Phone call from nada

[Guest guest]

Hi, nada phoned me today after 6 weeks of NC after she and dad left

my son's birthday party abruptly because she was feeling neglected in

classic queen fashion. She had been typically nada obnoxious when we

picked her and dad up from their place and during the trip to the

party. My daughter's partner took them home, and when he got back to

the party, he said that nada wanted me to call her. So I called her

straight away, and she asked if I was mad because they left early. I

assured her that I wasn't mad with her. (I was actually relieved that

she had gone.)

So, two weeks passed, which is about the time it takes for me to feel

the FOG, but I decided not to give in to it and did not call them. My

dishrag dad called me after 3 weeks, usually nada puts him up to it

and after a few pleasantries, puts nada on the phone. But this time

he said nada was at a neighbor's house so I didn't think she knew he

called me. He then phoned me at the 5 week mark, once again nada did

not seem to be around. Usually, nada only phones me when she's

waifish and wants something

So today, she demands to know why I am neglecting her and dad, that

they have done everything for me, all my life and that they are so

hurt and bewildered. She demanded to know why they haven't heard from

me and what they have done to deserve it. I told her she is welcome

to phone me. She said your father has called you twice (so she

knows).I told her it's complicated and hard to explain, but she

demanded a face to face meeting to talk about it. She said she has to

go to a therapist to make sense of me. It all got very messy and I

told her that she should ask her therapist about BPD. Well, nada

glossed over that. Also told her that there were always strings

attached to anything they ever did for me, they expect me to be

forever grateful. That was denied. She told me she welcomed my (ex –

by 10 years) husband into the family, that he was a disappointment

and ruined me (he is also BPD). And that I kept him away from his

(probably BPD) father!!! (I'm the scapegoat again) She said she was

never going to welcome anyone else to our family. That's true, she's

awful to my daughter in law and my niece's husband. She said I gave

her my daughter (my firstborn) but not my son. What the ?? I did not

give her my daughter. I mentioned that there was so much hitting and

yelling when I was growing up and that I always felt in the way,

never felt part of the family. She raged over the phone that she

never, ever hit me (perhaps using a wooden spoon does not count in

her mind) but that she got me around the neck one time (that's when

she tried to strangle me and my dad pulled her off me). Her version

is that my (golden) brother told her not to do that. She told me that

I am wrong, that my memories are wrong and that I am wrong not to do

what she and dad want from me. She said they deserve respect because

they are my parents, that my brother is broken hearted because he

does not hear from me. (That's another story.) That I owe them for

everything they have done (so much of it was forced on me and was

controlling) and because she lent me money in the past (which I

always paid back). She stated a whole lot of things that she claims I

told her over the years. Not true. She said she has never shown me

anything but love. And there was a whole lot of other crap she threw

up at me. She said that she and dad always check the answer machine

when they come in the house or ask each other if I have called.

I told her it was easier for me to have limited contact, so she raged

about that. I told her I am working through some issues, so she raged

about that. I told her I am not prepared to meet with her, so she

raged about that. She even said that Hitler would not be treated this

way. She told me I should respect my family and do my duty. This from

the same woman who emigrated permanently from her country at the age

of 25 to get away from her own nada.

She asked if I am talking to anyone about my issues, and I told her

that yes, I am seeing a therapist. She told me to ask my therapist

what is wrong with me. Nada does not know that I have been dealing

with depression for many years, and of course would not understand

that that I am a struggling KO.

She looks at me, does not see herself and she can't stand it. I'm not

good enough for her, never was and never will be. But because she

chose to live near me and not my golden brother, she is demanding

that I do what she wants and needs.

She said " we are getting old, and if you keep this up I hope you

don't come to my funeral when I die " .

Then I thought, what would some of my fellow KO's do, so after 22

minutes (have a timer on my phone) I asked her if she was ready to

end the call. She said she was not, I said I was - and hung up. I

felt sick, I was shaking and my heart was racing for most of the

call.

I so understand why some of you have said that NC is hard at first.

Does 6 weeks count? This was not a conscious choice though, I just

sort of fell in to it and let it go on. I told myself to enjoy it

while it lasted. She could have called me at any time and just been

pleasant, but she created havoc. She tried to bully and guilt me into

being what she wants. According to her, she's perfect, and I am

wrong, ungrateful and need fixing. I had some self doubts afterwards,

but now realise that she was displaying typical narcissistic BPD with

the crap she told me and gaslighting on a major scale.

So, what happens next? Where to from here? I am not used to putting

myself first. Nada started burning the bridge today, and I threw some

fuel on it too.

She'll probably work up yet another unstable angina attack, and I'll

get a call from the hospital, and be expected to come running and to

taxi dad around again since he doesn't drive any more. What a mess.

So glad there is understanding here on this board.

Jonna