Re: take away nada's stick

[Guest guest]

Thanks Charlie, I like your wish and the idea behind it. It's very

wise, and I will remember it for the future. Katrina.

>

> Hi everyone, I had a new topic but first I wanted to say that my

heart goes out to all of you

> who have been posting these past few days. Annie, I'm so sorry to

hear that Christmas is

> a day of loss for you--how difficult! And Katrina--My God. I

cannot even imagine. And

> to all of you with rager-nadas, and that to anticipate--good

grief! What a tempest it all

> is!

>

> Which kindof leads me to the subject of this post. It has dawned

on me, as I contemplate

> this year's holiday season, how important it is to try and keep

nada's hands off of anything

> that is important to their children; anything they could use to

harm or manipulate them.

> I'm not sure if I've ever posted here a zen parable that I really

love (this is my version, so

> it's Westernized a little, sorry!)

>

> the teacher said to the student, what is the meaning of life!? if

you answer me, i will hit

> you with this stick. if you do not answer me, i will hit you with

this stick. what will you

> do?

>

> and the student said, 'i will take away your stick'.

>

> Isn't it great? As I was journaling earlier I realized how my nada

had never missed a

> chance to use something that was important to me to try to harm me,

get control over me

> or force her way somehow. Just a few examples: she knew I loved

the Christmas tree, so

> she would go out of her way to ruin it, not let me help with the

decorations, make sure it

> was all about her and her misery. Any time she knew something was

important to me, she

> would try to use it--say she knew I would show up for dinner for my

father's birthday--

> she would take the opportunity to issue all sorts of insults and

denials and abuses while I

> was 'trapped' at the restaraunt. If she knew possessions of mine

were important to me,

> they would disappear or get sold at garage sales. If she knew I

was sensitive about any

> given subject (especially aspects of my appearance), she would dig

into these when she

> knew I was most vulnerable, in order to 'get to me' when she needed

attention, or needed

> to prove to herself I was the 'bad' child.

>

> I suppose what I'm trying to say with this post is how very

important it is to remove control

> of anything important to you from nada. Because they will always,

always, try and use it to

> harm and control you. I have made an effort to do that, and I am

now happy and peaceful

> for the first time in my life. Things are far from perfect, mind

you, but I now spend my

> days pretty much steady, with a base level of happiness that is

natural to me, that helps

> me deal with the challenges of the days. The only reason I can do

this, though, is because

> I have taken away nada's stick. When I used to be full of sorrow,

debilitating sorrow, so

> often, it was because nada and other FOO members were inflicting

it. The minute I cut off

> contact with them, the sorrow disappeared. That is amazing.

>

> Here are a few examples of how a person might take that stick

away. It took a bit of

> doing, but I've become financially independent of nada and FOO

now. I also don't need to

> go through nada to communicate with family members--and the FOO who

insist on

> getting nada's blessing to communicate with me, well, they were

abusers and I don't miss

> them anyway. I have detached myself from wanting or needing any

left behind items at

> nadas house (some clothes and some childhood mementos--who wants to

remember

> childhood with nada anyway). I've set myself up so I don't need

her for anything--I have

> triple A if my car breaks down, etc. The only thing I'm still

having real trouble with is the

> fear that she will show up at my house and try to force a

confrontation. That's still a big

> source of anxiety for me...but at least, I'm not really letting her

*use* it.

>

> So for a holiday gift, I would wish all of you, a life without

sticks!

>

> Best wishes,

> Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Well said, Charlie!

Its eerie how similar your nada's behaviors are to my nada's, that

desire they have to take over, use, or destroy things that are/were

important to us, to show their control over us or just plain old hurt us.

Yes, it really makes a difference when we can get to a point where we

do not need nada for *anything*: we don't need her money, we do not

need her validation, we do not need her help in any way, shape or

form. It *is* very liberating.

Yes, no more " sticks " for nada to use, definitely!

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone, I had a new topic but first I wanted to say that my

heart goes out to all of you

> who have been posting these past few days. Annie, I'm so sorry to

hear that Christmas is

> a day of loss for you--how difficult! And Katrina--My God. I

cannot even imagine. And

> to all of you with rager-nadas, and that to anticipate--good grief!

What a tempest it all

> is!

>

> Which kindof leads me to the subject of this post. It has dawned on

me, as I contemplate

> this year's holiday season, how important it is to try and keep

nada's hands off of anything

> that is important to their children; anything they could use to harm

or manipulate them.

> I'm not sure if I've ever posted here a zen parable that I really

love (this is my version, so

> it's Westernized a little, sorry!)

>

> the teacher said to the student, what is the meaning of life!? if

you answer me, i will hit

> you with this stick. if you do not answer me, i will hit you with

this stick. what will you

> do?

>

> and the student said, 'i will take away your stick'.

>

> Isn't it great? As I was journaling earlier I realized how my nada

had never missed a

> chance to use something that was important to me to try to harm me,

get control over me

> or force her way somehow. Just a few examples: she knew I loved the

Christmas tree, so

> she would go out of her way to ruin it, not let me help with the

decorations, make sure it

> was all about her and her misery. Any time she knew something was

important to me, she

> would try to use it--say she knew I would show up for dinner for my

father's birthday--

> she would take the opportunity to issue all sorts of insults and

denials and abuses while I

> was 'trapped' at the restaraunt. If she knew possessions of mine

were important to me,

> they would disappear or get sold at garage sales. If she knew I was

sensitive about any

> given subject (especially aspects of my appearance), she would dig

into these when she

> knew I was most vulnerable, in order to 'get to me' when she needed

attention, or needed

> to prove to herself I was the 'bad' child.

>

> I suppose what I'm trying to say with this post is how very

important it is to remove control

> of anything important to you from nada. Because they will always,

always, try and use it to

> harm and control you. I have made an effort to do that, and I am

now happy and peaceful

> for the first time in my life. Things are far from perfect, mind

you, but I now spend my

> days pretty much steady, with a base level of happiness that is

natural to me, that helps

> me deal with the challenges of the days. The only reason I can do

this, though, is because

> I have taken away nada's stick. When I used to be full of sorrow,

debilitating sorrow, so

> often, it was because nada and other FOO members were inflicting it.

The minute I cut off

> contact with them, the sorrow disappeared. That is amazing.

>

> Here are a few examples of how a person might take that stick away.

It took a bit of

> doing, but I've become financially independent of nada and FOO now.

I also don't need to

> go through nada to communicate with family members--and the FOO who

insist on

> getting nada's blessing to communicate with me, well, they were

abusers and I don't miss

> them anyway. I have detached myself from wanting or needing any

left behind items at

> nadas house (some clothes and some childhood mementos--who wants to

remember

> childhood with nada anyway). I've set myself up so I don't need her

for anything--I have

> triple A if my car breaks down, etc. The only thing I'm still

having real trouble with is the

> fear that she will show up at my house and try to force a

confrontation. That's still a big

> source of anxiety for me...but at least, I'm not really letting her

*use* it.

>

> So for a holiday gift, I would wish all of you, a life without sticks!

>

> Best wishes,

> Charlie

>