Calm Before the Storm

[Guest guest]

I have this horrible knot in my stomach, a very familiar feeling and I am trying

so hard not to project.  When I have felt this before 99% of the time I was

right in my feeling.  Since I had a " bug " yesterday and got out of seeing my

mother for Thanksgiving she spent the day alone.  We had been invited to my

cousin's but we didn't go.  She is upset with her nephew about things he had

said to her on the phone 2 weeks ago and feels everything he said was because

his parents (both deceased) had brainwashed him and are evil.  I also haven't

seen her in almost 3 weeks.  I am the only person who takes her food shopping or

to her appointments and I have guilt about not seeing her.   I was supposed to

see her the Monday before this last one to take her to the dentist and errands. 

After my cousin's call to her she said such horrible things to me and about me

that I decided for the first time in my life, there was no way I was taking her

to the

dentist or spending the whole day with her. the next day. Instead of my usual

lame excuse of feigning some illness or headache I was just honest and said I

really needed to detach from her for a bit.  That of course, didn't go over so

big and her phone calls escalated so badly she was making me sick again.  I did

not phone her back (like I usually would) and she called the next day in one of

her crisis modes (first on the house phone, then my cell).  I had been outside

and missed the calls.  She was in a panick asking if I hasd lost power as all

her lights went out.  I calmly told her that it might have been caused by a car

accident and did she phone the woman she knows downstairs in her apt. building. 

She made some lame excuse to get off.  Few minutes later she calls back and her

lights are on. She then asks were you going to call me today?  I explained that

she said alot of things that didn't sit too well with me and no, I wasn't.  She

acted as if nothing was wrong (which is basically the way my FOO always acts

after any crisis) and said she was too tired to talk.  I got sick last Sunday so

I didn't see her this week as I had been out of work too. So yesterday I call to

say Happy Thanksgiving and all she was concerned with was if I heard from

anybody? (meaning any of my cousins).  I'm damned if I say I did and I'm damned

if I say I didn't.  I said my cousin who invited me phoned back in the morning

after she had gotten my 2 messages about not coming.  So this morning she calls

to ask me the same question again.  I said i didn't hear from anyone.  So she

starts in with I hope you learned a lesson from this and I cut her off as I was

getting ready for work.  I phoned this evening and she asks the same question

and I finally said " Mom, why are you just sitting there making yourself

miserable about noone phoning you?  "   She said " I have had it and I can't talk

anymore " .  This

scares me as somehow after reading all about BPD these past months I finally

realized that everytime my nada is upset with someone else, somehow everything I

have ever said or done since I was a child gets thrown up to me.  I have been

down this road so many times and it has worn me out.  I just don't know how to

deal with any of it anymore.  The sick part is there is a part of me that feels

so badly for her-i visualize her just sitting there, stewing, thinking of every

rotten thing that everyone has done to her and it saddens me.  My role has

always been to get her out of the house, entertain her, take her abuse, and hope

her mood changes.  Reading all I have these past 6 months, and especially on

this list, has me so emotionally sick.  My life has been spent trying to

understand what I did to make her hate me so or cause her rages and now I'm

realizing it hasn't been me.  I have alot of anger at her, relatives and even my

father.  Anytime I

ever visited he would say " get her out of the house " .  He couldn't take another

minute with her and I felt so bad for him and his life that I got her out. One

time after she was really on a roll, I yelled at him and said " I don't want to

take her out for lunch, how could I even eat now and you're her husband, you

deal with her " .  I felt tremendous guilt after that as well since my father was

legally blind, due to a suicide attempt in 1969 where he shot himself in the

head in front of the precinct he worked at as a detective and was literally a

caged animal for the next 20 years of his life.  Just thinking about everything

makes me so sick.  When she's the " nice " nada, I fall right into thinking I have

a mother and we can hang out, have a nice time.  Lately, that seems to be

getting harder & harder.  I had a therapist, but, she left about a month or so

ago.  I will get another one assigned but right now I'm angry at the whole

mental health system

as well. Since my mother moved closer to me about 7 years ago she is also part

of that system.  When she needs something her therapist will say " why can't your

daughter do it? "   I, of course, go into a rage silently wanting to call her

therapist and the nurse practioner who prescribes medication that they are

jeopardizing my mental health everytime they make those statements.  I have done

what I can and when i can't it's because i know it will kill me.  I am slowly

being killed by all of it and now am in the " i don't care anymore "   mode.  It's

probably because I still have this bug and i'm worn down and out, and i just

want to avoid EVERYTHING. And yes, I do know for a fact that the therapists have

said what she said they said.  This is not the first time this has happened and

I just get so tired of trying to explain anything to anyone.  Noone ever

listened or cared.  When I explained to my therapist all I learned about bpd and

what I

suspected with my Mom she blew it off.  When I explained to the nurse

practioner (who also sees my mother) she said your mother doesn't have bpd.  The

next time I saw her I told her a few things that I think shocked her and she

just didn't know what to say.  Both the therapist and the nurse practioner left

the mental health facility in the last month so I will be assigned to 2 new

ones.  The funny thing is when i first got my therapist she was reading over the

nurse practioner's notes and said I was too dependent on my mother.  I think she

had the cream in the coffee or whatever that expression is (i remember it from

the billie holiday story- " lady sings the blues " .  I can't do anything without my

mother butting in, telling me what I like, dislike, should do, not do-when she

speaks about anything concerning herself she always says " we " -like " we " don't

like that restaurant or " we " aren't like that-she speaks for me-i'm sorry I am

blabbering and this

post is all jumbled like my thoughts.  Just want to say thankis for this

website as I have learned so much.