Re: Calm Before the Storm

[Guest guest]

I can identify with a lot of what you said...my mom is also very good

at fooling people and feeding them limited info. I am glad you have

the opportunity to have a new therapist. You need health

professionals who do not also see your mother. I am sorry you have

had an experience where people are unwilling to believe you.

I think you did a great thing by telling your mother the truth about

needing some space. It was good that you did not answer the phone

when you did not want to. My only suggestion to improve the efficacy

of those boundaries is to communicate your limits and consequences

clearly. How often do you want to talk to her on the phone?

Say, " Mom, I want to be sure to make time for you, so let's plan on

talking once a (day,week,month...). If you call more often than

that, I may not answer the phone. " If she continues to call all the

time, you may consider telling her that when she calls so often, you

feel smothered and that you need her to stop.

You wrote:

>>>I finally realized that everytime my nada is upset with someone

else, somehow everything I have ever said or done since I was a child

gets thrown up to me. 

I understand, my mom remembers everything I've ever done wrong. When

I was in college, I actually wrote her a letter in which I apologized

for every single thing I could ever remember doing that made her mad,

all the way back to kicking her during a diaper change. I wanted so

badly for her to stop hating me, and I couldn't figure out why she

did--or why she kept SAYING that she didn't. Before I discovered BPD

I confronted her once about how she made me wish I had never been

born. She said, and I'm not kidding, " Why in the world do you insist

on keeping your house so messy!? " which led to, " And you wouldn't

comb your hair when you got that perm! " (I was 9). She needed to hate

me so she didn't have to hate herself.

Now, if that kind of thing were to happen again, I know how to focus

and not get blown off course. I would say, " Mom, that was a long

time ago, and it is not what we are talking about now. The way you

are feeling right now is not my fault, and I am not responsible for

how you choose to deal with those feelings. "

It IS sad to consider how much pain our mothers carry around with

them all the time. It is okay to feel sympathy for them. But we

must not confuse sympathy with responsibility. Our mothers are in

charge of their feelings and their actions. We cannot control that,

and we are not responsible for it. If my mother does not want to let

go of all her anger and hurt and despair, that is her choice. I

choose to let go of mine and learn compassion, independence, and hope

instead.

If you have reached the point where you feel anger at your father for

not protecting you, then I think you are actually making progress.

It is not easy to let go of the idealized image we create of the

other non-BP parent in order to survive. You are starting to assert

your own boundaries, and I commend you. Hang in there and keep

working--it will pay off.

I hope you are able to find a health care team that will work for

you.

[Guest guest]

I hope these posts aren'ty too long or rambling.  It's the first

time in my life I've ever had an outlet for any of this.  Is that

good or does it just drag it all up all over again? 

>

>

Of course it's okay to vent here. It's good to be able to get

everything out, especially for us KOs who were never allowed to have

feelings, especially negative ones.

Your aunt's funeral sounds like it was a miserable experience. I

hope you will keep creating and enforcing boundaries with your mother

so that that kind of thing doesn't happen to you in the future.

My mom also loves to pick fights in the car. (My first post on this

board was about that--search " picking fights " if you're interested.)

She is also the master of putting on the perfect public face.

Everyone always told me how awesome my parents are and thought we had

such a great family. It was such a different story when no one else

was watching.

It sounds like you could really benefit from more time away from your

mom. Maybe announce that you will be unavailable for a month--then

don't answer phone or email. It is remarkable how liberating it is

not to have to worry every time the phone rings.

Kt

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Friday, November 28, 2008 11:35:16 PM

> Subject: Re: " Calm Before the Storm "

>

>

> I can identify with a lot of what you said...my mom is also very

good

> at fooling people and feeding them limited info. I am glad you have

> the opportunity to have a new therapist. You need health

> professionals who do not also see your mother. I am sorry you have

> had an experience where people are unwilling to believe you.

>

> I think you did a great thing by telling your mother the truth

about

> needing some space. It was good that you did not answer the phone

> when you did not want to. My only suggestion to improve the

efficacy

> of those boundaries is to communicate your limits and consequences

> clearly. How often do you want to talk to her on the phone?

> Say, " Mom, I want to be sure to make time for you, so let's plan on

> talking once a (day,week,month. ..). If you call more often than

> that, I may not answer the phone. " If she continues to call all the

> time, you may consider telling her that when she calls so often,

you

> feel smothered and that you need her to stop.

>

> You wrote:

> >>>I finally realized that everytime my nada is upset with someone

> else, somehow everything I have ever said or done since I was a

child

> gets thrown up to me. 

>

> I understand, my mom remembers everything I've ever done wrong..

When

> I was in college, I actually wrote her a letter in which I

apologized

> for every single thing I could ever remember doing that made her

mad,

> all the way back to kicking her during a diaper change. I wanted so

> badly for her to stop hating me, and I couldn't figure out why she

> did--or why she kept SAYING that she didn't. Before I discovered

BPD

> I confronted her once about how she made me wish I had never been

> born. She said, and I'm not kidding, " Why in the world do you

insist

> on keeping your house so messy!? " which led to, " And you wouldn't

> comb your hair when you got that perm! " (I was 9). She needed to

hate

> me so she didn't have to hate herself.

>

> Now, if that kind of thing were to happen again, I know how to

focus

> and not get blown off course. I would say, " Mom, that was a long

> time ago, and it is not what we are talking about now. The way you

> are feeling right now is not my fault, and I am not responsible for

> how you choose to deal with those feelings. "

>

> It IS sad to consider how much pain our mothers carry around with

> them all the time. It is okay to feel sympathy for them. But we

> must not confuse sympathy with responsibility. Our mothers are in

> charge of their feelings and their actions.. We cannot control

that,

> and we are not responsible for it. If my mother does not want to

let

> go of all her anger and hurt and despair, that is her choice. I

> choose to let go of mine and learn compassion, independence, and

hope

> instead.

>

> If you have reached the point where you feel anger at your father

for

> not protecting you, then I think you are actually making progress.

> It is not easy to let go of the idealized image we create of the

> other non-BP parent in order to survive. You are starting to assert

> your own boundaries, and I commend you. Hang in there and keep

> working--it will pay off.

>

> I hope you are able to find a health care team that will work for

> you.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>