new member

[Guest guest]

i am a new member to this site. i have been searching for answers for my life of

sheer hell and mental confusion. i am in my middle 30s and totally lost and very

depressed. i dont know where to turn. now that my daughter is older (teenager)

and my sister is now experiencing what i did, my disfunctional life seems to be

flashing in big bright lights in front of my eyes. i have lived with constant

chaos going from one " event " to another " event " for the last 20 years. I lived

till i was 16 thinking my dad and his family were horrible people. then till the

last 2 years I was the horrible person. now its my sister. my aunt. everyone in

my life has been isolated and i am left with nothing. i have been devasted by

this. i am a professional who lives a life that is so fake on the outside.

people have no idea the pain i feel behind the smile is so intense that here

lately i cant even think clearly. I have found myself in the grocery store

lately wandering about

because i couldnt even think clearly about what i needed even though i had a

list. I am in a marriage that is emotionless because when we met and he didnt

love me like i wanted it was just another rejection that i couldnt handle so i

tried to make him love me more by trying to hard. now, so tired of trying i have

such intense anger that at times its paralyzing. its hard to make friends

because my life is so crazy that 1. i dont want anyone to know, and 2. how could

i ever go back and talk about my life there is so much to tell? 3. i am so tired

of faking it that i would rather be alone. i really didnt know there was anyone

out there who went through the same thing. I desperatlely need help and support.

i hope to find it here.