (stuff) my feelings. As a final way of letting go of my pain, I made a copy of that letter, and asked my therapist to take it and place it in my record. That was the most life changing moment for me. I was symbolic! My therapist was now responsible for holding onto that pain for me! ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1@... Sent: Tuesday, December 30, 2008 4:25:21 PM Subject: Re: My First Christmas NC I am so glad you are in such a good place. You give the rest of us so much hope with how well you have moved forward. This was my first NC Christmas and in some ways I felt so much better than I ever have on Christmas, but the pain of the loss (of the fact that I will never have a mother or family--they took nada's side) is not exactly pleasant. LOL! Thank you for posting the stages of grief. Someone else here mentioned that it is similar to grief and while I do see the resemblence, I am not quite sure it is the same. There is an evil person lurking on this earth, telling everyone it meets how rotten/bad I am, constantly triangulating any way it can to cause me pain.. So while I'd love to grieve, I cannot because that thing is still on their earth hurting me. I am not sure I get the whole grief perspective unfortunately. Maybe someday I will. I sure hope so. Right now I am not sure I get anything. Congrats on a happy, nada-free Christmas! > > This was my first Christmas NC from Nada. I have been NC since Mother's Day. As I look back at all of the years of stress, confusion, guilt, shame, and anger that I have felt during all of the holidays, birthdays and other life events, I am so relieved to know that I did it! I have survived without her. I have no guilt, no anger, and I feel nothing for her. I thought maybe that I would miss her, but I don't. I feel like my soul has been cleansed. I am truly happy, peaceful, and thankful for what I have and where I am emotionally now. > > My true friends and family still do not quite fully understand why I did what I did. But they can all see how happy I am and they are supportive of my decision. I am also so thankful for my sister and brother, (who are still LC with Nada), who have helped by maintaining this boundary I have with her. > > It took me 40 years to make this decision, which included many years of therapy, self-help books, writing in journals/ workbooks, antidepre ssants, and mourning the loss of the mother I never really had by completing all the stages the Kübler- Ross grief cycle (see below). > 1. Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news. > 2. Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable. > 3. Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion. > 4. Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out. > 5. Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable. > 6. Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions. > 7. Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward. > I still journal, read self help-books, and go to therapy sessions when I need it. I push forward each day on my life journey, knowing that it is on my own terms. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 Thanks Debbie, yes, I think you are right. I have so much anger I can't even begin to describe it. I am seeing a therapist but I don't think he " gets " BPD and what I deal with. I never get any positive confirmation that I was raised by someone who was abusive and mentally ill. I just keep repeating to him (and friends) that the hate I feel for nada cannot be described into words. I refer to her as the sicko and a dispicable human being--yes, so much anger. I hope to one day be in the place so many here seem to be in: Peace. So many here don't have that ovewhelming anger toward their nadas. I know I should feel sorry for her but her abuse for over 30 years has completely destroyed me. And I hate myself for *letting* it continue (in my own head and heart) even though I am NC. I don't need her to kick me around, I have learned to do it to myself pretty darn well. That's the root of my anger, I think. I'm glad you and so many others have such inspirational stories. I've heard many here mention journaling and I haven't done that. Every once in a while I would keep a " sicko journal " (not often enough) to state facts on what she did to me or my family (for when she takes me to court for grandparent rights which I am sure she'll get because the world just loves abusive grandparents from what I can tell) but the " sicko journal " never contains my feelings or how much hate and sheer disgust I have for her. Maybe if I kept writing it it would release from my heart. I don't know. Just not in a good place but hope someday to be. Thanks for your encouragment and for everyone on this board for posting their stories (which is very validating to me) and listening when I post. I hope 2009 is a PEACEFUL year for all of us here. We deserve that. > > > > This was my first Christmas NC from Nada. I have been NC since > Mother's Day. As I look back at all of the years of stress, > confusion, guilt, shame, and anger that I have felt during all of the > holidays, birthdays and other life events, I am so relieved to know > that I did it! I have survived without her. I have no guilt, no > anger, and I feel nothing for her. I thought maybe that I would > miss her, but I don't. I feel like my soul has been cleansed. I am > truly happy, peaceful, and thankful for what I have and where I am > emotionally now. > > > > My true friends and family still do not quite fully understand why > I did what I did. But they can all see how happy I am and they are > supportive of my decision. I am also so thankful for my sister and > brother, (who are still LC with Nada), who have helped by > maintaining this boundary I have with her. > > > > It took me 40 years to make this decision, which included many > years of therapy, self-help books, writing in journals/ > workbooks, antidepre ssants, and mourning the loss of the mother I > never really had by completing all the stages the Kübler- > Ross grief cycle (see below). > > 1. Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news. > > 2. Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable. > > 3. Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion. > > 4. Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out. > > 5. Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable. > > 6. Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions. > > 7. Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward. > > I still journal, read self help-books, and go to therapy sessions > when I need it. I push forward each day on my life journey, knowing > that it is on my own terms. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 I had similar issues with a few therapists that could not help me. Keep searching for the therapist that you can trust and be completely open with. This is your life! You can choose who you want to help you on this most important journey of self discovery. Don't waste anymore time or money on a therapist that is not helping you to move forward. I have been exactly were you are. I thought that the only way that I would feel better is if she were dead. But I was wrong. She is still alive, still in complete DENIAL, and I am happier and stronger than I have ever been. I no longer give her the power to control my life and I am no longer responsible for how she feels. There are no phone calls (changed phone number), e-mails (block them!), letters (don't read them), nor do I allow my siblings to tell me anything about her. NOTHING - No contact. Absolute Strict Boundary!!!!!! It is up to you to take control of your life. Only you can choose how you want to live your life, and who you want to share it with. You have to start with YOU. You can only change yourself. Those that truly love you will be there for you in the end. Those that are not, .... well ....why waste anymore time and energy on them! Take care of yourself. Love yourself.. Forgive yourself. Choose your battles and stay strong. Debbie ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, December 30, 2008 6:50:01 PM Subject: Re: My First Christmas NC Thanks Debbie, yes, I think you are right. I have so much anger I can't even begin to describe it. I am seeing a therapist but I don't think he " gets " BPD and what I deal with. I never get any positive confirmation that I was raised by someone who was abusive and mentally ill. I just keep repeating to him (and friends) that the hate I feel for nada cannot be described into words. I refer to her as the sicko and a dispicable human being--yes, so much anger. I hope to one day be in the place so many here seem to be in: Peace. So many here don't have that ovewhelming anger toward their nadas. I know I should feel sorry for her but her abuse for over 30 years has completely destroyed me. And I hate myself for *letting* it continue (in my own head and heart) even though I am NC. I don't need her to kick me around, I have learned to do it to myself pretty darn well. That's the root of my anger, I think. I'm glad you and so many others have such inspirational stories. I've heard many here mention journaling and I haven't done that. Every once in a while I would keep a " sicko journal " (not often enough) to state facts on what she did to me or my family (for when she takes me to court for grandparent rights which I am sure she'll get because the world just loves abusive grandparents from what I can tell) but the " sicko journal " never contains my feelings or how much hate and sheer disgust I have for her. Maybe if I kept writing it it would release from my heart.. I don't know. Just not in a good place but hope someday to be. Thanks for your encouragment and for everyone on this board for posting their stories (which is very validating to me) and listening when I post. I hope 2009 is a PEACEFUL year for all of us here. We deserve that. > > > > This was my first Christmas NC from Nada. I have been NC since > Mother's Day. As I look back at all of the years of stress, > confusion, guilt, shame, and anger that I have felt during all of the > holidays, birthdays and other life events, I am so relieved to know > that I did it! I have survived without her. I have no guilt, no > anger, and I feel nothing for her. I thought maybe that I would > miss her, but I don't. I feel like my soul has been cleansed. I am > truly happy, peaceful, and thankful for what I have and where I am > emotionally now. > > > > My true friends and family still do not quite fully understand why > I did what I did. But they can all see how happy I am and they are > supportive of my decision. I am also so thankful for my sister and > brother, (who are still LC with Nada), who have helped by > maintaining this boundary I have with her. > > > > It took me 40 years to make this decision, which included many > years of therapy, self-help books, writing in journals/ > workbooks, antidepre ssants, and mourning the loss of the mother I > never really had by completing all the stages the Kübler- > Ross grief cycle (see below). > > 1. Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news. > > 2. Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable. > > 3. Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion. > > 4. Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out. > > 5. Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable. > > 6. Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions. > > 7. Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward. > > I still journal, read self help-books, and go to therapy sessions > when I need it. I push forward each day on my life journey, knowing > that it is on my own terms. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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