Guest guest Posted December 1, 2008 Report Share Posted December 1, 2008 My nada has " selective hearing. " She would only " hear " Non-helpful response #1. Nada would either ignore or react badly to any of the other verbal responses, so I would have to resort to Helpful Responses #2 or #1, depending on the urgency of the situation. She made her first vaguely suicidal (or perhaps homicidal?) threat when we gave her the " Therapy or No Contact " choice, when she asked her sister to help her buy a gun. We have been unable to determine whether nada has indeed bought herself a hand-gun or not. That's why Sister and I are planning to never visit nada again alone in her home. From now on all visits will be in public, or at a friend's or relative's home. We want witnesses! -Annie > > This has never really been an issue with my own mother, but I often > used to expect it to happen to us someday. Several people have > mentioned this problem lately, and I wanted to share a bit > from " Understanding the Borderline Mother " by Ann Lawson > (p. 223-4) that I found really helpful: > > " Parents who tell their children that they feel like killing > themselves usually want reassurance that they are cared about and > would be missed. Paradoxically, the threat is often an attempt to > prevent abandonment. Such stantements evoke powerful feelings of > anziety in children, even adult children, and should never be > ignored. Listed below are helpful versus nonhelpful responses: > > Nonhelpful responses > 1.Rescuing behavior: " Oh, please don't say that, I will do anything > for you. " > 2.Ignoring the threat or gesture: " Right, you've said that a million > times. " > 3.Failing to take the feeling seriously: " I'm so sick of hearing you > say that. " > > Helpful responses > 1.Calling the police when any suicidal gesture is acted upon. > 2.Calling the patient's therapist when any suicidal thought is > mentioned. > 3.Responding honestly with concern and appropriate consequences such > as the following: " Telling me that you feel like killing yourself > upsets me. It scares me and makes me angry. I am going to tell your > therapist. There is nothing else I can do to help. I am your > child. I love you and care about you but I do not want to be > responsible for whether or not you kill yourself. It is unfair to > me. " " > > > kt > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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