Re: My First Christmas NC (long, sorry)

[Guest guest]

Hi Debbie, I'm so glad you posted this. It was my first NC Christmas, as well!

It really

helps me to see someone else going through it.

I never really went through stages of grief with nada. I was split black at an

early age; I

knew perhaps even before I could speak that there was no 'mother' in the house.

I wonder

if you were split white, mostly? I wonder if split blacks need to grieve very

much. I also

felt complete peace. I did not miss nada--or even my extended family--at all.

What I

didn't like was being alone. I am not meant to be. But nada and her family,

they are just

not my tribe. I know that I am meant to find another one. I feel very peaceful

about that.

Sometimes, people are not born into their own tribe, and they have to find it

elsewhere.

My animal instinct is to get AWAY from this danger, these attacks, these

soul-crunchers.

And I find when I respect my instincts and engage in sincere self-preservation,

there is

little cause for sorrow.

It did take me several years to decide on NC, though. Perhaps there were still

lessons I

needed to learn by being in contact with nada. Perhaps I needed to make sure

that I felt I

had given her every chance. And I really did try every avenue. I really did

give her every

possible chance; I cut off contact little by little. Before I found out about

BPD, I first

attempted to defend myself when she would attack me, or others. That turned out

impossible because literally every word she said was an attack and/or morally

objectionable. Also she never owned her actions and instead projected them,

panicked

and masterfully. So that didn't work.

Then, when I found out about BPD, I began attempting various ways to deal with

it. I set

boundaries--no sitting at the table with her, no car rides with her, no being

alone in the

house w/ her....I staunchly *refused* to engage, almost never responding to her

attempts

to 'get' to me.

Bu she SO loves to 'get to' her immediate family--that's how she puts it--it

means

getting under their skin so much with a disrespectful insult that they finally

lose it and

show her their fangs involuntarily. It really is her main goal in life. And

even though I

refused to engage 99% of the time, she never stopped trying. Not engaging meant

the

abuse was not prolonged, but she still would get the first digs in--and, while

in contact, I

never found a way to make the digs stop hurting, stop having an effect on me.

I just lost my tolerance for it. I realized it was not necessary. I realized I

had missions in

life, several of them, important ones, and she was an energy guzzling

soul-zapper that

was keeping my true self from emerging. I cut contact less and less. I stopped

calling

her. Then, when she remained attacking, I stopped answering her calls. I

stopped

emailing her back when she continued to attempt to use email to frighten and

manipulate

me. Her messages got crazier and more outrageous, attacking. So I stopped

reading

them. Then, when nothing changed, I blocked them.

It was little by little. It felt natural. It felt necessary. That others

might not understand or

approve cannot concern me. I've got work to do. I've got my own tribe to find,

my own

truth to reign supreme.

One more thing-- my last straw incident. A lot of you speak of these as a

precursor to

NC. It happened for me when someone in my family died and, instead of

attempting to

comfort me in any way, nada saw it as the perfect opportunity to 'get' to me.

As I said, I

had been refusing to engage with her for years, simply NOT responding to any of

her b/s,

and feeling rather graceful about it. I might drink or cry or sleep when I left

her, but at

least i no longer became the 'grouch' or the 'hateful' child and snapped at

her, ever. It

made me feel dignified and graceful, though not completely because like I said I

still felt

the pain of her attacks--just didn't respond. Anyway, within an hour of me

learning of a

death in my immediate family, she saw a means for attack. Finally! A

vulnerable moment!

She could make me lose control! She picked at a banal issue (about my

appearance), I lost

control and snapped at her, and she was HAPPY as a pig in a poke. She had

FINALLY got

my undivided attention, and proved I was the 'bad' guy who had been lurking

inside all

these years I was playing sweet. How comforted she must have been that instant

that I

snapped at her, she shriveled like a baby and ran out of the room!

And, I am done. I am done with her, and I feel fine about it. My only

hesitation is that it

may cause her to come after me, show up at my place unexpected. I don't miss

her at all.

I have no desire at all to see her--none, and I feel no grief. My only fear is

that I am a bad

child who will somehow get 'in trouble' for doing this.

So, that is my first Christmas w/out contact.

Charlie

>

> This was my first Christmas NC from Nada.  I have been NC since Mother's Day. 

As I

look back at all of the years of stress, confusion, guilt, shame, and anger that

I have felt

during all of the holidays, birthdays and other life events, I am so relieved to

know that I

did it!  I have survived without her.  I have no guilt, no anger, and I feel

nothing for her.   I

thought maybe that I would miss her, but I don't.  I feel like my soul has been

cleansed.  I

am truly happy, peaceful, and thankful for what I have and where I am

emotionally now.

>

> My true friends and family still do not quite fully understand why I did what

I did.  But

they can all see how happy I am and they are supportive of my decision.  I am

also so

thankful for my sister and brother, (who are still LC with Nada), who have

helped by

maintaining this boundary I have with her.

>

> It took me 40 years to make this decision, which included many years of

therapy, self-

help books, writing in journals/ workbooks, antidepressants, and mourning the

loss of

the mother I never really had by completing all the stages the

Kübler-Ross grief

cycle (see below). 

> 1. Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.

> 2. Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.

> 3. Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.

> 4. Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.

> 5. Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.

> 6. Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.

> 7. Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

> I still journal, read self help-books, and go to therapy sessions when I need

it.  I push

forward each day on my life journey, knowing that it is on my own terms.

>

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