take away nada's stick

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone, I had a new topic but first I wanted to say that my heart goes out

to all of you

who have been posting these past few days. Annie, I'm so sorry to hear that

Christmas is

a day of loss for you--how difficult! And Katrina--My God. I cannot even

imagine. And

to all of you with rager-nadas, and that to anticipate--good grief! What a

tempest it all

is!

Which kindof leads me to the subject of this post. It has dawned on me, as I

contemplate

this year's holiday season, how important it is to try and keep nada's hands off

of anything

that is important to their children; anything they could use to harm or

manipulate them.

I'm not sure if I've ever posted here a zen parable that I really love (this is

my version, so

it's Westernized a little, sorry!)

the teacher said to the student, what is the meaning of life!? if you answer

me, i will hit

you with this stick. if you do not answer me, i will hit you with this stick.

what will you

do?

and the student said, 'i will take away your stick'.

Isn't it great? As I was journaling earlier I realized how my nada had never

missed a

chance to use something that was important to me to try to harm me, get control

over me

or force her way somehow. Just a few examples: she knew I loved the Christmas

tree, so

she would go out of her way to ruin it, not let me help with the decorations,

make sure it

was all about her and her misery. Any time she knew something was important to

me, she

would try to use it--say she knew I would show up for dinner for my father's

birthday--

she would take the opportunity to issue all sorts of insults and denials and

abuses while I

was 'trapped' at the restaraunt. If she knew possessions of mine were important

to me,

they would disappear or get sold at garage sales. If she knew I was sensitive

about any

given subject (especially aspects of my appearance), she would dig into these

when she

knew I was most vulnerable, in order to 'get to me' when she needed attention,

or needed

to prove to herself I was the 'bad' child.

I suppose what I'm trying to say with this post is how very important it is to

remove control

of anything important to you from nada. Because they will always, always, try

and use it to

harm and control you. I have made an effort to do that, and I am now happy and

peaceful

for the first time in my life. Things are far from perfect, mind you, but I now

spend my

days pretty much steady, with a base level of happiness that is natural to me,

that helps

me deal with the challenges of the days. The only reason I can do this, though,

is because

I have taken away nada's stick. When I used to be full of sorrow, debilitating

sorrow, so

often, it was because nada and other FOO members were inflicting it. The minute

I cut off

contact with them, the sorrow disappeared. That is amazing.

Here are a few examples of how a person might take that stick away. It took a

bit of

doing, but I've become financially independent of nada and FOO now. I also

don't need to

go through nada to communicate with family members--and the FOO who insist on

getting nada's blessing to communicate with me, well, they were abusers and I

don't miss

them anyway. I have detached myself from wanting or needing any left behind

items at

nadas house (some clothes and some childhood mementos--who wants to remember

childhood with nada anyway). I've set myself up so I don't need her for

anything--I have

triple A if my car breaks down, etc. The only thing I'm still having real

trouble with is the

fear that she will show up at my house and try to force a confrontation. That's

still a big

source of anxiety for me...but at least, I'm not really letting her *use* it.

So for a holiday gift, I would wish all of you, a life without sticks!

Best wishes,

Charlie