Needing Advice

[Guest guest]

I grew up with a BPD mom. She fits the description of the witch mom

in _Understanding the Borderline Mother_. I was the bad child for

about 10 years--most of which my mother just rarely interacted with

me except to rage at me (I'd get the bathmat wet and she'd scream at

me about how ungrateful I was, about how I just made her life so

hard; or I'd fight with my brother and she'd tell me to move out

because I just couldn't be a good member of the family). When she

finally went on zoloft, the extreme rages stopped, but she still

seemed to blame me for her unhappiness, saying I'd rejected her when

I was an infant and had always rejected her. I remember her seeming

pleased when I cried after our fights--she'd get this little smile on

her face when I dissolved into sobs. In the last few years she's been

really pleasant. She's been pursuing a relationship with me after

years of refusing to even call me because it was her " perogative to

have you call me because you've always rejected me. " I find it deeply

deeply threatening when she's nice. And now that I have a child, it's

even worse. She's good with my daughter--creative and sweet and

patient--but I won't let her babysit. I just have too many awful

memories. But she's so rarely obviously crazy or cruel now, so I feel

crazy and cruel when I set limits and choose not to be with her or

let her spend time with my daughter. I have to set limits because if

I don't, I spiral into self-loathing and even have flashbacks. But it

was so much easier--if so much more unpleasant--when she was

obviously being awful. It was easier to see that my reactions to her

made sense. But now, on the surface, it looks like I have a sweet

mother who just wants to be a good grandma...and I feel crazy for

leaving interactions with her (even very pleasant ones) feeling

depressed and threatened. I don't see any real way to have a good

relationship with her. She's been unable to acknowledge ever hurting

me and did lash out when I finally told her I thought she'd been

really emotionally abusive when I was a kid. Though she's more

pleasant on the surface, I know that she hasn't changed on any deep

level and still sees me as the one who ruined our relationship. I

don't want her in my life, but it's nearly impossible to have a

relationship with my dad and brothers if I refuse to see her, so I've

decided to deal with her and just set limits I need to set. But I

haven't figured out how to deal with the guilt and sense that I'm

crazy and over-reacting. I almost wish she'd blow up and say

something crazy and angry and horrible just so I could remind

myself, " Yeah, that's why you're setting these limits. You have a

right to set these limits. " She did some of that when I took some

space from her, but most of the time she just buries it and it comes

out in really subtle ways other probably wouldn't even notice. Any of

you experienced something similar? Any advice on how to deal with the

emotional fall-out of all of this?